Summer 2008 Soundtrack

Moving to Vegas, it was a beautiful scene... the Sun Is Shining... it's a Soul Heaven and the Sound of Freedom was calling me.

I realized When I Grow Up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have boobies.

I played in the WSOP, but What Hurts the Most is being so close... and not winning. I needed a Miracle, but this time there was no Angel.

Then life seemed to Speed Up. I was Back To Zero.

I became Faded. Now that the Love Is Gone, I'm Uninvited.

I Can't Help Myself... I Kissed A Girl. I kissed a man. We start to Get It On... but he doesn't know my secret. He doesn't let me stand underneath his Umbrella.

So I left Vegas, Bleeding Love, but I had to Keep On Trying, to Keep On Rising. I know I have but I don't know for why. Let Me Think About It.

I watched DeLovely and it made my heart weep for that partner that together, we'd make the perfect team. Deep I Night, I cried. I longed for someone to be with. Someone to go Chasing Cars with. You know, Being In Love? Would I ever find a Love Like This?

And so I composed an Anthem for the girl that got away. You're on my heart, just like a Tattoo, but one day we'll be Together, one heart, one mind.

And so the Journey Continues... can't wait to See You Again. After all, Don't Cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

So don't worry about me, I'll be Just Fine. Just Please Don't Stop The Music.

Haiku For Two Teeth

Chip two nails today,
Smile, chip my two front teeth
A Kodak moment!

Hope my nail file
Smooths sharp edges in my mouth
Like it does fingers.

But do not despair!
Even the Mona Lisa
Is falling apart!

You Loved Me Cause You're Crazy

Met a man today, he thought I was pretty.
He said come live with me, stay with me,
You need a big strong man to take care of you.

He said everything I needed to hear.
And oh he was handsome, and strong enough
to sweep me off my feet.

But don't ask me why,
When he found out
I used to be a guy,
He took it all away.

So many empty promises, so much untrue.
Tell me, what 's a woman to do?
So I packed up my clothes
and left all those troubles behind.

End Of The World (As We Know It)

Things are not looking good. I could not afford to rent a car for another month because my prescriptions needed renewing. Continue developing into a woman or have wheels. It was an easy choice. True, that means I'm a bit tethered to this little oasis in Vegas- but it's such a nice oasis! Wonderful pool, great home, great roomie.

On the up side, I had just secured income to stay there + food for the next 4 months... plenty of time to get another client (and get paid by another client) so that I could get a car. A temporary speed bump, I gathered, but nothing too severe.

Then came the winds. Target is having problems filling my prescription... seems like my doctor's fax is on the fritz and I'll have to wait till after the 4th holiday to take care of that. Means a long and dangerous bike ride to Target, but c'est la vie! I remained upbeat.

Then, annoyed by my sharing of an exciting first-ever life experience during Frasier re-runs, my housemate goes Gwen Stefanie. There was no holla back, girl. He wants his space, so I spend the night outside, talking to friends, literally hanging out.

I remain upbeat.

Early morning comes and he's slamming doors over and over- what is going on? Another ominous text from him... I venture out for another verbal lashing. He's upset at me because he's having a rough time and all I've ever tried to do is be his friend. The only thing I can make out is to be his friend, you have to like exactly everything he likes, for he keeps saying that we like different things. No kidding we like different things, what's that got to do with you being upset at me, I wonder?

He starts to gets really pissed because I'm not engaging his anger.

The last time he told me to get out of his house - early and permanently - I made up my mind that I wasn't going to live in a place where my security was threatened each month. So this time, when he says, "I want you out at the end of the month!" I quickly and calmly replied this was fine; I don't want to live where I'm not wanted.

This infuriates him and he raises the stakes. "How about you get out by the end of this week?"

"Sure," I call his bluff, "if you refund my money I just paid you for rent." I'm thinking, heck with it, give me my rent and I'll just fly to Georgia or something.

He backs down and has been in standoff mode since.

So now, I need to find a place to live. But first I need a car to go to places. But first I need income. But first, I need to get paid by a client. But first I need a home to work in, so now I need to find a place to live. But first I need a car to get there. But first I need money...

I've got a couple hundred to my name and that is it. Nothing more.

And, to top it all off... I called my Doctor in Indy (on the last day of my prescription) only to find that HE'S NO LONGER THERE! Office closed and that's that. French Connection-United Kindom me!

So, in addition to all this no home, no car, no job drama, I got no meds AND no doctor, AND no money. This is not back to zero, it's below zero. Add to it that even in the best of times I've had to remain upbeat and postive while small-minded people reject me for who I am... well, you do the math.

I'm really, really scared. This feels like the end (says the girl who's many times contemplated the end).

HELP!

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

When Dreams Die

Hold Fast To Your Dreams,
For If Dreams Die,
Life Is A Broken-Winged Bird
That Cannot Fly...

The tourament starts in one hour. The tournament. The reason why I came out here. Exciting day today, only I'm not in it.

Words cannot describe my dissatisfaction. Oh, there's always next year... whatev. Soothes as much as "you can still adopt." Even knowing I finished top 100 in the ladies world championship doesn't assuage my grief.

What hurts the most is that I believed. I did all I could do, but throughout, I maintained a solid belief that I would make it, that I was worthy. Even until I went to bed last night, I kept alive the hope of pulling through miracle #3... but it was not to be.

Once again, we fall short and find ourselves at square one. Don't tell me I aim too high; my goals are not beyond my abilities. Hillary didn't win either, you think she'd feel better if you told her the country just wasn't ready for a woman president? No. She was ready, capable, and willing.

R.I.P. WSOP Dream... it was fun while it lasted.

Milestones and Millstones

Yesterday passed a major landmark... went out into the world wearing just a mini-skirt and spaghetti-strap cami, minimal makeup... and passed! Even had a guy try to pick me up!

That the fella wanted digits wasn't the big deal though, rather it was passing in such a revealing outfit. In effect, the body becomes the clothing... there's nothing to hide behind... no long skirts or capri pants to hide boy-shaped legs, no scoop necks with gathers to hide teenage-girl breasts, and no delicate sleeves to disguise boy-shaped shoulders.

She scrutinizes in the mirror... what she previously disliked about her legs has been replaced with what she desired. Where there was once insecurity over her breasts has been replaced with confidence and hope. What she previously disliked about the shoulders has suddenly turned into an asset. Standing before her in the mirror was a fit, athletic, woman's body!

And thus, Clio enters a new phase in the transition... situational body passing. In the beginning, there was just situational outfit passing, wearing a hat, coat, skirt and boots on the streets of London and passing- so long as there was no stopping, no talking, no interacting. Then the same from afar and upclose... ubiquitous outfit passing... if the outfits where carefully chosen and the timing was perfect. More progress, and today... situational body passing. I sat at a sushi bar as exposed as I ever was, and passed completely!

One step closer to ubiquitous body passing, and thus, finally living as a woman, with the inside matching the outside. It was a good day!

But it was also a harsh day. A friend told me (yelled at me, really) that I don't know what is love or a friend. I didn't appreciated getting kicked while down, but just like astronomers can detect unknown objects by observing their effect on the surrounding universe, I put her theory to the test. Was it even plausibly true?

Sadly, and with great cosmic irony, she might be right. It would explain a lot simply, but I rather think my lot might have more subtle interactions... a cause for this symptomatic similarity that has not been set right. Dunno.

Friends... how many of us have them?
Friends... ones we can depend on?
Friends... how many of us have them?
Friends... before we go any further, let's be friends!

Friends, a word we use everyday.
Most the time we use it in the wrong way.
Now you can look the word up again and again,
But the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of friend.

And if you ask me you know I couldn't be much help.
A friend's somebody you judge for yourself.
Some are okay and they treat you real cool,
And some mistake kindness for being a fool.

We like to be with some because they're funny,
Others come around when they need some money.
Some we grew up with around the way,
And you're still real close to this very day.

Homeboys through the summer, winter, spring and fall,
And then there's some you wish you never knew at all.
This list goes on, again and again,
but these are the people that we call friends.
- Whodini

I can still recall from memory those words learned when I was just eleven. But why? And why now do they come gushing to the surface?

Are these words meant to heal the wound, that gash in my fragile sanity? Or are they meant to be released forever into the cosmos and out of my system? Or both?

Still... what is a friend?

Another friend told me once that friends are supportive, not judgemental. Encouraging you to be/do what you want, even if they don't agree, and still being there for support if it all goes pear shaped. At the time, this seemed a mature, reasonable definition of friend. I assumed it was true of real friendship.

Then again, some friends aren't very supportive at all when we deviate from their expected norms. Do we call their dropping of support "character"?

What kind of character would we expect in someone who was always supportive? Do we sometimes need anti-support... to be told what is right?

It's no surprise after feeling so alien in my body for all the years to find myself feeling so alien from the human species now... but if there's hope for one, why not the other?

Shortcut To Inevitability

I am broken, beyond repair.
Pray come death take me where
No more hurt, no more pain,
away from wounds I cannot bear.

Tears I cry, all day, all night,
but with luck, by morn' I might
dry these eyes just once more,
at last to see the end in sight.

A coward's end, a failure's life
with nothing left but this knife-
Put an end to the sorrow
With these cuts in flesh precise.

Feel cold steel, a welcome touch,
Twisting in, can't hurt much
Compared to wounds from the others
Sharpened blades lack their punch.

All will is gone; there's nothing left,
But to smile, draw one last breath,
Darkness comes, at last release,
From this dying, rotting flesh.

They think I'm crazy, but who can know?
For thirty years the pain grows!
Caught between two extremes,
Such relief to finally go.

Away from madness, absurd things
Idiots who live like kings
Tormented visions, thy name were life,
For now I know the peace death brings.

More death poetry from yours truly. This stuff just comes out when I feel like this, much like the other stuff comes out when I feel like that.

When the AABA rhyming scheme emerged, I originally thought, "oh, that's different, I wonder if it will work?" I still do. AABB seems a bit too whimsical for such a dark poem, but then I thought maybe the juxtaposition would work. Shrug... dunno... I could rework it as AABB, but it came out AABA.

Sure wish I felt better though.

Life in HD

Driving through Vegas is like being in a video game. The senses are assaulted from all sides with larger than life technicolor displays... it's hard not to feel small! The displays are so big that one gets the sense of being in a small room, with the the lights out, and the overall brightness of the surroundings flickering with the intensity of the images on the screen. Except, instead of being inside a small hotel room, one is outside! Yeah, that's how big and bright (and many of) these displays are!

I think the folks out here for the County Music Awards are rubbing off on me!

They drive nice cars... in Vegas.
Every dive is a bar... in Vegas.
In Vegas there are slots that pay us,
Everyone's a winner in Vegas.

The sun is so bright... in Vegas.
As much as the night... in Vegas.
In Vegas, they just don't hate us.
Cause it takes all kinds in Vegas.

The mountains are grand... in Vegas.
And there's lots of sand... in Vegas.
In Vegas, man and wife they'll make us.
We'll get single again in Vegas.

She has her home... in Vegas.
She likes to roam... in Vegas.
In Vegas she is anonymous,
Re-inventing herself in Vegas.

Bad Moon Rising?

There is so much drama going around right now it just breaks my heart. It's also a full moon. Are moon children drawn to personality extremes from the influence of the moon? You don't have to look far to find articles on the trends between moon phases and illness or violence.

Now there were three sexes then,
one that looked like two men back to back;
called them children of the Sun.

And similar in shape and girth
were the children of the Earth,
they looked like two girls rolled up in one.

And the children of the moon
looked like a fork shoved on a spoon
they were part Sun, part Earth, part daughter, part son.

- Stephen Trask, The Origin of Love

I've noticed this trend, but while it may be true that the moon affects us in the same way as the oceans, pulling us here and there, that doesn't explain the full moon incidents... the moon isn't any closer to us when it's full than new, we just see it. The tides come and go even when you can't see the moon, so there must be some other mechanism at work.

In a world without light, I would think the full moons would be joyous times for one could see at night. Similarly, new moons would be most dangerous for walking around after the sun goes down.

Whatever the reason, there's a lot of drama going around and once again, there's a full moon.

The link between the Moon and human behavior is not a new theory; in the 17th century, Sir William Hale, the Chief Justice of England, was explicit about the connection between the Moon and a person’s mental state: “The Moon has great influence on all diseases of the brain, especially dementia.” Well, that would explain the extremes in personality, but most people aren't even aware of the moon, so it must be something deeper.

Speaking of deeper, did you know that like the Earth, below the crust, the Moon is a molten ball of iron?

In any event, the Moon affects the oceans, so it's no small stretch to accept that - at some level - it affects us. But is it always negative? Nah, can't be... it could always be going to extremes, and as we've learned, anything taken to its extreme is absurd, but perhaps there's an opportunity here...

Perhaps if we find ourselves in situations we couldn't normally get out of, going to extremes, while absurd in the long-term, might be beneficial in the short term? That is, if we can consider the direction of the extreme behavior and use the moon as wind for our psychic sails, perhaps it can always be an opportunity for growth.

And as growth often comes with pain, perhaps that's the source of all the drama.

Rest well my friends, heal, and know that when you look at the moon on nights like this, I'll be there with you, gazing in awe at the same ball of metal spinning eternally 'round our heads.

Take A Letter, Maria...

C---------------- Csus2 - C
I'm moving to Ve ------ gas,

--------------------------F6 -- F
Gonna have me a good time,

Fmaj7 -------------G ----- G6
Makin' changes in my life,

C6 -------------- F6 --- G7 ------- C
Keeps gettin' better all of the time.

A Full Moon Prayer for Good Friday

I am grateful for the blessings in my life.
I am grateful I am my own wife.
I am grateful for friends who have places to stay,
I am grateful for the jobs that have come my way.
I am even grateful for the fella I confused,
But I am most grateful for friends I look up to:

One built from a dream, a home+ company
One has so much love of life, de la vie
One is the smartest man I've ever met.
One the most clever wherever, I'd bet!
One has talents that far exceed mine,
One has compassion, inspires divine!

Please bless them all, and all whom they touch,
Give them support, bless them so much!
And please Jesus, please bless all the rest,
Please save the world from this awful mess!
We need another like you or Lennon,
To spread forgiveness, the message of love.

PS- Please bless mother and father... I can't help them, I hope you can bother.

Clio on Clio (Ergo, Ego, 'Ere go?)

On My Family
My family, bless them, is one, ginormous redneck drama fest worthy of reality TV or Springer. That's not to say I don't love them, but theirs is not my world. Enter the father, currently in jail for not paying child support, but as it turns out, not for smoking pot (on school grounds) with his soon-to-be expelled 15-year old pregnant daughter. She just doesn't care about school because it's not her world. Trouble is, she's physically and verbally abusing her depressed, agoraphobic mother. Her seven- and nine-year old girls sleep and live on dirty floors and are lucky to change their underwear more than once a week. Imagine camping, but in a house and you might get an idea of their world. They don't seem to mind, although the oldest brother got as far away as he could, moving out at 15, and believe it or not... going to college on a football scholarship. He's the black sheep in an otherwise wholly uneducated family living in abject poverty, but refusing to work because the government will keep paying them to breed.

And that's just my mom's sister's family! But what about my family? I'm looking for a new word... maybe you can help?

They try my patience so. Estrogen is changing my body, I am going through puberty, I style my hair, wear makeup, heels, and pass more often as a genetic girl than boy. My parents know I am changing my name and my gender- have for over a year now. Last night, my parents watched me (as described above) create a similar female character on their Wii. They watched me name her Clio, and use her to bowl with them.

They still refuse to call me Clio or use feminine pronouns.
They don't even try.

They still want me to fix their computer though.

On My Research
The world of academia and business are very far removed. In academia, the sharing of ideas is encouraged, while in business, intellectual capital is to be guarded. I left academia because business took hold of university research. First labs, then entire schools were outfitted with hardware from IBM, Sun, Silicon Graphics, et. al., equipped with the latest software from Microsoft. In exchange, said companies were invited first-hand to come and steal all the brilliant work of the unsuspecting students. The students, lured by the promise of a research job at a big corporation, are all too willing to intellectually put out, so to speak.

I don't care who you are, as a grad student, you can't compete with someone like Microsoft once they grok your idea. You have classes to study for and a life to otherwise maintain. They have 100 people for everyone one of you. It's the opposite of Nike, it's Nikan't. Just can't do it. I've seen Microsoft Research, I've given talks there... once your idea is out, if it's good, you're out.

So I left academia, and recognizing the value in my ideas, stopped publishing. I started doing my own research on my own time, but you've heard about that. For those that think I just talk a lot of talk, here's a quote from a BBC article posted today about a Microsoft researcher's work:

For example Gordon Bell, a researcher at Microsoft, is working on a project called MyLifeBits which aims to digitally store "a lifetime's worth of articles, books, cards, CDs, letters, memos, papers, photos, pictures, presentations, home movies, videotaped lectures, and voice recordings"

The latest version of the project also allows him to capture phone calls, instant messenger transcripts, television, and radio to build up a virtual surrogate memory of his life.

Sound familiar? I gave a talk at MSR in 1998 where we were showing off our ability to mass preserve lectures (using software I wrote). Yes, I was whoring out my work, but then without the makeup and skirt. I said then that not only could we preserve every class one took, but also every correspondence and media stream. I said it because I believed it, and I believed it because I was doing it!

And you thought I was just crazy, scanning all my books and notes! You didn't realize I was doing the same work as top researchers at Microsoft, ay? Gordon went about it from the other direction though, digitizing first the stuff that wasn't ephemeral, i.e., current digital information. That's why I'm doing my books and paper notes after I was already capturing all things digital... a book's the same if I scan in now or then. Probably faster and higher quality if I wait, actually. Plus, I only recently gained access to my old notes and books.

The idea to digitally preserve a lifetime of memories wasn't mine. It wasn't Gordon's either. It wasn't my advisor's, it even wasn't Arthur C. Clarke's, but rather the idea belongs to a man named Vannevar Bush... from a time before computers! Google 'Vannevar Bush Memex' and you just might find a paper or two written by me or a former student of mine that cites Vannevar as inspiration! ;)

On Ego
I always have amazing drug trips in Vancouver. The last one was with this guy's posse where I was hallucinating (!) from smoking this guy's private stash (fer real!). I totally had a transcendental experience with Becky, who unwittingly was a guide in my vision quest.

Sometimes, with premature enlightenment, there is time of confusion where the mind reels from all that it has seen. The wise stay calm, but as I was then ungrounded, for a moment, I kinda lost it, which kinda freaked her out. Well, what freaked her out was this: I was looking into her soul at a spirit very dear to me which manifested itself as an old friend. Becky could have been her twin, but didn't appreciate my comment about this.

When I realized the connection was one-way, my tripping auto-pilot made a course correction, and all was well, and she understood, since she worked for people who smoked the best dope in the Western hemisphere. But still I felt ... compelled to express to her what I couldn't in my current condition, so later, I wrote her this song, and gave it to her as I drove out of Canada.

The ego resents it might not be unique,
"I am me, I am myself, I am no other,
It is an insult to deny me my mystique!"

But some people- some spirits- some consciousnesses
are so powerful, they are more than they appear.
Such a shame to not mind the coincidences!

God is everywhere at once, as are some sages.
Buddha, Moses, Jesus, Mohammad, some saints too.
Enlightenment of thought passed on through the ages.

We can't be everywhere, but some exist in twos
Threes, and even more material projections
Becky, perhaps such a spirit exists in you!

A connection once made exists throughout all space,
time, and life; have I met you before you met me?
Why could it be you did not recognize my face?

In the spirit within you, I see an old friend,
A welcome enchantment on this traveler's quest,
I bid you farewell, until we shall meet again.

I haven't yet recorded the music, and the lyrics needs some work, but this was before meeting Ms. Meltzer and learning how to better write for songs.

Growing Stronger

Read an awesome blog entry from Our Lady J (no relation) excerpted here:

a man is screaming

faggot

he gets closer

in my face

queer

he gears his fist back to take a swing

and i run.

as i’m running

i’m thinking that perhaps i deserve this.

perhaps when i’m in line at papa john’s, i deserve death threats.

perhaps when i’m in the parking lot of wal-mart, i deserve bottles being thrown at me.

perhaps when i’m visiting my family, i deserve being locked out of their car and left behind.

so much screaming. from strangers to family. so much hatred for what i was growing up to be.

because i was queer, because i defined my own happiness.

...

i learned to surround myself with love and to shut out the people who didn’t support me.

i learned to fight back when being attacked.

i learned that i didn’t deserve the chasing, the harassment, the day to day degradation.

Lady J, Muncie is not so different from Dallas... and I am learning. I am shutting out those who don't support me... but I will be there when I can support them. I am learning to fight back... but I am also learning how to avoid attacks altogether. I don't deserve the harassment... but their words can no longer hurt me. I don't deserve the day-to-day degradation, but it reflects their insecurity, not mine.

Finally, at last... I am enjoying confusing the normals! I am enjoying making men question their own sexuality because they find me sexy. I am enjoying women taking their beauty cues from me. I will enjoy confronting those small minds, and I will enjoy being a positive role model for trans-women and -men everywhere.

Mandala Inverse

So the day begins as the last fifty:
I washed and I cleaned, made myself pretty.
The madness of March had not settled in,
My alma mater lost to Wisconsin.

Afternoon sushi, I love it so much!
Shopping required; perhaps after lunch?
Made music for friends down on the corner,
The mall this weekend? Oh no, the horror!

Public ridicule, giggles from curls,
What else to expect from all the girls?
For this is their turf; keep on walking through,
Let them have some fun; courtesy of you!

I wish they were not so vocal that way,
Can words from the young rain on my parade?
The smile is gone; the chin starts to fall,
All because we had to shop at the mall.

And at our lowest, a miracle comes,
But not one or two, here are three at once!
Strangers took your joy, but one fills to top...
He wants your digits, he thinks you are hot!

And then an old friend from days in the past
Calls on her birthday... an amazing chat!
And then from nowhere, a bolt from the Blue,
Aosaf connecting, reaching out to you!

It tickles me pink to get back in touch,
I'll try it in verse, it tickles so much!
Extending from here electrons to there,
My mind to your eyes, many thoughts to share.

Through air and wire I reach in the net,
I am almost there, can y'all feel me yet?
Please excuse this poem of quality fair,
It reflects my skill, not how much I care!

In the news...

Italy's highest court of appeals rules women can lie about their infidelity. Even from the police, even under oath in a court of law! The ruling was passed down in an effort to allow dis-honorable women to maintain their honor in the face of legal investigations.

Previously, the same court ruled that women in tight jeans - by definition - can't be raped, because it would require their acceptance to remove them. After outcries by women everywhere, the court later rescinded the ruling, but said in their defense, we were talking about tight fitting, button-fly jeans!

Meanwhile, Russia's old president, Vladimir Putin, maintains that Russia's new president, Dmitry Medvedev will continue to give the West a hard time. In a similar story, US President Bush reaffirmed that he would continue to have a hard time locating Russia on a map.

Speaking of places he can't find on a map, Serbia's Prime Minister Kostunica is calling it quits after failing to get his cabinet to pick a fight with the EU over Kosovo's recent declaration of independence, a move backed by EU and America, but declared illegal by Serbia (who is in turn, backed by, you guessed it... Russia.)

The former Yugoslavia has been in a state of civil unrest ever since the dismal performance by their namesake car, the Yugo. By declaring independence, the mostly Albanian population hope to redeem themselves with the production of the Kosovolvo.

The Grand Canyon was recently flooded in an attempt to help restore the ecosystem. Perhaps they read our earlier report? Maybe someone was listening after all!

Europe is launching the stellar equivalent of a semi-truck, a space ship designed to haul up to nearly 8 tonnes of supplies to the International Space Station. It can even drive and park itself, with no human intervention, but you still have to get out and pay the meter.

Back home, despite the mortgage crisis, record oil prices, the weakest dollar in history, and new figures showing the highest number of layoffs in five years, Bush insisted the US is not in a recession. He said he hoped consumer spending would "spur job creation." I hope to wake up tomorrow looking like Angelina Jolie, but that ain't gonna happen either!

In celebrity news, comedian Bill Maher continues to whore himself out to HBO, seeking ratings, money, and fame over the chance to do some good and make a difference. Hey Bill, c'mon, you're smarter than that! Quit taking the easy road bitching about what everyone already knows and pretending to be brainwashed by the media like everyone else. Instead, why not bring to light the significant issues facing Americans today?

Such as the fact that the fall of American empire has started! With more and more Americans walking away from their inverted home loans, who owns the land/home? The bank. Who owns the bank? 'nuff said. Divide and conquer; it works for armies, computer science algorithms, and it will work on America too. Immigration from the south, foreign ownership from within, all on top of a complete collapse of the social structure because of 200 years of insular thinking, celebrity worship, and the exclusion of rational things like preservation and sustainability for abstract, meaningless concepts like money and the economy.

Look at pictures of Muncie from the 1800s and compare them to now: decline. You can do that for pretty much every city, except those bolstered by foreign money, and even there, no wealth is created; we build only to tear down, resettle, and build again. Like ants with no purpose, busily going through the motions. Most people are so out of touch with real life, they are out of balance with even the most basic of human needs.

Little wonder then, the family social structure has all but disintegrated. After so many generations of bad parents, we no longer seem to remember how to raise a family. Men refuse to pay child support and women are choosing to be uneducated, stay at home mothers because they can earn more from the government for having unprotected sex than they can from working at McDonald's. The government, admitting defeat in its public schools routinely allows for children to be home-schooled by these same uneducated parents. Like Keanu Reeves said in Ron Howard's film, "You have to have a license to drive a car or own a dog, you have to have a permit to catch a fish, but they'll let any old asshole be a father [parent]."

Meanwhile, the smartest citizens are fleeing the country like rats on a sinking ship while being replaced by our friends (perhaps smarter than us) from the south who promise to put the "Americas" back in "America." Brain drain aside, with no manufacturing base, and companies lured by billions of cheap labor working elsewhere, how can wealth be created? (I guess it doesn't matter because getting $600 each from Bush will create jobs.)

America was once alone as a (super)power, but she is about to be eclipsed- if not by technology or industry, then by the sheer volumes of people from the East, and her people are too fat, lazy, and uneducated to do a damn thing about it. (Pardon my French!) And the ones who are capable, who by some miracle haven't left, will be micro-managed by idiots who don't know the first thing about what it is they are managing. Maybe you've already noticed?

True, we are still before the rapid decline phase. Although children are routinely massacred while learning in school, we have not yet started the era of random McVey- and Madrid-style bombings, and even that will seem like a blessing when the suicide attacks start on random street corners. And in the land where anything is possible, who knows what some sick mind will dream up, only to be copied, improved, refined, and perfected by our discontented masses?

The good news is that by then, most people won't notice! Because of media conditioning, the average attention span will be little more than a goldfish. Shows like American Idol will have a presidential edition, and you will be able to bet on candidates and vote tallies while watching them 24/7 on Big Brother.

By then senseless violence mixed with misogynist sex will have permeated down to the very youngest media consumers (babies smacking moms saying, "Gimme that milk, beeotch!")... all in the name of free speech and artistic expression. Meanwhile, the government's ability to monitor every public and private communication channel for its citizens will grow, stifling free expression, but giving the illusion of having more. People will believe everything their puppet president says, despite being suffocated, face down in evidence to the contrary.

I love America, but her citizens smashed my rose-colored glasses when kicking me in the face for being different. I see my country through bloody eyes now, and though the hue is still red, the glitter has all but gone. What remains for me is to find a place in this world that will still be habitable in 50 years and move there to heal. What remains for America might be waiting on the moon, where we can build America 2.0. Still, one can't help but wonder if Douglas Adams had it right on that one too... build three ships, send the first two...

Tell me Fergie, where is the Love?

What's wrong with the world mama?
People living like aint got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?

It just ain't the same all ways have changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations dropping bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing suffering
As the youth die young
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy brother
The wars' going on but the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the love y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the love y'all?

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all people get colder
Most of us only care about money makin
Selfishness got us followin the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what the see in the cinema
Whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, we're spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under
I gotta keep my faith alive, until love is found

Cassandra out.

Fair Weather Friend

Part of composing is writing lyrics... so here's the poem du jour. Inspired by actual events!

Fair Weather Friend
by
Clio

When I ask you for lunch, you always say,
"It depends on the weather, depends on the day."
But the food tastes the same, no need to pretend
I know you're just a fair weather friend.

Party at ten, I ask when you will come?
I'm not sure, you say, I think it might storm!
The guests are the same, the fun never ends,
When I'm with my fair weather friends.

When the day is fine when the day is right,
That's when I'll find you.
But when the going is rough and life is tough,
I won't depend on you!

Some friends are forever and some for the night,
Some we let go, and some we hold tight.
With me, you see, no need to pretend,
To me you're just a fair weather friend.

Gone, But Not Forgotten

Before I was conscious, I was communicating.
I knew not what I said, but said what I knew.
Now, remnants of those converstations are being preserved,
Scanning letters from pen-pals, and some men-pals,
Like an archeologist preserving old bones.

The ebb and flow of friends, reduced to just memories.
Emma, Tuomas, Severine, M. Columbier too,
Brian, Melissa, Jana, Holly, I remember you.
Though I was just a passing shadow on your screen of life,
Your words were kept, your friendship never dies.

Sometimes we're rich, and sometimes lean, but sometime inbetween we'll meet again.

Wicked Little Town

Most people have never heard of the movie, "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." This is unfortunate for many reasons. First, it's a great movie, evolving from a ground-breaking NY play. Second, it touches on (in a positive and uplifting (but not cheesy) way) some very complex themes that are of significance to those outside the transgender community. Finally, the soundtrack was written by one of the best songwriter/composers since Cole Porter- Stephen Trask. The man is pure genius.

On of the songs, Wicked Little Town, is really two different versions of the same song. The first part is sung by Hedwig, and is a soothing poem to her masculine half, here represented by the androgynous Tommy Gnosis, and the second part is a response from Tommy to the feminine side represented by Hedwig.

As I said, the movie has complex themes... the soundtrack is more so. (And I haven't yet talked about the song written based on Plato's Dialogs!)

Anyway, this song faithfully represents to me both halves of myself struggling to make sense of it all, and of my experiences in Muncie (and around the world).

First, Hedwig's version to the young boy she loves who is in the same situation she was in when she was a young boy, and, the situation I find myself in now.

You know, the sun is in your eyes
And hurricanes and rains
And black and cloudy skies

You're running up and down that hill
You turn it on and off at will
There's nothing here to thrill or bring you down
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

Oh Lady Luck has lead you here
And they're so twisted up
They'll twist you up, I fear

The pious, hateful, and devout
You're turning tricks 'til you're turned out
The wind so cold it burns
You're burning out and blowing 'round
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

The fates are vicious and they're cruel
You learn too late you've used
Two wishes
Like a fool

And then you're someone you are not
And Junction City ain't the spot
Remember Mrs. Lot and when she turned around
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

And then we have Tommy's reply, also a painful realization of my present condition:

Forgive me,
For I did not know.
'Cause I was just a boy
And you were so much more

Than any god could ever plan,
More than a woman or a man.
And now I understand how much I took from you:
That, when everything starts breaking down,
You take the pieces off the ground
And show this wicked town
something beautiful and new.

You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
that can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
you've been through
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

So when you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town.
Oh it's a wicked, little town.
Goodbye, wicked little town.

Musically, the song is not like anything on the radio. Check out the chord progression on the chorus: G7/D, C, Cm, G, G7, C, Cm, G. The Beatles used to experiment with chord progressions going from major to minor of the same chord, but you just don't hear that kind of stuff anymore. Throw in some arpeggiated bass lines with right hand quarters and you've got an idea.

I'm trying to sing and play this song but am having difficulties because of the interplay of rhythmic patterns throughout the voice and right and left hands. Let alone the fact that I don't know how to sing with any known technique! But I'm trying. The song is so beautiful and the effect is so strong when I've only just barely played it, I can't wait until it's second nature and I can simply emote the song instead of actually trying to play it.

By the way, if you watch the movie, don't confuse how a transsexual looks in everyday life versus how she looks on stage... it is after all, a movie about an eastern European punk-rock band! We don't always wear metallic eye-makeup with sculpted blush! (Well, okay, we do, but there are the in-between moments when we are washing it off!) :)

Stephen Trask Is A Musical Genius

Great lyrics, great music!

On Love:

But I could swear by your expression that the pain down in your soul was the same as the one down in mine. That's the pain, cuts a straight line down through the heart; we called it love. (Origin of Love)

On being a post-op transsexual:

When I woke up from the operation I was bleeding down there. I was bleeding from the gash between my legs. My first day as a woman, and already it’s that time of the month! (Angry Inch)

On perseverance:

Forgive me, for I did not know. 'Cause I was just a boy and you were so much more than any god could ever plan, more than a woman or a man, and now, I understand how much I took from you. That, when everything starts breaking down, you take the pieces off the ground and show this wicked town something beautiful and new. (Wicked Little Town)

On being transsexual:

I look back on where I'm from, look at the woman I've become, and the strangest things seem suddenly routine. (Wig in a Box)

On healing:

Breath. Feel. Love. Give. Free. Know in you soul, like your blood knows the way from you heart to your brain, know that you're whole. (Midnight Radio)

On moving from London to Muncie:

'Cause with all the changes you've been through, it seems the stranger's always you. Alone again in some new wicked little town. (Wicked Little Town)

Two Songs, One Eye, and No One (to talk to)

Chorus of the minute:

Je ne veux pas travailler
Je ne veux pas déjeuner
Je veux seulement l'oublier
Et puis je fume
-- Sympathique, Pink Martini

Roughly translated:

I do not want to work.
I do not want to have lunch.
I only want to forget.
And so I smoke.

This sums up almost exactly my feelings regarding my social life. You're probably thinking I'm a stoner or something, but the past few weeks have been rough socially and work-wise. I say, almost exactly, because I can smoke... what I want more is to smoke with someone.

But, alas, since I came out in 2007, those opportunities have withdrawn. I think I now make people too uncomfortable- get this- by just being me. Whereas before, people treated me as a freak they didn't understand, now people just seem to treat me as a freak they don't want to understand. Can you believe it? Someone as innately loveable as lil 'ol me?

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't expect to find support, coming out in MidWest America. In fact, I expected lots of hatred. The good news is that people seem to be genuinely unconcerned with Trans-folk, so long as they are beyond arms' length. What I didn't expect is this perceived alienation from friends and family.

I say perceived cause it could just be me. It *could* be... however, I can count the total number of phone calls I've received in the new year on one finger, and that ain't normal. So perhaps everyone just is super busy now. I'm sure no one is freaked out at all because everyone I know is so attentive to details, and I've only been slowly coming out now, for what, a year?

Whatever... so that's got this girl down, but we get through. We always do.

I now proudly wear my label of 'freak!'

We are freaks we are butch we are fem
We are freaks look at him look at them.
-- Freaks, Stephen Trask

Speaking of, check out this adorable little kitty! OMG, can you believe it? Unfortunately, 'Cy' only lived for a few days, poor thing... but she did live!

... and so do the rest of the 'freaks' like me. Even if the phone forgets to ring.