Fun With Stoners

It's been a long day. I haven't eaten because I wanted to exercise first. It's dark now, but I the streets are great for Rollerblading, so I decide to combine them with a trip down to Taco Bell.

I get there at 11:02. The dining room has been closed for 2 minutes. Now, I've never much understood how a company could discriminate against people based on whether or not they have a car, but that's exactly what Taco Bell does!

They don't want me as a customer after 11pm unless I'm in a car. I know from experiences as a kid that they won't serve me from the drive up window on blades, and I couldn't even trigger the sensor which says "ding, a customer is here."

But I didn't come all this way for nothing!

I hang back and wait for my opportunity. There's a woman in a car being a car already ordering. Now's my chance. I knock on her window.

...

You might think it's unusual to have your windows knocked on while you're in the drive up at a fast-food restaurant, but let me give you a little background into just how unusual it can be!

First off... it's late and it's Taco Bell. Odds are, the only people here are stoners. No soccer moms here! Second, it's late... they are probably stoned, which is why they are at Taco Bell in the first place. Munchies.

...

I totally freak out this lady. She looks shocked and doesn't even make eye contact. I explain to her through the window that I just want to order some food and I need her help, but she's too paranoid to care. She drives up to box, leaving me where I was. The man tells her to wait. I'm just standing there, a bit amused, but confused. She rolls down the window and summons me to her door. Oh cool! She changed her mind!

I get up there and am immediately hit by the smell of incense. I suddenly get why she was so freaked out! LOL. I wonder if stoners realize that the only people who burn incense - especially in a car - are people covering up the smell of weed. It's a dead give away. I probably could have gone back with her and partied, had I been so inclined, but she struck me as the kind of user I didn't have much in common with. You know, turn on, tune in, tune out.

I make my order and blade in front of her car. She hangs back, way back at the first booth, the one where you normally pay first. She's too stoned to realize it's closed and she'll have to pull up to the second window.

The guy at the window doesn't want to give me the food, but I smile pretty and finally he gives me the food so I'll go away.

It was so much fun, I almost wanna try it again!

Clio on Clio (Ergo, Ego, 'Ere go?)

On My Family
My family, bless them, is one, ginormous redneck drama fest worthy of reality TV or Springer. That's not to say I don't love them, but theirs is not my world. Enter the father, currently in jail for not paying child support, but as it turns out, not for smoking pot (on school grounds) with his soon-to-be expelled 15-year old pregnant daughter. She just doesn't care about school because it's not her world. Trouble is, she's physically and verbally abusing her depressed, agoraphobic mother. Her seven- and nine-year old girls sleep and live on dirty floors and are lucky to change their underwear more than once a week. Imagine camping, but in a house and you might get an idea of their world. They don't seem to mind, although the oldest brother got as far away as he could, moving out at 15, and believe it or not... going to college on a football scholarship. He's the black sheep in an otherwise wholly uneducated family living in abject poverty, but refusing to work because the government will keep paying them to breed.

And that's just my mom's sister's family! But what about my family? I'm looking for a new word... maybe you can help?

They try my patience so. Estrogen is changing my body, I am going through puberty, I style my hair, wear makeup, heels, and pass more often as a genetic girl than boy. My parents know I am changing my name and my gender- have for over a year now. Last night, my parents watched me (as described above) create a similar female character on their Wii. They watched me name her Clio, and use her to bowl with them.

They still refuse to call me Clio or use feminine pronouns.
They don't even try.

They still want me to fix their computer though.

On My Research
The world of academia and business are very far removed. In academia, the sharing of ideas is encouraged, while in business, intellectual capital is to be guarded. I left academia because business took hold of university research. First labs, then entire schools were outfitted with hardware from IBM, Sun, Silicon Graphics, et. al., equipped with the latest software from Microsoft. In exchange, said companies were invited first-hand to come and steal all the brilliant work of the unsuspecting students. The students, lured by the promise of a research job at a big corporation, are all too willing to intellectually put out, so to speak.

I don't care who you are, as a grad student, you can't compete with someone like Microsoft once they grok your idea. You have classes to study for and a life to otherwise maintain. They have 100 people for everyone one of you. It's the opposite of Nike, it's Nikan't. Just can't do it. I've seen Microsoft Research, I've given talks there... once your idea is out, if it's good, you're out.

So I left academia, and recognizing the value in my ideas, stopped publishing. I started doing my own research on my own time, but you've heard about that. For those that think I just talk a lot of talk, here's a quote from a BBC article posted today about a Microsoft researcher's work:

For example Gordon Bell, a researcher at Microsoft, is working on a project called MyLifeBits which aims to digitally store "a lifetime's worth of articles, books, cards, CDs, letters, memos, papers, photos, pictures, presentations, home movies, videotaped lectures, and voice recordings"

The latest version of the project also allows him to capture phone calls, instant messenger transcripts, television, and radio to build up a virtual surrogate memory of his life.

Sound familiar? I gave a talk at MSR in 1998 where we were showing off our ability to mass preserve lectures (using software I wrote). Yes, I was whoring out my work, but then without the makeup and skirt. I said then that not only could we preserve every class one took, but also every correspondence and media stream. I said it because I believed it, and I believed it because I was doing it!

And you thought I was just crazy, scanning all my books and notes! You didn't realize I was doing the same work as top researchers at Microsoft, ay? Gordon went about it from the other direction though, digitizing first the stuff that wasn't ephemeral, i.e., current digital information. That's why I'm doing my books and paper notes after I was already capturing all things digital... a book's the same if I scan in now or then. Probably faster and higher quality if I wait, actually. Plus, I only recently gained access to my old notes and books.

The idea to digitally preserve a lifetime of memories wasn't mine. It wasn't Gordon's either. It wasn't my advisor's, it even wasn't Arthur C. Clarke's, but rather the idea belongs to a man named Vannevar Bush... from a time before computers! Google 'Vannevar Bush Memex' and you just might find a paper or two written by me or a former student of mine that cites Vannevar as inspiration! ;)

On Ego
I always have amazing drug trips in Vancouver. The last one was with this guy's posse where I was hallucinating (!) from smoking this guy's private stash (fer real!). I totally had a transcendental experience with Becky, who unwittingly was a guide in my vision quest.

Sometimes, with premature enlightenment, there is time of confusion where the mind reels from all that it has seen. The wise stay calm, but as I was then ungrounded, for a moment, I kinda lost it, which kinda freaked her out. Well, what freaked her out was this: I was looking into her soul at a spirit very dear to me which manifested itself as an old friend. Becky could have been her twin, but didn't appreciate my comment about this.

When I realized the connection was one-way, my tripping auto-pilot made a course correction, and all was well, and she understood, since she worked for people who smoked the best dope in the Western hemisphere. But still I felt ... compelled to express to her what I couldn't in my current condition, so later, I wrote her this song, and gave it to her as I drove out of Canada.

The ego resents it might not be unique,
"I am me, I am myself, I am no other,
It is an insult to deny me my mystique!"

But some people- some spirits- some consciousnesses
are so powerful, they are more than they appear.
Such a shame to not mind the coincidences!

God is everywhere at once, as are some sages.
Buddha, Moses, Jesus, Mohammad, some saints too.
Enlightenment of thought passed on through the ages.

We can't be everywhere, but some exist in twos
Threes, and even more material projections
Becky, perhaps such a spirit exists in you!

A connection once made exists throughout all space,
time, and life; have I met you before you met me?
Why could it be you did not recognize my face?

In the spirit within you, I see an old friend,
A welcome enchantment on this traveler's quest,
I bid you farewell, until we shall meet again.

I haven't yet recorded the music, and the lyrics needs some work, but this was before meeting Ms. Meltzer and learning how to better write for songs.

Xanecstasy?

In the beginning, I was angry because I was frustrated from gender dysphoria. To cope, I began self-medicating with natural products. Since it was difficult to get expert advice, I did what I always do in those situations... I read all the background research I could find, and I started my own experiments.

Although my efforts helped with the anger, (and taught me how to party) I was obviously only treating symptoms. That's why last year, I started self-medicating with hormones. When experimental evidence pointed toward long-term use, finding a medical doctor became a priority. At that time, the doctor suggested I take an anti-depressant, but because I've always felt my sadness was environmental, and because I'm not pro-drugs just for the sake of drugs, I declined.

So the hormones have started working, life was generally good, and for the first time in a long time, I was happy with my progress... yet as a result of living in Muncie, the sadness persisted. And then the universe provided for me 0.5 mg of Xanax.

Me likey. More experiementation needed.

Introduction to Drugs, Part II

Here are two articles on a recent scientific study on the effects of our friend, psylocybin (the 'magic' in 'Magic Mushrooms').

• Wall Street Journal, Go Ask Alice
• Forbes, M&M Drug Study

(In general, I don't read news sites with advertising, but that's the topic of another post. These links were sent to me by a trusted friend, so I'll just move on...)

Make what you will from the articles, for the claims are true, but I want to address a few things.

#1: "Two-thirds described the effects of the drug, called psilocybin, as among the five most meaningful experiences of their lives."

Yeah, that happens. Ask me though, and getting high in a lab wouldn't be up there... getting high with friends at home, in a club, in the woods, in the city, I.E., doing something... yah, those can be great times! They are only the most meaningful experiences until you actually do the things that you realized while tripping... then those experiences become the most meaningful things. Get it?

#2: "But in 30% of the cases, the drug provoked harrowing experiences dominated by fear and paranoia. Two participants likened the episodes to being in a war."

Yeah, that happens... until the responsible tripper tells them... "Hey... you're just tripping on a bad thought... everything's okay, we're having a great time," and then... they do. Tripping in an unfamiliar, sterile place like a lab is a recipe for a bad trip! I'm surprised only 30% had one!

#3: The method employed... First off, they selected people with no prior hallucinagenic drug experiences, and gave them no training. OMG!

And finally, the sad part, couched in the amazing part:

It was widespread abuse in the 1960s that led to hallucinogens becoming illegal, effectively shutting down then-burgeoning corporate and academic research programs that had suggested the agents might be valuable research and therapeutic tools. One of the last influential studies was the Good Friday Experiment in 1962 in which 20 seminary students were given either psilocybin or nicotinic acid during a religious service. The 10 who got psilocybin reported intense spiritual experiences with positive benefits; one follow-up study suggested those effects lasted 25 years.

Entheogen literally means (from ancient Greek) "that which generates God (or godly inspiration) within a person."

Not all drugs are bad... not all people who use them are evil dealers, and not all uses of them are perverse, some are even holy!

Introduction to Drugs♦

Disclaimer:

I want to make it perfectly clear that I do NOT condone the use of drugs! Not because drugs are bad per se, (they aren't) but because the overwhelming majority of people I've encountered simply are not ready for them (because their mind is too troubled) and/or cannot control them (because they can't control themselves).

So I repeat: "do not try this at home!" If you are going to ignore my warnings, at least have the common sense to experiment in the presence of seasoned, skilled guide or shaman. If you do not have the patience or willpower to do this simple thing, it is proof you are not yet ready (in the eyes of this urban shaman).

That said, I think drugs are great! They give us perspective, enlightenment (albeit premature), attitude adjustments, and enhanced powers such as self-awareness, empathy, and egolessness. They are great for 'partying' with friends on special occasions, for spiritual questing when seeking God, and for obtaining inspiration from your muses.

I find it amusing that most of the people I meet who are anti-drugs also find admirable in me, those very qualities I've discovered through using them.

Unfortunately, most people only think drugs are for two things: losing inhibitions, or partying, and running away (or taking a break) from reality (versus getting a new perspective on reality).

In this introduction, and in posts to follow, I would like to clearly explain the effects of the many drugs (some of them illicit in some countries) I've sampled and how to obtain maximum benefit and enjoyment from them. If you are an American, it's okay to freak out. Our culture has bred us to immediately shut down and say, "Drugs are bad, m'kay?" Mix in a healthy does of fear-based lifestyles with a lack of self-control and you have a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Drugs are powerful, m'kay? You need a clear head, a healthy body, and a relaxed, comfortable environment to take them. If you think "drugs are bad" (they aren't) or if you have unresolved psychological issues, you should not be taking drugs! I'm mostly talking about hallucinogens and entheogens, but the same argument can be said for marijuana and alcohol - it's just times 100 for hallucinogens and entheogens.

Unfortunately, the plain fact is that most people simply cannot handle drugs. I cite as evidence for this the millions of people addicted to drugs that they don't even consider drugs. Everyone who needs their morning cup of coffee -- you're an addict! Everyone tokin' on those fags -- you're an addict! (For the Americans, fags are cigarettes.) Everyone eating when their body isn't hungry -- you're an addict.

And I haven't even gotten to what most people consider drugs yet! Yes, I put alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, sugar, aspirin, and the like squarely in the category of 'drugs' which also include psylocybin (magic mushrooms), Cocaine, THC (marijuana, hash, kif), LSD & other hallucinogens, etc.

Whatever the substance, be it chemical, natural, or produced in our bodies (like adrenaline) people seek it for the changes it produces in our bodies and minds. Alcohol makes us feel invincible. Aspirin makes us feel numb. Pot makes us feel relaxed. MDMA (X, E, ecstasy) makes us feel love. Cocaine makes us feel power. Caffeine makes us feel energy. Psylocybin makes us feel god. Yes... GOD!

This is all well and good as long as one maintains a healthy dose of "the right time and place." Problem is, like the dog who eats everything put in front of it, people have a tenancy to overdo a good thing.

This is a shame, because it has earned all drugs a bad reputation -- a misconception that I hope to correct. You see, I think drugs are a great way to enhance life, experience levels of consciousness we could never attain on our own, and break down barriers to happiness. But I do drugs, so of course I would say that.

I *do* drugs, I don't *use* drugs. Don't get me wrong, when I party, my body is a machine and together, we go through -- safely, and only after significant experiments -- we go through vast amounts of substances which leave lesser mortals lying on the kitchen floor, twitching in ecstasy. (You know who you are! ;) At least they are having a good time!

I miss all my friends, but I miss those friends the most. It's not everyone you can, on a whim, jet off to Amsterdam for a weekend of inner enlightenment and fun. Wherever you are, I dedicate this joint to your memory. Party on!