The Punchline

Okay, I know my last posts about Mr. Big have lacked that certain... je ne sais quoi. Sure, it was surreal enough, but was Clio surreal?

In a word, no.

Thank you, World for fixing that tonight. What happened you ask?

Well, I'm watching TV... Monday night football. Not my usual choice, but the Colts are my only real link to the culture here. I go out in my pink Manning jersey and I get instant street cred. Or sidewalk cred anyway.

So I'm watching TV... on comes a commercial for a jewelry store.

Yes... THAT jewelry store!

OMG! How funny is that?!?! I suck one dick and now, 'lo and behold, there's the owner's smiling face looking down at me from wall! Shelarious!

And then I notice all the diamonds. Wow, it's a nice store!

To be continued...

Midwest Adventures

Walking to Walmart in order to procure today's food, and some bathroom supplies, it's hard not to notice the wind, for there certainly is a lot of it. Being in the sun would provide warmth if only it were a calm day. Instead, we cover up in jeans, a long top and a wool sweater. It's a otherwise perfect fall day.

The route from home brings me to the back of the store, and I walk around to the front, I decide to treat myself by having someone else cook my food, so I continue trekking across the parking lot, through a field, another parking lot, and finally to Taco Bell.

There's no one at the front counter. I'm in no hurry. Finally a young man comes up to the counter and asks for my order.

"A grilled stuffed burrito please, no meat & fresco style."

Freso-style is their code word for either "healthy" or "vegan" depending on your outlook. What it means is add salsa fresca, but remove all cheese and dairy-based sauces. You know, all the fattening, non-nutritional stuff? Their codeword revolutionized my ordering at Taco Bell; I could finally order from the menu and just add one word (two actually) and get what I want with no fuss.

He's having trouble figuring out how to make the order. A supervisor comes over to assist.

"What kind of meat did you want?"

"No meat, fresco-style please." If you say fresco-style first, it confuses them. They want meat first. Or in my case, no meat first.

The manager helps him and walks away.

"Anything else?"

"A Mt. Dew Baja Blast please, and that's all."

He punches away at his register.

I notice there's water dripping from his elbows. His hairy arms are quite obviously wet.

I'm curious. "How's your day?"

He laughs and for a second, relaxes into a comfortable grin. "It's a good day. How are you?"

"Great! The sun's shining, it's wonderfully warm fall day."

"Yeah, I get off work here soon; I want to go fishing."

I can't resist. "Oooh, gonna catch some dinner?"

"Yeah."

OMG, he going to eat what he catches! "Where do you fish around here?"

"Oh, I live up by Moresville, and there's lots of little ponds around there."

He hands me a receipt and starts to head to the back of the store.

"Good luck fishing!" I remind him I'm still there.

"Thanks. Enjoy your food."

And I am, when I notice a woman coming in with her young son. He looks immersed in his own world and she's definitely in her own world. They sit down across from me and I quickly feel sympathy for the boy, for I remember being in his shoes. His mother is being quite negative. "I don't want to sit here," was her response to where he wanted to sit. "Don't you want to look out the window instead?" she said as he picked a seat in the booth she desired. "Don't get that out now, it's time to eat." was her response when she saw him get out a book. Just after that, she got on the phone, ignoring her meal. I never had much respect for "do as I say, not as I do," and I could tell this kid was not oblivious to the hypocrisy by the look of frustration that fell across his face.

A few minutes into the conversation, I hear her say (well, the whole store could have heard it, but just I was there) that she was really mad because she asked for extra cheese and there's hardly any on there.

If you know me and my struggles to get cheese-free products from fast food stores, then you can appreciate the smile across my face as I imagine a food product that is so overwhelmed with cheese that it might as well be called cheese with X. I imaged her still being upset at this, wanting essentially a dinner of nothing but cheese.

Evidently, the boy had similar thoughts! Upon hearing his mother's comments, I watched him look over his food at her dinner and his face was priceless! His eyes bugged out and his jaw dropped. LOL. I couldn't help but giggle as he looked up to see if anyone else was in on the joke. I was, so I flashed a wide smile to him and just for a moment, we connected. We laughed together in silence before going back to our meals.

A young girl stares me down as I'm leaving. I think she thinks I'm cute. Either that or she thinks I'm a boy... it's hard to tell sometimes, except that the latter hasn't happened in a while. As I go by, return the gaze. She's pretty. I smile and catch her eye, and her eyes smile back. Her face smiles too, and like a guy, her head turns watching me leave.

Lookit me, turning heads! Teehee.

Walmart was considerably less exciting. A cute young girl, maybe 2 or 3 comes up to me and says hi as I'm looking for a red pepper. She was adorable! Just after, a lady saddles her cart next to mine and exclaims there must be a celery shortage. I point her eyes to the sorry state of the peppers and fruit and suggest that perhaps Meyers might have fresher produce. "Will you please take me and give me a ride home?" I don't ask. "Thanks, I'll try there!"

It's a simple life here in Waldeniana.

The Reality

My company is looking for new office in this bustling city square. Our competition is seated at one end and our options are either a beautiful modern building overlooking the square directly opposite, or an upper level suite in an older Parisian-style row home along the adjacent side.

We're walking as a group inside the new building when suddenly, I find myself walking alone, outside, headed away from the square, down a lane that runs diagonally to this building. (How did I get here?) Then I notice that I'm walking my parent's dogs, Pheobe and Chester. (Where did they come from?) The questions leave my mind as soon as they enter. The question of how Chester came back from the grave never enters my mind. We are going down a countryside residential road, like what you'd see in Tennessee, where people actually cluster in the hills. Everything grows wild here, and the dirt path is marked on both sides by rows of grass, weeds, flowers, and ivy. There is a wire fence which separates the road from the fields, and occasionally this is interrupted by a driveway into the occasional run-down 70s-style American ranch home.

Pheobe is staying with me but Chester has run off way ahead. I can't find him, and I'm starting to have reservations about walking alone this far away from the square, so I turn around, calling him, figuring that he'll eventually come back. Phoebe's happy to head back there too, her spirit obviously raised by the decision.

We're almost back to the square, in a modern city, nowhere near this walk through the countryside, and Chester returns with another dog. This one is white, very homely, and not altogether friendly looking. I think he's some kind of English hound. I try to pet him, but he doesn't like this. Instead of biting me however, he returns from where he came.

Suddenly, I'm transported instantly to a bedroom, like a dorm room, with concrete floors, two beds... perhaps in the basement of the row home on the side of the square that looked like it came directly from Montemartre. I have a roommate. She's doing something - I can't recall what - and we're talking about something- I can't remember that either. She's helping me with some kind of problem, but then leaves me alone and, having nothing to do, I clean the room and put away some things before lying again in bed and relaxing into a deep sleep.

I wake up from my dreams. From the amount of light coming in through the drawn shades, it's early, maybe 9am. Having nothing better to do this Sunday, I brush my teeth and get back into bed, content to just lie there. I go back to sleep, hoping to continue the dream and explore the surroundings a bit more. I've been there before, and the elements of this unexplored world are coming together into a whole, but the puzzle still misses too many pieces. I can tell though that this realm encompasses several recurring dreams over the past few years.

I wake up again, and again force myself to stay in bed... what is there to get up for?

The pattern of waking, realizing I'm depressed, and sinking back comfortably in bed continues, but this time, without the dreams.

Now the light from the windows is hinting that it's mid-afternoon. I get up and head into the bathroom. I look like a woman, but I don't feel like one. I grab the tweezers and start plucking hairs from my face - my daily routine begins. Around 100 hairs later, I disappear into the shower. Upon returning, I grab the epilator, pluck the rest of the hairs on my face, wash, exfoliate, and moisturize, and finally emerge fresh, clean, and smooth.

I put lotion on all over my body. I'm too poor now to afford the scented lotion I love so much, so instead I'm using a cheap one that is moisturizing, but doesn't smell pretty. It's game day, so I put on a pair of jeans and a pink Dolce & Gabanna long sleeve stretch under a pink Colt's jersey, #18 - Manning. Sandra gave me the shirt; I never would have bought the D&G shirt, but now I love wearing it, and it's the perfect compliment to the jersey. It has become my weekly link to her and to Italy.

I go back into the bathroom and quickly apply some makeup- blush, eyeliner, shadow, and mascara. I don't need foundation anymore because I'm pulling out my facial hair instead of shaving it. I curl my hair. I see a pretty woman in the mirror now. We smile at each other for moment. Satisfied with what I see, it's time to make lunch.

No one is coming over today, but nonetheless, I still go through same routine as I do every day. No one comes over on those days either, but that doesn't matter. I'm not getting myself pretty for anyone but me, which is a good thing, because me is all there is.

Lunch today is going to be a healthy stir-fry. Noodles, carrots, water chestnuts, peas and broccoli with a light teriyaki sauce. Not my favorite meal, but nonetheless the highlight of the day... my one meal. One meal is all I can afford now, so I thoroughly enjoy the process of cooking it and eating it. Even cleaning the dishes and appliances is a meditation to be enjoyed.

Eating one meal a day isn't not so bad; you get used to it quickly. Oh, my stomach growled at night or the first week and there were hunger pangs that came with it, but a hungry stomach to me feels like a muscle that's exercising, so in the same way that a slow burn from a workout feels good, so too did the lack of food become tolerable. The hunger gradually subsided and now it's no big deal. I'm also eating around 50% fat, 80% carbs, and 50% protein of the USRDA. There's not much activity going on here, so my body doesn't need a whole lot of calories to function.

And then I notice my nails. It's time for a manicure and pedicure. Since I can't afford to go get one, I give myself a French manicure (in tribute to the dream) with iridescent pink base. This is my entertainment while watching the Colts lose to Green Bay.

It's almost 4pm and I've started coding. Working on the weekend, sure, but what else am I going to do? I'm tethered to this house, might as well work instead of watching commercials, I mean, TV. There's nothing good on TV anymore anyway. The occasional Science Channel peaks my interest (I'm a sucker for learning) but outside of that... well, there are so many commercials, and since I can't afford a DVR, I just chose not to watch anything at all.

There are no mirrors in this house; just one in the bathroom. It's such a change from Vegas, where every room had multiple large mirrors in them. I make myself pretty and I can't even enjoy looking at myself! All this consciousness sees are the blank walls around me and Web 2.0 codes on the screen. At least the fingers making the letters appear are now pleasing to my eyes.

Welcome to my Walden. Just me and my shadow.

Desperate to feel like a woman, I ring the jewelry store owner I met at LaGuardia back when I was jetting around the country. We shared a fag, he bought me a drink, and I left for Seattle. What makes him special is that he only knows me as Clio; that cheery woman at the airport.

He's not there; I leave a message and he calls back. He wants to come over tonight! Oh dear. That means he wants sex... he thinks I have a vagina. I'm depressed all over again. I tell him I can't tonight, but that he should call me later in the week. Maybe by then I'll figure out what to do.

Engaging Life

In my quest to better understand life, I've been learning about some incredible things. First there are the creatures that don't need the sun! Found in the darkness of caves, the troglobites have de-evolved! They lost their eyes! And in the dark, vast ocean, around the hydro-thermal vents, there is not carbon-based but sulfur-based life!

Last night, it was the insects turn. I learned how spiders have learned to use silk as many different tools: protection, hunting, transport, and more! Spiders give me the woolies. But, I forced myself to watch this show about insects to learn who does what, who eats whom, etc.

Did you know that some caterpillar larvae emit a smell that makes ants think they are ant larvae? No kidding, the ants pick them up and put them deep inside their nest, feed then, suck all the bodily fluids from their body (there's no toilets in ant hills) and generally take care of them.

Did you know that some wasps can do the same? Plus, they can actually find the nest with the invading caterpillar, fly in, and inject it (sting it) with it's egg. The caterpillar cocoons as normal, but when it hatches, a wasp flies out instead of a butterfly. Downright macabre, that is!

Insects were around long before we were, and they're everywhere, just below our feet. No place is that more evident than suburbia Indiana, where all you have to do is look out your window or step out your front door!

There is nature everywhere here. All kinds of life. Compared to the desert and New York, it's teeming with life. Crickets play a nightly symphony, letting us know how cold it is. Owls hoot away in the distance. Birds chirp overhead, other insects make noises. A cicada punctuates the canvas, there's a frog's croak, butterflies flirt through the yard, a colony of ants is on the move, grasshoppers are hopping, beetles are beating, and spiders guard every square inch of the house where light leaks through at night.

Now, spiders creep me out, but we have a deal. They stay outside, away from all human footpaths, and eat all the bugs coming in the house. In exchange, I won't kill them or destroy their webs. Big spiders... with hairy legs. Fur, almost. Creepy. Like small animals instead of insets.

So far, it has been an amicable relationship.

Today, as I was outside on the porch contemplating life, I noticed a praying mantis, perfectly disguised on the shrub, giving me the eye. I look at it for a little while from the corner of my eye, and then... I don't know why... I started to play with it.

I moved so that the branch it was on was between it's head and my head - so it could no longer see me. Then I played 'peek-a-boo' with it, moving left to where it could see me, then in the middle, then right, then middle, etc.

That bug watched me! Then, when I quit, IT DID THE SAME THING!

Woah. Communication. Cool. So next, I extend an arm toward it and wave gently. Guess what it did? The same thing!

Woah! I reached even closer to it, and it climbed to the top of the branch and extended its entire body toward me. I wanted to be like Sir Attenborough and pick it up and play with it, but I was too scared of it. Big 'ol giant scared of a little bug! Well, the way this girl was eyeing me, I didn't know what to think. She might have dumped a whole load of eggs on my warm skin or something, so I just stayed there a bit as we checked each other out.

Later, Light came by to say hello, as she usually does whenever I'm out front. She's really starting to warm up to me, wanting me to scratch her head and pet her. She'll get close to me, flop over on her side and start purring. Cute! Sometimes, she gets all regal and stands guard with me. It's adorable.

She seems declawed, so I'm a bit worried about her, especially with winter coming. I hope she has a home.

Would You Like Fries With That?

My friend Dave recently told me about the hardest thing he ever had to say. It was just after he'd lost his job as a chemist. Now bartending, partly out of necessity, partly out of therapy, he was forced into a job way below his skill level, education, and pay grade. Even worse was the greeting.

Hello, my name is Dave. What can I get for you?

I didn't mind working for McDonalds when I was in high school, but I wouldn't do that now simply because I could earn more working from home. Ain't that something? Can't get a job in an office, but can at least get a job at home earning more than another job in person I couldn't get anyway. Blessing counted!

But that does't mean the work is any less humiliating.

So today I'm setting up my portable office to work with a remote company. Starting at the bottom, I plan to just do good work and silently swim in these waters until I can assess career opportunities.

But these are shallow waters - no room for pride.

Would you like fries with that?

So Long, Sober!

Clio's back and living by herself again. This time, it's in a huge house in Midwest suburbia. There's a shopping center about a mile away ... well, there's a mega-super-walmart, applebees, taco bell, mcdonalds, and a sprint store. I swear, I'm seeing more sprint stores these days than subways (which incidentally, is inside the walmart).

One of the benefits of living by myself is that I can once again not be sober. I'll never go far from drugs again! I mean, think about it... a four-month stint drug-free and look what happened?

• I feel into wrong crowds
• I thought I was employable
• I had delusions of grandeur
• I became very, very depressed

I must not have been on drugs to think I could get a job! What was I thinking? Too much ambition, that's for sure!

Shadow And The Light

My first night in suburbia. After spending all day cleaning, I finally get myself cleaned up and start to relax.

I'm standing outside, on the walkway between the front door and the driveway. Finally, after two months of discomfort, the promise of rest, quiet, and peacefulness. It's a warm and humid late summer night; I'm comfortable in just my nightie. The front door faces due South, and the moon is shining brightly overhead. Orion has just emerged from the East, standing in full glory, magnificent, and dominant on the horizon.

I light my last Nat Sherman, taking a shallow puff, then a long pull before exhaling into the sky. The sky looks different here. I want to say there are less stars than in Vegas, but it almost seems like there are just different stars here. In the desert, I could see the Milky Way, and if you know where to look, you can kind of make it out here. On the other hand, because there are less stars here, other galactic features are now more prominent. The Andromeda galaxy is straight above me, just barely visible as a brighter patch in the sky. I take another pull... so this is my life for the next few months, huh?

Just then, the neighbors start to come over. Well, the neighbors who are out at 2am anyway. A black cat approaches and says hello. Meow. I mimic her greeting and at this, she raises her tail high (akin to a dog wagging its tail) and comes closer. I notice she has a very bright white patch on her front chest; she almost appears white when she approaches head-on. Just then, in the shadows, I notice movement.

I look round and see a dark gray cat, sitting in the dark corner of the garage door opening, watching us both. Instantly, the names Shadow and Light run through my mind, and so I greet them both with their new monikers.

Shadow doesn't look very friendly as he approaches. He gets closer and I can tell that he's looking for a fight. As he starts to get aggressive with Light, I TSSsss at him and he bolts away into the darkness. Light, appropriately, stays in the moonlight by my feet. I think I just made a friend.

I study the living things surrounding the house. This place needs a landscaping company something fierce. Unfortunately, that's my job. The price of solitude is that I keep up the house. I push the thought to the back of my mind. There's so much work that needs done, I'll have to just take it one step at a time, and anyway, I'm not touching the lawn until the inside of the house is to my liking.

Looking up from the ground, I notice that everything looks alike here in the dark. All the homes with the porch lights on and the cars in the driveways... it's a constant repetitive pattern. New York had rows and rows of homes even closer together, yet somehow, there was a much greater diversity there than what is before me now.

Welcome to suburbia.