Swimming in the Gene Desert

Just found out today that I'm sterile. I went to the sperm bank a few days ago to make what I thought would be the first of a few deposits for after I'm on estrogen and no longer producing sperm. Too late. There will be no others like me. Genetically speaking, anyway.

At first, this caused me great pain. I mean, I didn't want kids now, but I did think of having them someday. I can't tell you how many people were insensitive to this by telling me that I can still adopt... I wasn't hurting because I thought I could never be a parent! There's a difference between being a parent and having a child.)

I didn't know if mom had given up on the idea of me having kids yet, so I was worried to tell her, but figured I should nonetheless. She's been pushing hard for nearly two decades so I figured knowing they would never come would be better than a futile hope.

When I told her how upset I was about this, she told me, more or less, to not worry about it because I would have probably made a lousy parent! LOL. I mean, literally, that's what she said, but in context, I took a deeper meaning from it, and in the end, her words did help.

You see, Ego was telling me that it was a waste for me not to have kids. If you knew me, that makes sense. However, I realized how little I connect or identify with the rest of my genetic family and that any kids I might have would have a much larger gene pool than just me to draw from... meaning my kids would probably be more like the rest of the family than me. Dunno if this is true or if my genes are more likely, but in any case, this seems very plausible, and if so, it is a pretty good reason to not feel sad!

Besides, we can change the world in many ways... we can have a child, pass along our genes and our knowledge... or, we could inspire a young mind with an idea... start a company that does world good... write a book that changes the outlook of millions, and so on.

And finally, I mused on the life of a spider family I've been living with. There's no food for a spider in my house, save one time a year when there are a few little wood bugs, but nonetheless, here comes one from a previous egg. I let it be, and watch it spin its web that will only collect dust. The life of this poor spider doesn't have much point (to me), and I'm forced to consider that maybe my own life is like that.

But even if it is, and I nonetheless desire to pass on my genes... there's always cloning!