Montmontre Musicals

Cole Porter is a musical genius. I've always loved his songs and his music. His ability to put together chords fascinated my ear from first listen, and his lyrics... he captures what it's like to be in the heights of love's passion, and too, in the depths of her longing. And I'm not the only one who thinks so! Quoting from the book of Wikipedia:

He was noted for his sophisticated (sometimes ribald) lyrics, clever rhymes, and complex forms. He was one of the greatest contributors to the Great American Songbook.

(He was from Indiana too!)

Such a joy it was to finally see the Hollywood version of his musical, Can-Can! The songs truly belong in a love story set in Paris! The dancing (esp. Shirley McClain) is uniquely superb and most entertaining (and I'm not talking about the can-cans!) And the singing... well, it is the Chairman, after all! Yay serendipity! I really must get to starting a collection of these musicals!

I wish there were more singing and dancing in American movies today and less horror and violence, but perhaps these are more indicative of our times than our tastes? Seems to me now more than ever, we could use more happiness, love, and joy in lieu of death, despair, and fear.

But regarding the Great American Songbook:

For its devotees, the GAS (as it is sometimes abbreviated) represents a level of musical and lyrical sophistication that has yet to be equaled.

Amen! But we're gonna try!

Mixed Feelings...

BBC is doing a show about a male-to-female transexual.

But...

Why do they always cast genetic women in those roles?

Same thing happened in this movie about a M2F!

Would you watch a movie about Martin Luther King, Jr. if the actor was a white guy in black paint?

Are there no transexual actresses? Where do I sign up?

A good friend told me nearly made him hurl when he found out about me (he was being honest about his physical reaction... mentally, he was accepting). Is that what would happen if the movie contained a real M2F (minus the accepting)?

I'm torn between being happy about a film about my people and insulted that we aren't in it.

Statistical Abuse

What's wrong with this picture?

Amazingly, Obama has 54% of the Texas vote... amazing because just 2% of the vote has been cast! In the picture above, he has 54% of 2% of the vote, which is just over 1%. Clinton has 45% of 2%, or just under 1%. It should read 1% to 1%, but that's not dramatic! That's not exciting! No, what we want to see a fierce competitive battle, with swings and come-from-behind, against-all-odds wins!

Not fair, you say, the 54%-45% is merely to show what percent of votes already cast are for whom. Okay, but that's useless information; it's not a sporting event, the only thing that matters is the percentages when all the votes are in; how they are counted makes no difference, so why create drama out of nothing? And, if that's the goal, why not count all the votes for one person first... now THAT would be drama!

With 45% of the votes counted, Obama leads leads Clinton 100% to 0%!!!

Imagine the water cooler surprise the next morning! Did you hear about Clinton's victory? She won the last 10 million votes in a row!

If showing the truth (1% to 1% just wouldn't do), let's at least have some fun with it!

See anything else? How about McCain being projected as the winner, with just 2% of the precincts reporting? Seems to me there's 20 million more votes to count, more or less, but McCain only leads by 100,000 votes.

I'm tired of (news) media deliberately misleading viewers just for the sake of drama.

In the news...

Italy's highest court of appeals rules women can lie about their infidelity. Even from the police, even under oath in a court of law! The ruling was passed down in an effort to allow dis-honorable women to maintain their honor in the face of legal investigations.

Previously, the same court ruled that women in tight jeans - by definition - can't be raped, because it would require their acceptance to remove them. After outcries by women everywhere, the court later rescinded the ruling, but said in their defense, we were talking about tight fitting, button-fly jeans!

Meanwhile, Russia's old president, Vladimir Putin, maintains that Russia's new president, Dmitry Medvedev will continue to give the West a hard time. In a similar story, US President Bush reaffirmed that he would continue to have a hard time locating Russia on a map.

Speaking of places he can't find on a map, Serbia's Prime Minister Kostunica is calling it quits after failing to get his cabinet to pick a fight with the EU over Kosovo's recent declaration of independence, a move backed by EU and America, but declared illegal by Serbia (who is in turn, backed by, you guessed it... Russia.)

The former Yugoslavia has been in a state of civil unrest ever since the dismal performance by their namesake car, the Yugo. By declaring independence, the mostly Albanian population hope to redeem themselves with the production of the Kosovolvo.

The Grand Canyon was recently flooded in an attempt to help restore the ecosystem. Perhaps they read our earlier report? Maybe someone was listening after all!

Europe is launching the stellar equivalent of a semi-truck, a space ship designed to haul up to nearly 8 tonnes of supplies to the International Space Station. It can even drive and park itself, with no human intervention, but you still have to get out and pay the meter.

Back home, despite the mortgage crisis, record oil prices, the weakest dollar in history, and new figures showing the highest number of layoffs in five years, Bush insisted the US is not in a recession. He said he hoped consumer spending would "spur job creation." I hope to wake up tomorrow looking like Angelina Jolie, but that ain't gonna happen either!

In celebrity news, comedian Bill Maher continues to whore himself out to HBO, seeking ratings, money, and fame over the chance to do some good and make a difference. Hey Bill, c'mon, you're smarter than that! Quit taking the easy road bitching about what everyone already knows and pretending to be brainwashed by the media like everyone else. Instead, why not bring to light the significant issues facing Americans today?

Such as the fact that the fall of American empire has started! With more and more Americans walking away from their inverted home loans, who owns the land/home? The bank. Who owns the bank? 'nuff said. Divide and conquer; it works for armies, computer science algorithms, and it will work on America too. Immigration from the south, foreign ownership from within, all on top of a complete collapse of the social structure because of 200 years of insular thinking, celebrity worship, and the exclusion of rational things like preservation and sustainability for abstract, meaningless concepts like money and the economy.

Look at pictures of Muncie from the 1800s and compare them to now: decline. You can do that for pretty much every city, except those bolstered by foreign money, and even there, no wealth is created; we build only to tear down, resettle, and build again. Like ants with no purpose, busily going through the motions. Most people are so out of touch with real life, they are out of balance with even the most basic of human needs.

Little wonder then, the family social structure has all but disintegrated. After so many generations of bad parents, we no longer seem to remember how to raise a family. Men refuse to pay child support and women are choosing to be uneducated, stay at home mothers because they can earn more from the government for having unprotected sex than they can from working at McDonald's. The government, admitting defeat in its public schools routinely allows for children to be home-schooled by these same uneducated parents. Like Keanu Reeves said in Ron Howard's film, "You have to have a license to drive a car or own a dog, you have to have a permit to catch a fish, but they'll let any old asshole be a father [parent]."

Meanwhile, the smartest citizens are fleeing the country like rats on a sinking ship while being replaced by our friends (perhaps smarter than us) from the south who promise to put the "Americas" back in "America." Brain drain aside, with no manufacturing base, and companies lured by billions of cheap labor working elsewhere, how can wealth be created? (I guess it doesn't matter because getting $600 each from Bush will create jobs.)

America was once alone as a (super)power, but she is about to be eclipsed- if not by technology or industry, then by the sheer volumes of people from the East, and her people are too fat, lazy, and uneducated to do a damn thing about it. (Pardon my French!) And the ones who are capable, who by some miracle haven't left, will be micro-managed by idiots who don't know the first thing about what it is they are managing. Maybe you've already noticed?

True, we are still before the rapid decline phase. Although children are routinely massacred while learning in school, we have not yet started the era of random McVey- and Madrid-style bombings, and even that will seem like a blessing when the suicide attacks start on random street corners. And in the land where anything is possible, who knows what some sick mind will dream up, only to be copied, improved, refined, and perfected by our discontented masses?

The good news is that by then, most people won't notice! Because of media conditioning, the average attention span will be little more than a goldfish. Shows like American Idol will have a presidential edition, and you will be able to bet on candidates and vote tallies while watching them 24/7 on Big Brother.

By then senseless violence mixed with misogynist sex will have permeated down to the very youngest media consumers (babies smacking moms saying, "Gimme that milk, beeotch!")... all in the name of free speech and artistic expression. Meanwhile, the government's ability to monitor every public and private communication channel for its citizens will grow, stifling free expression, but giving the illusion of having more. People will believe everything their puppet president says, despite being suffocated, face down in evidence to the contrary.

I love America, but her citizens smashed my rose-colored glasses when kicking me in the face for being different. I see my country through bloody eyes now, and though the hue is still red, the glitter has all but gone. What remains for me is to find a place in this world that will still be habitable in 50 years and move there to heal. What remains for America might be waiting on the moon, where we can build America 2.0. Still, one can't help but wonder if Douglas Adams had it right on that one too... build three ships, send the first two...

Tell me Fergie, where is the Love?

What's wrong with the world mama?
People living like aint got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?

It just ain't the same all ways have changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations dropping bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing suffering
As the youth die young
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy brother
The wars' going on but the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the love y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the love y'all?

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all people get colder
Most of us only care about money makin
Selfishness got us followin the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what the see in the cinema
Whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, we're spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under
I gotta keep my faith alive, until love is found

Cassandra out.

Getting The Austrian Town Out Of Dodge

A real photo of a real sign from a real Austrian city. The sign underneath, with the children says, "Please... not so fast!"

I'm sure they're nice people. If you think it's a fake, google it, or check here.

And so the countdown continues... < 60 days until I'm officially homeless and unemployed. One thing is for certain though, I won't be here in this town. But wherever shall I go? Whatever shall I do? And will there be a man named Rhett there when I arrive? With one option, that's actually a possibility, for once again, I might find myself in the southern charms of Georgia... stay tuned! Oh, just in case you can't get enough of the F-word, here's an educated presentation of it. Enjoy!

Passing Aural Exams

A recent show on transgendered persons told the story of one TG girl (genetic boy) who had her driver's license changed from M to F (apparently, you can just do that) and when she then later decided to change it back (as you do?) she had a hard time convincing them "she" was really a "he!" He-larious, because she was still pre-op with all original (male) equipment! Wouldn't that be a fun conversation with the DMV?

Well... I just had a similar conversation with Comcast. Seems only my male name is authorized to make changes to my account, and the CSR wanted me to put my husband on the phone to authorize me to make changes to my account. LOLLERCOPTERS! Rather than just dropping my voice and adding Clio's name, I just took the compliment and said thanks, but no thanks; he (my husband) could make all the changes from here on.

And why not a two-fer? The same thing happened while on the phone with the insurance company!

Teehee, I'm passing on the phone now! I always said I was my own wife, but apparently I am also my own husband!

I sure hope it's as easy to get the 'F' on my driver's license as it was for her! If I can get them to change to 'F' on my new birth certificate... that would be ideal, because then I know I could get the driver's license change, but more importantly, I could get my passport with an 'F'! That would enable me to live as a woman outside America without all those embarrassing border check moments!

Following Advice...

I was speaking to a very wise friend about the fact that I had no idea what I was going to do next with my life. I mean, not like in the looking for a new job kind of way- been there, done that- no, I mean as in, doing something different with my life.

She suggested that I should take the time to list my achievements, and see where I've been in order to see where I want to go. Well, since I just scanned in all of them, that wasn't so hard! Turns out, she was right. Not only did I feel better about what I have accomplished, but doing this also cleared the way for my mind to recognize new opportunities.

Funny enough, I never got an award for being a Royal Society Research Fellow, which is the one thing I'm most proud of... even more so than the Ph.D.! (Less than 1% of the population gets a Ph.D., but only ten- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 Americans got a Royal Society Research Fellowship... that's less than 1% of 1%!) But no certificate. Oh well, it's not like I won a Nobel prize or anything! I guess living in London was its own reward!

So what's the new career path? Well... I'll just remain a woman of mystery about that! :)

Busy Work (Resolution #4)

Four solid days of scanning, photographing, and copying media! Here's the tally so far:

All 328 DVDs are on disk! That's 1.8TB, if you're curious. Add to that around 78 VHS tapes (mostly of dance instruction), 18 Hi-8 tapes (mostly of dancing in ATL clubs), and a slew of cassettes. (+10GB)

This may sound funny coming from me, but I do write on paper. A lot. A whole filing cabinet's worth in just over two years, actually. Well, that cabinet is scanned too!

I've also scanned in every letter from every friend, pen-pal, and ex-g/bf! Every greeting card I've ever received too! Also have scanned diplomas, transcripts, award certificates, and photographed trophies, medals, and trinkets. (+3Gb)

I've been busy!

Basically everything I ever kept in my life. My tangible memories are reduced down to one box, with everything in it transcoded to digital form... just in case I never see it again.

Phew! But we're not done yet!!! There's still to go 13 years of academic notes and every book that has been valued enough to keep for this long. We'll tackle the notes this week, hopefully finishing by the end of next, and I'm calling in reinforcements from BSU for the books, but more on that later.

So I'm very close to having everything of importance I've ever saved or created on one disk that fits in a shirt pocket!!! Going through those memories is pretty emotional, (especially when one is not in the best of places) but it seems I was fortunate enough to save the things that mattered most from my youth. Bittersweet memories.

And I'm delighted and proud that I can take them all with me and travel lightly at the same time! :) So here's a twist on Zen... dissolving the ego while using technology to preserving it digitally, effectively reducing one's life to electrons. Hey, that's pretty compact!

Hopefully, this kind of thing will become common in the future allow us to better deal with death and the destruction of the self-identity, since it will be preserved exactly as one wants it to be.

For what more can one ask?

Today's Tally

I wake up (literally) to the leasing agent showing my home to two strange guys; right out of bed, they think I'm a girl. 1-0.

As I'm walking to the courthouse, a fella turns my way from the corner ahead. He notices me, and stops in his tracks to pay me a compliment! I flash him a smile over my shoulder as I walk by. Later, at the end of the block, I notice he's still there, now smoking a cigarette, admiring me walk away. I recognize this behavior from watching people in London; he likes what he sees. 2-0.

A car filled with high-school (I hope) girls shout things at me as I walk back from the courthouse. Only heard, "Bitch" and judging from the tone, it wasn't nice. 2-1.

A nice older gentleman waiting in the salon for his wife chats me up. 3-1.

The teller at work knows as I'm cashing my last check in my old name. 3-1-1.

The pharmacist knows, but he put down my gender as female and already treats me as such. 4-1-1.

The teller at Target calls me young lady. 5-1-1.

There was a time when the harassment from the street would ruin my day. Well, it's not 7-0, but all in all, I'd say today was a pretty good day!

Fair Weather Friend

Part of composing is writing lyrics... so here's the poem du jour. Inspired by actual events!

Fair Weather Friend
by
Clio

When I ask you for lunch, you always say,
"It depends on the weather, depends on the day."
But the food tastes the same, no need to pretend
I know you're just a fair weather friend.

Party at ten, I ask when you will come?
I'm not sure, you say, I think it might storm!
The guests are the same, the fun never ends,
When I'm with my fair weather friends.

When the day is fine when the day is right,
That's when I'll find you.
But when the going is rough and life is tough,
I won't depend on you!

Some friends are forever and some for the night,
Some we let go, and some we hold tight.
With me, you see, no need to pretend,
To me you're just a fair weather friend.

Every Day Make Progress (Resolutions #4, 6 & 7)

In my efforts to simplify, I chanced upon a spare DVD drive when purging my technology. Whoo-hoo! As I type, DrEvil (my entertainment PC) is now digitizing two DVDs at a time. No matter how long it takes to do a task, you can't help but feel a great sense of achievement when you shorten by one-half the time required.

And if that feels great, imagine taking a task was going to take an infinitely long time and reducing it to a finite time. Yeah, that feels good too. I've started scanning! What was never going to be finished (cause I hadn't made any progress on it) is now started! Random Task (my printer/scanner/fax/etc) is busy scanning in my notes from high school. Yes... notes from high school. Mostly (typewritten!) reports and such. Also in this batch are all of my college essays (dot-matrix printouts from a Vax system that doesn't exist). I never had these documents in any lasting digital format (or lost the ones I did) so it feels good to scan them in. In fact, some of them were done on a Commodore 64! It will feel better to reduce this filing cabinet of papers down to a deck of cards.

Speaking of cards... making progress on that front too. I've started writing the program that will analyze all of my poker tournaments from this year. Problem is, I didn't have the tool written back in Jan, when I started recording them. I figured it was better to save them, even if it was in a format that I'd have to deal with later. Well... the tool I eventually used (I should have used mine from the start) creates Flash movies.

So, I've written a tool (in Flash) to view these movies and find what are my strengths, weaknesses, how I can win more chips and lose less. That means writing a Flash program to view/analyze flash recordings of my games, AND getting Flash to save JPEG images. Trivial for any real programming language, but in Flash, it requires (in the simplest case) running a Web server and communicating with a PHP script (which actually does the .jpg creation and saving.) Insane! Especially since I've nearly finished the real program written in Java ( should have used that from the start).

The insanity of Flash is also why I just quit my freelance job. (I got fired from my real job for being a transsexual, but this was a client I've freelanced for a few years now.) I just couldn't work they way they work. Which is to say, I couldn't continue to build high-quality kick-ass systems - on the fly - forever in the face of constantly changing requirements. And building them in Flash (for reasons discussed above) just made it worse. When I realized they couldn't build what they want using the technologies they insist on using, I tried to tell them, but they wouldn't listen to the to the only one with the degree in software engineering! LOL! Fine, but when I realized they didn't appreciate what work I was doing, I figured it was long past time to go. Darren, I made miracles for you; I hope you see it someday... so long, and thanks for all the fish!

Happy Leap Day!

Even a shop open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week is closed for 6 hours a year!

One of our earth years (a complete orbit around the sun) does not take an exact number of days (one complete spin of the earth on its axis). It takes 365.2422 days, give or take.

The leap year was introduced by Julius Caesar in 46BC, to make the calendar tidier. The extra day every fourth year made the average year 365.25 days long. This was still about 12 minutes longer than the solar year, which you can get away with on the short term, but in 1267 a monk called Roger Bacon noticed that the calendar had slipped nine days in the 13 intervening centuries.

It then took the church until 1582 to accept that it was celebrating Easter on the wrong week. That year Pope Gregory XIII adjusted the calendar, introducing the system we go by today: every fourth year is a leap year, unless it is divisible by 100 and not by 400. This makes the year 365.2425 days, which is still a little under 26 seconds too long, but nothing to fret about. (Unless you live more than 1,000 years, and even then, it's only about 10 hours.)

As a one off, Gregory's reform also skipped the 10 days they had gained since Caesar's time, jumping from 4 to 15 October 1582. It is said that this provoked demonstrations from people demanding their stolen days back.

This gives me pause... what would happen if the Pope said that tomorrow would really be April 1st... While people might not fear the time has been subtracted from their lives (I hope), they might protest wages lost from their bank account. Since life is real and money isn't, we might not have progressed so much after all.

Gets My Goat!

I'm disgusted to even show this. In fact, I'm not... you're just going to have to click to see this photo of Afghans playing Buzkashi in Kabul.

Buzkashi... doesn't sound that offensive...

Buzkashi, or "goat dragging", is played with two teams of horsemen competing to throw a decapitated goat into a scoring circle.

Wha-wha-what?

Get these people some Polo equipment, or at least a soccer ball! Good god, throwing headless goats... as a game?

I don't get American rodeo sport events either. In fact, I don't really get men at all. This is what too much testosterone will do! An otherwise sensible human being throwing dead goats for fun.

I suppose if you're a rancher this might be a useful skill... for those times when you have to gather and burn the dead from a nearby village slain by your local Taliban... oh, did I just say that out loud?

Stating the (not-so) Obvious

Apparently, to the eyes of the 'normals' there isn't much difference between the people in the above photos. At the risk of stating the obvious, please allow me to state the obvious.

Transsexuals: These are the transgendered ladies in the left column... you would not think of them as men. They look and act like normal women, and think of themselves as women.

Transvestites and Cross-Dressers: The are the straight men in the middle column. You would think of them as dudes in a dress. They don't look or act like women, and they don't think of themselves as women. For various reasons, they just like wearing women's clothes - often with a wig. (The top one is a famous comedian, Eddie Izzard, bonus cool points if you knew that - the man's a genius!)

Drag Queens: These are the gay men in the the right column, usually provocatively dressed, and in a wig. You might think of them as women, you might not. They might look like women, but even if they don't, they act as an exaggeration of an (their) ideal woman. They don't think of themselves as women, but as gay men.

What to make of all this?

Well, since only transsexuals think of themselves as women, they are the only ones who might elect to undergo SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery) and they all take hormones. Since they consider themselves woman, if they are into men, they don't think of themselves as gay (because they're a woman...women are into men.) Most people think I'm 'straight' because I've never been with a guy, but I would consider myself more like a gay woman than a straight man.

In reality... I no longer see 'gender' as a 'requirement' (or barrier) for a soul mate. In fact, the labels 'gay' and 'straight' are meaningless to me... I'm into minds and personalities.

If all the labels confuse you, why not check out my earlier post on the Four Dimensions of Gender?

The Psychology of Parasites

We have learned so much about humans and human behavior by studying the behavior of other animals like us (and unlike us). But I wonder, what can we learn by studying the behavior (and evolutionary traits) of the single-celled life forms, bacteria, and parasitic organisms of which we ourselves are comprised?

(You did know you are a compound life form, right? What you perceive as your body is really just a complex ecosystem sustaining many different and exotic forms of life. Cool, eh?)

So I've recently read Parasite Rex, a book given to me by my dear friend Aosof from the Royal Society. He gave it to me a while ago, after he met Mr. Zimmer (it's his job to do that sort of thing), but I've only just been able to read it. Meeting him must have been some experience! This book is a eukaryote's and prokaryote's eye view of life... and it is AMAZING!

Imagine this... you are a complete "animal," yet you are too small to be see with a human's unaided eye (click the book cover). In other words, a white blood cell could kick your ass. Yet, in your world, you could be drifting along in a ocean (really just a river) and follow a cloud of urine upstream and into the body of some animal where you'd get into the kidneys and then bloodstream where you are now free to completely roam around the body until you find a new place to call home, perhaps the intestines, where you could be assured of a steady supply of food with no competition or threats.

Yeah, there's life like that. Pretty amazing little creature, eh? In his book, Carl describes this and other more exotic life forms that can actually manipulate the behaviors of their hosts! Seriously, it's a script right out of an Alien movie, except it's real life.

Some of these creatures can build hard shells around them (cysts) for when then environment gets too rough... no water, food, wrong temperature, etc. These cysts can survive for many, many years, even through unprotected space travel. Really neat!

Whether human or microscopic creature, we both have the same basic needs... to find food and shelter. So my point is... what lessons can we learn from studying creatures like that and applying their successful strategies to the macro world? We are just now using this knowledge to create better cures for diseases, but are there non-medicinal lessons to be learned as well?

Gone, But Not Forgotten

Before I was conscious, I was communicating.
I knew not what I said, but said what I knew.
Now, remnants of those converstations are being preserved,
Scanning letters from pen-pals, and some men-pals,
Like an archeologist preserving old bones.

The ebb and flow of friends, reduced to just memories.
Emma, Tuomas, Severine, M. Columbier too,
Brian, Melissa, Jana, Holly, I remember you.
Though I was just a passing shadow on your screen of life,
Your words were kept, your friendship never dies.

Sometimes we're rich, and sometimes lean, but sometime inbetween we'll meet again.

Your daily inspiration...

In death, time ceases to have meaning; all laws of physics become irrelevant.

Death is the opposite of time.

What dies? Certainly not the body; it just falls into its constituent parts of water and chemicals. That's just mere transformation, not destruction. What of the mind though?

What dies is merely the identity of the collection of parts we call a person. We enter this world naked, we leave it naked; once we understand who that someone is, death no longer bothers us. Nor does time.

Over-educated, Over-worked, Under-paid and Under-appreciated

My niece is dropping out of school at 15. My friend has two kids- neither one with any high school education. How can I assure someone that an education is important?

That may sound silly coming from me, but consider I've taken 85 courses at three different universities, excelled at nearly all of them, and yet... what do I have to show for it? I can make more money selling my body than I can selling my mind. Not that my body is all that... but that's the point!

So how can I assure someone that an education is important when my own has failed to bear fruit? How can I defend the institution I'm from when I can make more money as a whore?

If not money, then what about culture? Well, I can't relate to my family because they watch network TV sitcoms instead of reading books; education didn't help there either.

The only reason I could come up with was because an education is required to do X. But... what if 23 years later, turns out X really isn't what you want to do?

Two Kinds of Violence...

Did you realize that not all violence is created equal?

The difference between watching violence in a movie and in the news is very subtle, but very, very significant.

Consider watching, say, an explosion, or a car crash...
In a movie, the violence is fake. No one really dies.
But watch the same thing on the news, and you're watching someone die.

There's a difference, and whether or not you can feel it, there's a difference on your soul!

Consider that next time they show an event where someone (or many people) dies over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

Your daily perspective...

You are what you eat... you know this right?

In the same way that the food you consume provides the building blocks your body needs to function (grow, fight germs, heal, etc.) so too does the media you consume provide the building blocks for your mind.

Seriously.

So what's you're media diet? As an example, consider music.

A person who consumes media content rich in classical music will have a different life outlook than one with a diet rich in pop, or rock, or rap, or heavy metal, or even jazz. (I love music; I'm not making value judgments here, just making facts.)

Works for video too. A person who watches too much violence not only becomes more desensitized to it (over-exposure to anything desensitizes) but they, over time, will develop violent tendencies.

Nonsense, you say... I watched Bugs and Daffy cause (and suffer) lots of violence, and it didn't effect me! Well, that wasn't violence, that was humor. Think about it... Pulp fiction is (supposed to be) violent... Bugs Bunny is (supposed to be) funny. When the bomb blows up Mr. Coyote, his face is all blackened and his hair blown back. That's funny. If it showed his guts flying through the air and blood everywhere, that's violent. Family Guy drives this point home in a spoof where Elmer shoots Bugs. Instead of the normal "cartoon violence, " we see graphic images of Bugs writhing in pain, disemboweled, with Elmer standing over him, delivering a final neck break.

I'm uneasy about making violence funny, too. There's just too damn much of it, especially to be used as a vehicle for entertainment. Shrug. Maybe it's just a symptom.

Well, hear me now, believe me later, but it's for the same reason why brainwashing works. Constant, repeated exposure alters behavior.
Constant, repeated exposure alters behavior.
Keep that in mind next time you pan through the TV guide!

Short Attention Span Theatre

I'm a bit shocked at the quickness in which Americans tend to forget, and at the same time (and for the same reasons), concerned about this election turning into Political Pop Idol.

Possible causes?

• Too much media prevents long term retention of any of it.
• The media is hyped (and hyping) uncontrollably
• Americans are so numb, they need actually need the hype to notice/care
• Americans are so hooked on drama, they need to interject it into everyday life

Well, don't forget, you are what you eat!

Plain Jane

Today marks a significant point during my transition: today, I went out with no makeup and plain clothes and was treated like a genetic girl! Yay!!!

To put it in other terms, when I first started trying, I hardly ever passed as genetic girl (GG)... I looked like a boy in girl's clothes. That was over a decade ago.

When I'm done transitioning, I expect to always pass as a GG.

So, today, I'm somewhere between 0% and 100%. Most people now see (and treat) me as a woman, but every now and then someones sees me as a boy (but even then, they still treat me as the woman they first saw! :)

This is new! Just within the past year, I finally started passing as a GG! Before that, if I was ignored, I'd pass, but when scrutinized... no. You can imagine how happy it made me to finally pass under a closer look!

Makeup (until recently) was essential, for I have pale skin and dark hair. But, after nearly two years of laser hair removal treatments, I finally have a 24 hour shelf life!

Also, learning to do my hair helped a lot! (Thanks Judith and the girls at Cortex!)

It honestly makes me as happy to pass as GG as it did finishing my Ph.D.! (It also felt just as traumatic getting there!)

So today I'm still not as confident as I want to be... I don't bring attention to myself yet, but after today, that seems closer than ever!

Music ... Food for the Geek

I'm so excited to have just rediscovered a large library of music (250+ hours) that I have not heard for nearly 20 years! Not just any music, mind you, but music that deeply inspired my own compositional style!

Wanna hear for yourself? Okay, check out the following two links, but don't worry about the graphics or what they are, I'll explain that later... for now, just listen to the music.

• Unreal
• Second Reality

Perhaps an explanation is in order? First some context on the music. Nearly 20 years ago, while in college, I was writing music for video games. This was a significant challenge for me because I was used to composing music using MIDI sequencers and synthesizers. In video games, the computer became the instrument.

Recall that this is before .mp3s and before the comparatively huge resources computers have now... back then, most computer programs were under 1.44Mb (they fit on a floppy disk) and most computers had, if you were lucky, 1/2 Mb of RAM available for everything... the operating system, the program, and the music. A typical mp3 is six times that large!

So, making music on a PC, or making a PC make music, was tricky business! When I started we only had four 'voices' where a voice could be a sampled recording. Again, there wasn't mp3 compression back then, so the samples had to be TINY (and recorded at awful quality) or you wouldn't have enough memory to play it. When I stopped (because grad school got too hard), we had 16-track editors, but again, you didn't have much memory to work with.

That first link above? Just four voices! The second one? Eight.

But what about the video? Have you ever heard of the PC Demo scene? The idea, back then, was to show off the processing power of the mighty 386. Again, this was waaay before today's quad and dual-core Pentiums. Your mobile phone is probably faster now. Amigas were doing it for a while, and they would have parties where groups of kids (programmers) would write these elaborate presentations filled with (then) mind-blowing graphics and animations ... you know ... things never before seen on a computer? That kind of stuff. As a young college student learning advanced math, computer architecture, and assembly programming, I was instantly hooked.

You had to be clued in to find them... this was before the Web. They were mostly European-based parties. And since it was a party, attended by people who were into real-life discos, the music had to rock as well.

It was all incredibly synergistic... listening to that music, watching the computer do animation tricks I'd never seen before, while at the same time gaining the knowledge needed to understand how they were built. It was also my first exposure to Rave/Trance/Dance/Electronica music, and I didn't know what to make of it. I couldn't break it down like songs on the radio because it was mostly effect-based, but I fell in love with it. I searched out every composer in the scene, every demo, and I saved those tiny music files. It was my first data-harvesting experience.

You know I save (and organize) everything digital, right?

So now, nearly 20 years later, imagine my surprise when I realized that the same mp3 player I've been using since that time (Winamp) plays all those files! With its help, I've now taken those 400 songs and turned them into mp3s! Listening to them is like a comforting reunion with an old friend... I'm filled with the energy and joy I once had... before the gender dysphoria set in... before life got complicated.

I can't wait to see the effect that consuming all this music will have on my composing! :)

Send me an email if you want a copy! (Oh, as an example of how tiny the sound files had to be... all 4,543 songs are less than 972 MB as originals; as mp3s, they are 16 GB! That's a 16-to-1 reduction over MP3s, which are themselves 10-to-1 reductions of CD-quality audio!)

Fast food, faster buildings...

I can't keep up! You've heard me complain that all Muncie has is fast-food restaurants, right?

Tell me if this makes sense.

TacoBell builds a new building, three blocks away from their old one. They then close the old one and leave the building decrepit.

Bob Evans does the same thing, but they build their building in the parking lot and then tear town their old one.

Then another TacoBell store on the other side of town does the same thing.

This is what you get if you believe in things like "the economy" ... madness!

And, just for fun...

There is a new restaurant opened up ... on the building it says, "Authentic Mexican," and on the same sign underneath, "We sell Gyros!"

Since when did the Mediterranean become a part of Mexico?

I thank God everyday the only sushi restaurant within 50 miles of me (itself just one mile away) is also the highest quality sushi restaurant I've seen. It's the only place I eat out at in this town.

Trans... not gender! Transcoding! (Resolution #4)

Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify.” — Henry David Thoreau

Been going through a lot of old media lately, converting most of it to a common format. At this very second, there's one computer busy burning DVDs to disk (275 down, approx. 200 to go), one computer converting VHS tapes to mpg files (56 down, 18 to go), and one converting paper to jpg files. That's going to take a while. I mean, once the books are done, then there's the sheet music, and then all of the folders and papers from 10th grade through 23rd grade. (I'm not kidding!) That's the easy part... scanning the books is what I'm not looking forward to.

Fortunately, all CDs were converted long ago as was most video and photographs.

Why do this? If not just to simplify my environment and reduce entropy (dissolve it, actually), then think of space... right now what non-digital media I have occupies two bookshelves, a filing cabinet, and three boxes. I could reduce all of that down - with no loss in quality- to something the size of a deck of cards.

I don't even want to think of the work saved in moving just one more time.

It's all part of a larger plan for a happy life:

Step one, eliminate non-essential material goods. Toys, gadgets, knick-knacks, clothes, everything not needed, and everything which doesn't do something in the simplest way.

Step two, digitize personal media.

The result? Light living! It's scary at first, but is freeing at the same time.

In case you're curious, all together, everything will fit on three stackable, 1-terabyte drives, altogether about as large as a shoebox. Not bad for every photo, CD, DVD, book, notebook, VHS tape, cassette, and CD-ROM I've ever owned, ay? Still, I look forward to 10 terabytes in your pocket, or better yet, on a chip! :)

197 DVDs to go...
16 VHS tapes to go...
172 Books to go...
13 years of school notes to go...

My First Day In London; My First Protest

This day in herstory...
My first sightseeing day in London, February 15, 2003. I take the tube from the Queensbury area and alight at the Westminster exit and find myself immersed in the above... and below!

You remember the "Million Man" march on Washington? This was 5 times larger, and I unwittingly popped up from underground right in the middle of it!

My first day outside America, and already I'm an activist!

A Dream Defined (Resolution #7)

I think I got fired today because I'm transgendered. No matter, I was going to quit anyway; they weren't good people. The bad news is that I now don't have a job in Canada, making it harder to get a Visa. (That's why I hadn't quit yet.)

I guess it's no big deal cause the job I had wouldn't have supported living the lifestyle in VC I wanted, and as fate would have it, I had just prior stumbled upon an alternative path that has the potential to realize my fullest dreams there while also capitalizing on all my previous endeavors.

Moreover, it's a path which could lead toward providing a positive role model, not just for other transgendered persons, but for straight folks as well!

Curious?

• Step one: attend the last WSOP circuit event - conveniently held in the state where I live.
• Step two: play in 4 or 5 events, possibly the main event too (if things go very well).
• Step two and 1/2: win enough money to comfortably buy in the WSOP main event + Rio lodging.
• Step three: play in the WSOP final event
  
• Step three point nine: make the final table
• Step four point one: square up debts
  
• Step four point two: help out friends and family
• Step five: move to Vancouver (after staying in Atlanta for a good spell)
• Step six: compose music, write lyrics, produce music
• Step seven: finish my big ideas.
  

Don't you think a transsexual at the 2008 WSOP final table (and therefore on ESPN2 for the next year) might go a long way toward providing a positive image toward alternative genders? At the very least, it would make people think, and that couldn't be all bad!

Quotes from Blaise Pascal

Can anything be stupider than that a man has the right to kill me because he lives on the other side of a river and his ruler has a quarrel with mine, though I have not quarrelled with him?

In each action we must look beyond the action at our past, present, and future state, and at others whom it affects, and see the relations of all those things. And then we shall be very cautious.

Men are so necessarily mad, that not to be mad would amount to another form of madness.

Too much and too little wine. Give him none, he cannot find truth; give him too much, the same.

There are some who speak well and write badly. For the place and the audience warm them, and draw from their minds more than they think of without that warmth.

Human beings must be known to be loved; but Divine beings must be loved to be known.

Words differently arranged have a different meaning, and meanings differently arranged have different effects.

A trifle consoles us, for a trifle distresses us.

All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone.

All of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling.

As men are not able to fight against death, misery, ignorance, they have taken it into their heads, in order to be happy, not to think of them at all.

Desire and force between them are responsible for all our actions; desire causes our voluntary acts, force our involuntary.

Do you wish people to think well of you? Don't speak well of yourself.

Earnestness is enthusiasm tempered by reason.

Eloquence is a painting of the thoughts.

It is not good to be too free. It is not good to have everything one wants.

Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much.
Our nature consists in motion; complete rest is death.

Our soul is cast into a body, where it finds number, time, dimension. Thereupon it reasons, and calls this nature necessity, and can believe nothing else.

Since we cannot know all that there is to be known about anything, we ought to know a little about everything.

The sensitivity of men to small matters, and their indifference to great ones, indicates a strange inversion.

The supreme function of reason is to show man that some things are beyond reason.

Time heals griefs and quarrels, for we change and are no longer the same persons. Neither the offender nor the offended are any more themselves.
Blaise Pascal

Truth is so obscure in these times, and falsehood so established, that, unless we love the truth, we cannot know it.

We run carelessly to the precipice, after we have put something before us to prevent us seeing it.

I have made this letter longer than usual, only because I have not had the time to make it shorter.

Airline Rates Rise 1000%

One used to be able to fly all over Europe for one pound ($2), sometimes just 49 pence ($1). Now though it seems, Ryan air has done what it wanted to do and has moved on to stage two of it's business: ten pound ($20) flights all over Europe.

Still, it's better than the $200 I have to pay to travel around my region in the US.

(Don't believe me? Visit http://ryanair.com!

Always a traveller...

I just read my old travel diary from when I was 17 and jetting solo to France to spend some time with people I never met. Seemed like a good idea at the time (and in retrospect), but I was too American... I couldn't appreciate where I was and what I was doing, and the effect of being immersed in history and culture while at the same time, not really knowing much about it... well, the effects (along with culture shock) blew away my little mind.

I didn't get on well with my friends (they were all older and did two things: go to the beach (in Normandy) or go to the bar. Sounds ideal, but I was allergic to the Sun, and back then, very, very square. I didn't smoke, drink, or do any drugs at all, (LOL, not that you'd know it now!) and I was so young and high on life, I didn't much care to be around that kind of scene.

So, I ended up staying alone in Paris in a one-star hotel until I ran out of money, then spent a few nights at the airport until I could get a flight home on standby. I nearly got arrested for - I kid you not - playing a synthesizer (through headphones) in the restrooms! Turns out, I was stealing electricity. Who knew?

Looking back on the diary, I now realize that I'm a traveler. I mean, 15 moves in 15 years? And so I begin to look forward to the next trip. As I am (once again) on the verge of being homeless and jobless, I can't help but wonder... where to next?

You know, Eastern thought affirms that we are all travelers, and that the path of constant self-cultivation is a lonely one; yet one that we all must inevitably take if we are to derive true meaning from this existence. The only constant is change, right?

To have come so far... to have so far to go... to still be alone... will I ever cease yearning for stability and companionship? If so, will it be because I've met my soulmate, or because I've found inner peace?

And what does that make me anyway... a traveler who brings with her (in her purse) every important memory of her life? Imagine that... only the clothes on your back, yet contained on a small chip, in vivid detail, every sight, sound, thought, event, award, movie, song you've ever wanted to keep.

Is that the exemplar case of not being held down by material possessions, or is it technology-enabled self delusion, substituting material possessions with digital ones, and if so... does that matter, since it all fits in your pocket?

And what then, if such chip were lost... wouldn't that feel like losing a large part of yourself? (Yes, it would! Imagine losing everything in your home to a fire!) But... I can help to wonder, which inhibits growth more... having possessions or being without? From my experience, the things you own end up owning you... but is that because of their physical mass, or the psychological addictions they create?

My guess is that the physical mass sucks you in, weighs you down like gravity. Since I'm converting everything physical to digital over the next month, I'll keep you posted on the progress!

Not So Perfect

Since Jr. High, I've gotten the highest grade in every class I've taken except for one in high school, two at Michigan State, and two at Georgia Tech. Most people are impressed with the perfect record during my undergraduate years at Ball State, but I want to talk about the imperfect classes.

I got a 'B' in highschool for gym class my senior year. My teacher was Bill Harrell, the head coach of the Men's basketball team... you know, the one immortialized in the movie Hoosiers? He took our school to it's eighth state championship the year before and had, in my view, a disdain toward all non-basketball sports. He lowered my grade because I was doing 'dangerous dives' during our week of swimming. (We played basketball the other 20 weeks.) Although a backward, 1-1/2 sommersault 1-1/2 twists might look like a dangerous dive, I was just practicing my list of dives for the upcoming sectionals.

At Michigan State, I took a class on computer vision that thumped me hard, partly because the class required a knowledge of mathematics that at the time, was beyond majik to me. The follow-up course was more managable, but the math was still just as majikal.

That same year, I took a course on algorithmic graph theory, a real beast of a class, for it taught how to think like a generalized mathematical proof. I was more proud of not failing that class than I was of acing the others!

At Georiga Tech, my first class was one on computer language design. I hadn't yet learned to think in language grammars (word math) and that class was downright painful. The 2nd most painful class ever.

The most painful was an advanced mathematics course at Tech. After two straight weeks of not understanding even 5 minutes of any lecture, I dropped that class like Little Boy. It was an entire course on just one part of one theorem of some mathematician from the 1800s! I must have been on crack when I signed up for it initially.

So what did I learn?

>twirling hair<

Math is hard!

Saved By Simcoe (Resolution #2)

Today was another HUGE milestone day! I'm so excited, for although I am only taking one step, it is a large leap forward on my path to womanhood! Taking hormones can be viewed as just another sign of my commitment, but for me, today, it's so much more. Not only does it provide my body with 'vitamins' that I have been missing, but it brings me closer to female and further from male. I'm going to grow breasts... my body fat will redistribute... my skin will become softer... my hair will become fuller! Moreover, just being able to get a prescription for hormones has been a difficult endeavor, and I'm now indebted to the tranny who came before me through Indy. Let me explain.

While visiting my trannie friends in the SF Bay Area, they gave me enough estrogen and testosterone blockers for 2 1/2 months. (In pill form, they had since moved on to patch form and no longer needed the pills.) The original plan was to take the pills (once I got my life stable and in at least a not unsupportive environment) for a month, and if after that time I still felt like I wanted them, that I still wanted to become female, then I would continue taking them and during the second month, find a doctor who would then prescribe me the proper meds/blood tests, etc.

Well, I started on Oct. 4, 2007, just over two months ago. Unfortunately, I was turned down for even a visit by every endocrinologist around town. Turns out a transgendered person can't just go to a doctor for things sie needs, sie has to first get a psychiatric evaluation FOR TWO YEARS that says you're not insane, because, evidently, you must be insane if you want to change your gender. Oh no! :-/

I was down to my last week's worth of pills and did NOT want to interrupt my transformation, so you can imagine it was a stressful time!

Well, I stumbled across a tranny support board where someone ahead of me on the path recommended a doctor down in Indy that was 'sympathetic' to transgendered needs. Figuring that I'd at least get a referral to a shrink (who also won't accept trans visits w/o a doctor referral) I was at least happy to be making some forward progress.

Imagine my surprise, relief, and and joy when, after consulting with me for nearly an hour, he decided to prescribe hormones! Oh blessed man! He even offered to prescribe anti-depressants (cause most in my position are depressed, and if you didn't notice by earlier posts, I was, but I declined for a few reasons. Why? Well, that's another post. :)

So, I went from despair at the though of regressing, to bliss with a bone-fide prescription (with blood work tests scheduled!) all in one day! YAY!

Funny enough, it turns out, once you have the papers, you can go to Wal-Mart to get the drugs. I didn't (boycotting since 2001), but I did go to Target. It's interesting that the meds for something so exotic (changing your sex) can be gotten at places so common, even in small town America! It's because menopausal women take the estrogen, and the testosterone blockers are useful for certain kinds of prostate cancer. Who knew?

But that's how I feel... like I'm finally freeing my body from the cancer of testosterone... and she feels GREAT!

A Legal Sense of Humour (Resolution #3)

I filled all the paperwork at the courthouse today to legally change my name. YAY! This was a huge milestone!!!

Turns out, there's a lot you have to do (and a lot you have to pay!) In addition to lots of paperwork for the court, you also have to put an ad in the local paper for three weeks announcing the change, and you have to get the fact that you did so certified by the newspaper. You also have to pay the paper for the honor.

But, I did, and I strutted myself down to the paper from the courthouse in my stiletto boots and back again, and I was given a court date to appear in court.

Previously, my longest supporting friend asked me what my new birthday would be, and I didn't know what she meant. I had only just recently picked a new name!

When I got my court date, it was obvious what my new birthday would be... April 1st, 2008!

It seems life (and the court system) is not without a sense of humor!

A Great Start to a Great Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

• Resolution #1: Full time Clio; all Clio, all the time.
• Resolution #2: Doctor+Meds (to complete transition)
• Resolution #3: Make it all legal (Birth Certificate, D/L, Passport)
• Resolution #4: Digitize all media (books, DVDs, CDs, VHS tapes, audio tapes, photos, papers)
• Resolution #5: Return to composing
• Resolution #6: Progress on private programs
• Resolution #7: Final table, WSOP
• Resolution #8: Forward progress on all previous resolutions

I didn't have a date this year, and I didn't want to go hang out in a smoky bar, but I did want to do something social so I played in a small (385 people) online poker tournament. The tourney started at 10pm and ended around 3am... I know cause I won! :)

I'll use the money to practice for the WSOP.

A promising start for the new year!

xoxo,
Clio

Worst Christmas Ever

Ever!

My family has a typical Midwestern approach to dealing with problems... ignore them and hope they go away.

Now, my family has gone from not talking about the white elephant in the room to actively insisting it isn't there.

After being obviously out to them for nearly two years, they refuse to call me she, or Clio, despite me looking like I do. Thanks mom! Thanks dad! (I pity them both.)

Worst Christmas Ever!

Swimming in the Gene Desert

Just found out today that I'm sterile. I went to the sperm bank a few days ago to make what I thought would be the first of a few deposits for after I'm on estrogen and no longer producing sperm. Too late. There will be no others like me. Genetically speaking, anyway.

At first, this caused me great pain. I mean, I didn't want kids now, but I did think of having them someday. I can't tell you how many people were insensitive to this by telling me that I can still adopt... I wasn't hurting because I thought I could never be a parent! There's a difference between being a parent and having a child.)

I didn't know if mom had given up on the idea of me having kids yet, so I was worried to tell her, but figured I should nonetheless. She's been pushing hard for nearly two decades so I figured knowing they would never come would be better than a futile hope.

When I told her how upset I was about this, she told me, more or less, to not worry about it because I would have probably made a lousy parent! LOL. I mean, literally, that's what she said, but in context, I took a deeper meaning from it, and in the end, her words did help.

You see, Ego was telling me that it was a waste for me not to have kids. If you knew me, that makes sense. However, I realized how little I connect or identify with the rest of my genetic family and that any kids I might have would have a much larger gene pool than just me to draw from... meaning my kids would probably be more like the rest of the family than me. Dunno if this is true or if my genes are more likely, but in any case, this seems very plausible, and if so, it is a pretty good reason to not feel sad!

Besides, we can change the world in many ways... we can have a child, pass along our genes and our knowledge... or, we could inspire a young mind with an idea... start a company that does world good... write a book that changes the outlook of millions, and so on.

And finally, I mused on the life of a spider family I've been living with. There's no food for a spider in my house, save one time a year when there are a few little wood bugs, but nonetheless, here comes one from a previous egg. I let it be, and watch it spin its web that will only collect dust. The life of this poor spider doesn't have much point (to me), and I'm forced to consider that maybe my own life is like that.

But even if it is, and I nonetheless desire to pass on my genes... there's always cloning!

On passing...

Okay, before reading any further, let's have some fun, shall we?

I want you to watch a video of two teams playing basketball, and I want you to count the number of times the team in the white shirts pass the ball.

Easy peasy, right? Here's the link, go on! You can do it!

Remember, count the # of passes by the white team!

http://viscog.beckman.uiuc.edu/grafs/demos/15.html

+++ SPOILER ALERT! +++

How many times did the white team pass the ball?

Did you notice anything odd about the video? Did you see the gorilla waltz in the middle of the group and thump his chest before waltzing off?

For real, watch again if you missed.

If you did miss it, don't feel bad... amazing as it sounds, around 50% of people do!

In another experiment, a person standing in the lobby is approached by some stranger asking for directions. During the explanation, two men carrying a door walk right between the person and the stranger. During that time, the stranger is replaced by another completely different looking stranger. When done giving directions, the stranger asks the person if sie noticed that he's not the first person sie originally was talking to. Again, about 50% of people never notice!!!

Amazing, isn't it? Well, when I first started trying to pass (as a woman, not a basketball), I noticed a similar phenomenon. If on first glance, I appeared as a genetic girl to strangers, I tended to remain that way... it seems they expect me to be female, so they just continue assuming I am. Unless of course, they think I'm pretty, then I get scrutinized.

My Cali trannie friends have suggested that breasts are the most important trait for "presenting as female," but I've found hair to be equally important. Although both can be overcome with gloss/lipstick, heels (esp. stilettos) and earrings. Then again, you could have all of that and not pass if you walk, strut, or otherwise carry yourself like a man. Of course, if you have the legs for it, a skirt helps, but that will generally get you more attention, and thus, more scrutiny.

There will come a day soon where I'll always pass as a genetic girl, even in a swimsuit; I just gotta give the hormones time to do their majik. And when that happens, I'll look back on posts like this and go, phew! I'm glad that's over! :)

Jahiliyya - being ignorant of guidance from God

The last few days have been filled hosting for my Kuwaiti family. Yes... my Arab, Muslim family is now in the Midwest America... I felt obligated to show them a little culture while they visit the place furthest from.

If you ever read the 9/11 Commission Report (google "9/11 pdf"), it says that the roots of the fundamental Islamic movement can be traced to one man, Sayyid Qutb, sent by Egypt to study in the US during the 1940s (p.51). He was appalled by Western culture, saying we were affected by barbarism, licentiousness, and unbelief (a condition known by Muslims as jahiliyya).

This was fine until he observed that jahiliyya was spreading, not just through the Western world, but also penetrating into Islam lands, thereby posing as a direct threat to Islam and her culture, caused by Western culture.

... there's more, but 60 years later, here we are, and simplistically, that's why 'they' hate 'us'... because our culture promotes god-lessness by worshiping money and actors, we advocate freedom but lack within ourselves the restraint needed to responsibly wield it, and we are barbaric; we don't care for our citizens and in some cases, even kill them, so how can we be civil to others?

Knowing that... I was in Kuwait 20 years ago and then, it looked like a middle-eastern city. Now they tell me with all of the corporations and media, it looks like an adjunct of America. Advertisements for Western companies are now peppered through the city. Western fashion with its emphasis on sexually evocative models line the store fronts. Etc., etc.

For what it's worth...

Of course, not all Muslims feel Western culture is undesirable, which causes further friction and fragmenting because that would appear to bolster Qutb's claims! (Now because of Westernism, Islam is being attacked from without and from within!)

I'm not sure we're entirely to blame for internal affairs within the Muslim world, but looking around at my America, I don't completely disagree with Qutb. I'm an ex-pat for precisely those reasons; I too feel the American people have lost their way. To me, it's self-evident in our apathy, obesity rates, drug use, materialism-as-substitute-for-love, and anger management issues.

Although I don't hate America for her decadence, it does cause me to blush.

Hello

We knew all along you can't keep a good girl down... but she's beginning to see the light!


And so the growth upward begins, not yet in favorable conditions, but with the knowledge that even in the worst... we always look for the best.

HRT starts today! (self-medicating)

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