Milestones and Millstones

Yesterday passed a major landmark... went out into the world wearing just a mini-skirt and spaghetti-strap cami, minimal makeup... and passed! Even had a guy try to pick me up!

That the fella wanted digits wasn't the big deal though, rather it was passing in such a revealing outfit. In effect, the body becomes the clothing... there's nothing to hide behind... no long skirts or capri pants to hide boy-shaped legs, no scoop necks with gathers to hide teenage-girl breasts, and no delicate sleeves to disguise boy-shaped shoulders.

She scrutinizes in the mirror... what she previously disliked about her legs has been replaced with what she desired. Where there was once insecurity over her breasts has been replaced with confidence and hope. What she previously disliked about the shoulders has suddenly turned into an asset. Standing before her in the mirror was a fit, athletic, woman's body!

And thus, Clio enters a new phase in the transition... situational body passing. In the beginning, there was just situational outfit passing, wearing a hat, coat, skirt and boots on the streets of London and passing- so long as there was no stopping, no talking, no interacting. Then the same from afar and upclose... ubiquitous outfit passing... if the outfits where carefully chosen and the timing was perfect. More progress, and today... situational body passing. I sat at a sushi bar as exposed as I ever was, and passed completely!

One step closer to ubiquitous body passing, and thus, finally living as a woman, with the inside matching the outside. It was a good day!

But it was also a harsh day. A friend told me (yelled at me, really) that I don't know what is love or a friend. I didn't appreciated getting kicked while down, but just like astronomers can detect unknown objects by observing their effect on the surrounding universe, I put her theory to the test. Was it even plausibly true?

Sadly, and with great cosmic irony, she might be right. It would explain a lot simply, but I rather think my lot might have more subtle interactions... a cause for this symptomatic similarity that has not been set right. Dunno.

Friends... how many of us have them?
Friends... ones we can depend on?
Friends... how many of us have them?
Friends... before we go any further, let's be friends!

Friends, a word we use everyday.
Most the time we use it in the wrong way.
Now you can look the word up again and again,
But the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of friend.

And if you ask me you know I couldn't be much help.
A friend's somebody you judge for yourself.
Some are okay and they treat you real cool,
And some mistake kindness for being a fool.

We like to be with some because they're funny,
Others come around when they need some money.
Some we grew up with around the way,
And you're still real close to this very day.

Homeboys through the summer, winter, spring and fall,
And then there's some you wish you never knew at all.
This list goes on, again and again,
but these are the people that we call friends.
- Whodini

I can still recall from memory those words learned when I was just eleven. But why? And why now do they come gushing to the surface?

Are these words meant to heal the wound, that gash in my fragile sanity? Or are they meant to be released forever into the cosmos and out of my system? Or both?

Still... what is a friend?

Another friend told me once that friends are supportive, not judgemental. Encouraging you to be/do what you want, even if they don't agree, and still being there for support if it all goes pear shaped. At the time, this seemed a mature, reasonable definition of friend. I assumed it was true of real friendship.

Then again, some friends aren't very supportive at all when we deviate from their expected norms. Do we call their dropping of support "character"?

What kind of character would we expect in someone who was always supportive? Do we sometimes need anti-support... to be told what is right?

It's no surprise after feeling so alien in my body for all the years to find myself feeling so alien from the human species now... but if there's hope for one, why not the other?