A Great Start to a Great Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

• Resolution #1: Full time Clio; all Clio, all the time.
• Resolution #2: Doctor+Meds (to complete transition)
• Resolution #3: Make it all legal (Birth Certificate, D/L, Passport)
• Resolution #4: Digitize all media (books, DVDs, CDs, VHS tapes, audio tapes, photos, papers)
• Resolution #5: Return to composing
• Resolution #6: Progress on private programs
• Resolution #7: Final table, WSOP
• Resolution #8: Forward progress on all previous resolutions

I didn't have a date this year, and I didn't want to go hang out in a smoky bar, but I did want to do something social so I played in a small (385 people) online poker tournament. The tourney started at 10pm and ended around 3am... I know cause I won! :)

I'll use the money to practice for the WSOP.

A promising start for the new year!

xoxo,
Clio

Worst Christmas Ever

Ever!

My family has a typical Midwestern approach to dealing with problems... ignore them and hope they go away.

Now, my family has gone from not talking about the white elephant in the room to actively insisting it isn't there.

After being obviously out to them for nearly two years, they refuse to call me she, or Clio, despite me looking like I do. Thanks mom! Thanks dad! (I pity them both.)

Worst Christmas Ever!

Swimming in the Gene Desert

Just found out today that I'm sterile. I went to the sperm bank a few days ago to make what I thought would be the first of a few deposits for after I'm on estrogen and no longer producing sperm. Too late. There will be no others like me. Genetically speaking, anyway.

At first, this caused me great pain. I mean, I didn't want kids now, but I did think of having them someday. I can't tell you how many people were insensitive to this by telling me that I can still adopt... I wasn't hurting because I thought I could never be a parent! There's a difference between being a parent and having a child.)

I didn't know if mom had given up on the idea of me having kids yet, so I was worried to tell her, but figured I should nonetheless. She's been pushing hard for nearly two decades so I figured knowing they would never come would be better than a futile hope.

When I told her how upset I was about this, she told me, more or less, to not worry about it because I would have probably made a lousy parent! LOL. I mean, literally, that's what she said, but in context, I took a deeper meaning from it, and in the end, her words did help.

You see, Ego was telling me that it was a waste for me not to have kids. If you knew me, that makes sense. However, I realized how little I connect or identify with the rest of my genetic family and that any kids I might have would have a much larger gene pool than just me to draw from... meaning my kids would probably be more like the rest of the family than me. Dunno if this is true or if my genes are more likely, but in any case, this seems very plausible, and if so, it is a pretty good reason to not feel sad!

Besides, we can change the world in many ways... we can have a child, pass along our genes and our knowledge... or, we could inspire a young mind with an idea... start a company that does world good... write a book that changes the outlook of millions, and so on.

And finally, I mused on the life of a spider family I've been living with. There's no food for a spider in my house, save one time a year when there are a few little wood bugs, but nonetheless, here comes one from a previous egg. I let it be, and watch it spin its web that will only collect dust. The life of this poor spider doesn't have much point (to me), and I'm forced to consider that maybe my own life is like that.

But even if it is, and I nonetheless desire to pass on my genes... there's always cloning!

On passing...

Okay, before reading any further, let's have some fun, shall we?

I want you to watch a video of two teams playing basketball, and I want you to count the number of times the team in the white shirts pass the ball.

Easy peasy, right? Here's the link, go on! You can do it!

Remember, count the # of passes by the white team!

http://viscog.beckman.uiuc.edu/grafs/demos/15.html

+++ SPOILER ALERT! +++

How many times did the white team pass the ball?

Did you notice anything odd about the video? Did you see the gorilla waltz in the middle of the group and thump his chest before waltzing off?

For real, watch again if you missed.

If you did miss it, don't feel bad... amazing as it sounds, around 50% of people do!

In another experiment, a person standing in the lobby is approached by some stranger asking for directions. During the explanation, two men carrying a door walk right between the person and the stranger. During that time, the stranger is replaced by another completely different looking stranger. When done giving directions, the stranger asks the person if sie noticed that he's not the first person sie originally was talking to. Again, about 50% of people never notice!!!

Amazing, isn't it? Well, when I first started trying to pass (as a woman, not a basketball), I noticed a similar phenomenon. If on first glance, I appeared as a genetic girl to strangers, I tended to remain that way... it seems they expect me to be female, so they just continue assuming I am. Unless of course, they think I'm pretty, then I get scrutinized.

My Cali trannie friends have suggested that breasts are the most important trait for "presenting as female," but I've found hair to be equally important. Although both can be overcome with gloss/lipstick, heels (esp. stilettos) and earrings. Then again, you could have all of that and not pass if you walk, strut, or otherwise carry yourself like a man. Of course, if you have the legs for it, a skirt helps, but that will generally get you more attention, and thus, more scrutiny.

There will come a day soon where I'll always pass as a genetic girl, even in a swimsuit; I just gotta give the hormones time to do their majik. And when that happens, I'll look back on posts like this and go, phew! I'm glad that's over! :)

Jahiliyya - being ignorant of guidance from God

The last few days have been filled hosting for my Kuwaiti family. Yes... my Arab, Muslim family is now in the Midwest America... I felt obligated to show them a little culture while they visit the place furthest from.

If you ever read the 9/11 Commission Report (google "9/11 pdf"), it says that the roots of the fundamental Islamic movement can be traced to one man, Sayyid Qutb, sent by Egypt to study in the US during the 1940s (p.51). He was appalled by Western culture, saying we were affected by barbarism, licentiousness, and unbelief (a condition known by Muslims as jahiliyya).

This was fine until he observed that jahiliyya was spreading, not just through the Western world, but also penetrating into Islam lands, thereby posing as a direct threat to Islam and her culture, caused by Western culture.

... there's more, but 60 years later, here we are, and simplistically, that's why 'they' hate 'us'... because our culture promotes god-lessness by worshiping money and actors, we advocate freedom but lack within ourselves the restraint needed to responsibly wield it, and we are barbaric; we don't care for our citizens and in some cases, even kill them, so how can we be civil to others?

Knowing that... I was in Kuwait 20 years ago and then, it looked like a middle-eastern city. Now they tell me with all of the corporations and media, it looks like an adjunct of America. Advertisements for Western companies are now peppered through the city. Western fashion with its emphasis on sexually evocative models line the store fronts. Etc., etc.

For what it's worth...

Of course, not all Muslims feel Western culture is undesirable, which causes further friction and fragmenting because that would appear to bolster Qutb's claims! (Now because of Westernism, Islam is being attacked from without and from within!)

I'm not sure we're entirely to blame for internal affairs within the Muslim world, but looking around at my America, I don't completely disagree with Qutb. I'm an ex-pat for precisely those reasons; I too feel the American people have lost their way. To me, it's self-evident in our apathy, obesity rates, drug use, materialism-as-substitute-for-love, and anger management issues.

Although I don't hate America for her decadence, it does cause me to blush.

Hello

We knew all along you can't keep a good girl down... but she's beginning to see the light!


And so the growth upward begins, not yet in favorable conditions, but with the knowledge that even in the worst... we always look for the best.

HRT starts today! (self-medicating)

This post intentionally left non-blank.

This post intentionally left blank, except for this sentence.

The post on which this statement has been entered has been intentionally left such that this statement is the only statement entered on it.

This post intentionally left blank.

Goodbye

Reluctantly, and for health reasons, my consciousness has decided to implement an isolationist policy regarding my current circle of 'friends'. I am worn out from striving to be there and be helpful for my friends and, in return, always feeling let down and alone when I need help. In short, I'm fed up with being used, abused, and neglected. It all ends today. No more free information, no more free help, no more favors, no more meditation/prayers for them, no more no more.

We've officially hit bottom.

Signing off

A Pointless Debate...

I don't suffer fools well. I'm not sure if this is a virtue or a vice, but people must think me an opinionated, egotistical arse because of it.

Recently, I poo-pooed a slick-looking, HD-quality YouTube (oh sorry, GoogleTube) video of someone saying that Humans are not causing climate change. I was accused of having a closed, unenlightened mind because I refused to watch an hour+ long video on the grounds that I knew it was based on a scientifically invalid premise, yet it considered itself 'science'.

Here's some raw numbers in order to gain a perspective and to understand why I appear to be so dismissive.

But first, the summary.

=============================================
1- CO2 warms the planet
2- humans produced more CO2 in 50 years than found in the atmosphere over 400,000 years
3- humans are reducing plankton blooms, which 'eat' CO2
4- humans are reducing forests, which 'eat' CO2
=============================================

Humans are not only causing climate change but reducing the Earth's ability to self-regulate!!! Now comes the numbers and refs.

---

**Fact #1: CO2 is a greenhouse gas. Uncontroversially, the more of it there is in the atmosphere, the warmer the Earth gets [1].

**Fact #2: There is around 750 billion tons of carbon in the atmosphere with 800 billion tons dissolved in the oceans [2].

**Fact #3: The US alone has been putting 5 billion tons of carbon in the atmosphere every year since 1990 [3]. That's 50 billion tons per decades, and I remind you, that this is long after America's peak industrial output. Looking at the rest of the world nations, the total annual output has gone from 10 billion tons (1960) to 25 billion tons (2000) PER YEAR [4]!

Very conservatively, that's 600 billions tons of CO2 produced in the past 50 years!!! Did you ever wonder why ice cores show we're at the highest concentrations of CO2 in the past 400,000 years [5]???

Now I'd be inclined to believe that despite this HUMAN influence, NATURE might self-balance, but HUMANS are also destroying the capability of NATURE to do this!

**Fact #4: Plankton convert CO2 from the air into Oxygen (supplying around 50% of the Oxygen in the atmosphere) while storing the CO2 in the ocean, but HUMANS are reducing this effect by destroying the ocean ecosystem by polluting the ocean with chemicals and by damming rivers which reduce sediment flow to the ocean. (Land sediment and the minerals in them are responsible for plankton blooms - it's what they 'eat'. Damn up the rivers, block the source of food for the bottom of the food chain [6] To put pesticides (things that kill living things) in the sediment is to put them in the base of the food chain.

While this seriously threatens our food supply, it is only one way human are causing/inducing/accelerating climate change by reducing the effect of the Earth to stabilize itself.

**Fact #5: Forests also convert C02 into Oxygen, the other major source of Oxygen in our atmosphere. HUMANS are reducing this natural conversion - causing a buildup of CO2 - by destroying forests. (For more forest facts, see [7] and [8])

---

You can come to your own conclusions, but don't think I have a closed mind simply because I won't entertain YouTube/Google videos of professor/skeptics saying that humans are not affecting the environment.

---

References:
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8]

A Tale Of Two Tutus

In Nigeria, a group of men were arrested for dressing as Women. At first, they were charged with Sodomy, which carries a punishment of death. Yes, death... by stoning! Fortunately, that charge also requires four witnesses, so instead, they have been since been charged with "indecent dressing" and vagrancy. Vagrancy? Vaginacy, maybe...

Two weeks ago they were arrested. Only 5 of the 18 men could pay bail; the other 13 are still in jail.

In Uganda, being gay (which isn't the same as cross-dressing, btw, but try telling them a guy in a dress isn't gay) could get you life in prison.

However, in a bold display of juxtapositionalism, Sydney Australia seems to be okay with US Men In Tutus. And thus the phrase, "Toss another one on the Barbie," acquires a whole new meaning.

Your daily perspective...

1861 to 1865 - 600,000 people die (Americans kill Americans in civil war)

1929 to 1933 - 6,000,000 to 11,000,000 people die (Stalin ethnic cleanses)

August 6th, 1945 - 140,000 people die (American President Truman bombs Hiroshima)

August 9th, 1945 - 75,000 people die (Truman bombs Nagasaki)

(Holocaust deaths: 9,000,000 people)
(WWII deaths: 72,000,000 people, 47,000,000 civilians)

September 11, 2001 - 3,000 people die (Al-Qadea attacks New York)

December 26, 2004 - 225,000 people die (Indian Ocean earthquake)

... but which event gets/has the most press? Which is most important to you?

A Modest Proposal

A very, very, slick electric motor-driven car.

However, I wonder... from a physics standpoint... whether a car is gas or electric driven, it still must perform the same amount of work (W = F*d), right? So, if society driving too much (consuming too much energy) is the problem... would this be a solution, or a device that would keep people mired in their love affairs with driving by hiding the source of the energy? (E.g., burning fossil fuels to make electricity.)

I don't know if we fully understand yet all the implications of Ford's invention.

I do know that if everyone switched to electric cars, electricity costs would go through the roof; most companies already have brown outs in summer... can you imagine what the load would be with 2.4 cars per household charging up?

Hmm... biofuels make food more expensive, batteries make utilities more expensive... I know, let's make cars run on water! Yeah, let's grow food and water for machines while 1/3 of our population starves! Ah, if Jonathan Swift were alive today, instead of eating children, we'd be feeding them to our cars!

Your daily perspective...

I'm thankful for power and water NOT being the kind of election issue that it is in Sierra Leone.

Election business not all man business indeed!

Why I Won't Vote For President

Y'all can vote for bigots... I won't.

Human Rights Campaign (HRC), a leading US gay rights advocacy group, has just had a political debate on gay issues (broadcast on Logo).

Not one republican even responded!

Don't feel smug, democrats, all the front runners, including Clinton, Obama, and Edwards still believe that they are somehow better than gays by refusing to acknowledge gay marriage. If blacks or Mexicans were denied marriage rights, it would be a racism issue, but evidently, it's okay to be bigoted toward gays. (Yeah, I know, it's better than being put to death over being gay.)

You don't have to be gay to see the bigotry! It's a tiny step to go from thinking gay people don't deserve the same as you to thinking that anyone different from you is inferior - and claiming that God says gays can't be married is bigoted behavior justified by an irrational belief ... religion is not about intolerance!

Mark my words... "Separate but equal" legislation for gays will only be followed by similar legislation for blacks, immigrants, women, and any minority deemed a threat.

Now then, if a political candidate feels that way about their own constituents, how I can trust them to behave as a leader when it comes to international issues? If they can treat gays differently then themselves, it would be foolish for me to think they consider, Jews or Muslims for example, equals. It would be foolish of me to think that they in fact have the best interests - deep down - of anyone (minority or not) over their own. Full stop.

Deconstructing Gwen

Gwen Hughes is an angelic Diva that I am honored to call my friend. While I am merely internationally ignored, she is internationally renown for her performances and songwriting. Yeah, she's that good! If you want to hear for yourself, why not take a moment to check out her Electronic Press Kit?

She's humored my pesterings of musical questions and nurtured my ambition to produce a new, modern-Euro sound for her music in the past, but now she's gone one further... actually collaborating with me on two new songs of hers!

Now Gwen and I are two very different musicians (if I can even call myself that). We often talk at great lengths about how different our worlds are. True, I have modest keyboarding and music-producing abilities, but this woman sings and plays piano for a living... a real professional.

So I eagerly accept the opportunity to "re-produce" or "re-mix" one or two of her songs... but can I do it???

Well, I found it quite amusing that path I had to walk to be able to absorb her music, and so I created this post... let it bear witness to the genius that is Gwen.

Input

Two mp3s arrive in my mailbox. I eagerly listen to them. On first glance, they seem like complete songs... drums/bass/keys/vocals (all done by her). I play along with them, figuring out the chords (more or less) as the songs play and I think, "yeah, I can do this."

Now I should spend a moment discussing the ways one can go about re-mastering a song. The first method, identical to the way a DJ would re-mix a song off the radio, is to use the song itself as the building blocks to create a different song. The entails sampling the song into lots of little bits, which itself might require some audio processing.

For example, let's say I want to use a bit of the song as a base for a new song, but the part I want to use has vocals on it that I don't want. Well, you can consider a song to be like a layer cake: at the bottom layer (the lower frequencies) is the bass, and other instruments are found occupying higher layers. (Drums, especially hi-hits and snares, comprise the highest frequencies.) By using audio processing techniques, I can "cut out" instruments (even voice) from the original recording!

But, due to the fact that sound "leaks" between the layers (as harmonics) the end result isn't as nice as if I had started with clean recordings of each individual instrument.

Add to the fact that I'm serious... I want to create a 24-bit, 44.8KHz recording... and that I'm starting with a .mp3 (which is already lossy) and you'll soon see that any end result I do would have to again be redone with higher-quality source material.

It's not like me to do something 1/2-way.

The second approach, also widely used, is simply to re-create the song first, using local instruments, so that one can start with high-quality recordings. A bonus of this approach is that if done properly, one gets more than just a recording... one gets a capture of the creation process that can be edited (say, changing a note, or a trumpet to a sax)!

I knew before Gwen ever sent me anything that I would want to use the latter approach. Why? Because I'm a musician... I feel like I have a larger expression with MIDI data than I do with MP3 data. Besides, if I'm going to help write a song, I think it's reasonable to assume that I could play the song.

The Devil's in the Details

But with Gwen... that turned out to be a much larger problem! See, Gwen is a professional jazz musician... her stuff is a bit more complex than the usual drivel that I was used to on the radio. (Even the "sophisticated" stuff I listened to is pretty simple by comparison to jazz.)

While I could play along with her songs, I was a LONG way from being able to reproduce what she sent. I could add to it, but not create from scratch. No matter how hard I tried to hear what was going on, it was stuff I had never heard or seen before and I was stymied.

I knew however, that if I just watched her play the song once, I would be able to reproduce it. God has blessed me with that skill. So, frustrated, I called her and asked for the chord charts. This would at least verify that my chord guesses were correct.

Well, after busting my chops (rightly so) for not putting more time into learning the song, she sent me the charts. (Thanks!) I now owned a few pages of symbols that, when presented to a musician might actually "sound" like a song- but in my hands, were just stark reminders of how much I was not a jazz musician. Armed with a map to the song, I began my quest.

Creating Audio Samples

The first step was to take her mp3 and break it down structurally in a way that it would be represented on a chord chart. To do this, I loaded the song into CoolEdit and meticulously set markers corresponding to the start of key measures in the song.

The next step was to get my recording studio setup. For this part of the song, I needed a mixer, drum machine, and samplers for the bass, piano, and strings. That was the easy part, harder is programming the instruments!

I started with drums. The song only has a basic 16-beat drum pattern looped, so I figured that would be a good place to start. Using the samples I just created, I figured out the beats per minute (113) and set up my recorder to loop over the first 16 beats while simultaneously playing the first 16 beats of her song. I listened to that drum pattern over and over on a loop until I could anticipate each beat. Once I could play the drum pattern, I programmed the drum machine and took a deep breath in preparation of doing the same thing with the bass and piano.

Normally, I can pretty much play along with a song on first hearing, but *replicating* a song is completely different. "Anal-retentive" attention to detail comes to mind. I won't say how many times I had to listen to just the first bar of the bass+piano, but a few hours later, I had something close!

However, this was just "replicating" ... this wasn't "playing." With heavy rhythmic devices like drums and bass, this is okay, maybe even preferred, but with other instruments, the result sounds ... mechanical. So, I quantized the bass (forced the notes to align on specific beats) and armed with the chordal structure as well as a close approximation of exactly what notes were being played, I put the the drums and bass on a loop and tried to "feel" the song. In other words, I had to "figure out" the unconscious little motions that Gwen used to make her music. (This is why it's easier to do if you can actually watch someone do it!)

Now, I won't say I replicated exactly her fingers, but it's really close. If anything, I have a tendency to "hear" more than what is actually there, so my recording might be a bit "heavy-handed" compared to her delicate fingerings. That's okay; now that I have the notes in MIDI format, I can delete (or edit) them later if needed.

And so, after a total of around 8 hours of work, I've replicated about 25 seconds of the song!

Recall that the point of doing all of this isn't to replicate the song, but to START from that point. So, I'm looking at more hours of tedious work before I can actually start to be creative and start contributing to the song.

Well... no one said it would be easy! Of course, I'm sure for some people, it is!

If you're curious... here's Gwen's original recording and then my version. The instruments might sound different (easily changed) and the volumes might be different (easily changed) but the notes and rhythms should be there. And, even if they are a little off, I can change them too without having to re-record. I love making music ... well, I will when I actually get to make it! :)

A Jung Woman...

I recently had a conversation with a close friend about Jungian archetypes. It went something like this:

Him: Have you considered which of the 13 archetypes you are?
Me: Uh... I guess I would have to learn more about them first.

So, we chatted, and after he left, I refreshed my college Jungian psychology. Here's a Wikipedia link as good as any other I found: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archetypal. No doubt you'll recognize aspects of yourself in these 13 archetypes!

What I found particularly interesting (and just plain news to me) were the Anima and Animus archetypes. Now, prior to discovering them, I would have primarily identified with the "Wise" part of "Wise old man." That is... I seem to be able to do things with knowledge that others can't... perhaps even change reality... yet I never identified with the "old" and certainly not the "man" part. And I've since met people who seem to innately know more "useful" things (i.e., wisdom gained from life experiences) while I seem to have more skilled learning suited more to abstract problems and machines rather than human behaviors. Question to self: should I try to adapt that ability to learn skills to the realm of human behavior?

Shrug. Back to roles... I never played Role Playing Games (RPGs) before, so I'm not really sure which archetype I'd be. My only two guesses would have come from times where I would have identified with the Merlin role, or the Warrior Princess role. Aye-yia-yia-yia-yia!

Then along comes Anima. Okay, I certainly seem to be embodying the totality of what little I know about Anima - the feminine inner personality, as present in the unconscious of the male. My Anima has a name, I am she, and she is me, and we are Clio.

And then I find this page on Jung's Anima Theory and how It Relates to Crossdressing. Note: I am not a crossdresser, although empirically, I crossdress. The author, a (former) crossdresser merges traditional transgendered case study results with Jung's theories in a plausible and constructive style.

So it seems I have come home to open up (and heal) old psychological wounds prohibiting me from realizing my full potential. This much is obvious by fate, and I have accepted and learned from it. Now what?

Well, I am happier as a woman, yet I am not a woman. I am miserable as a man, yet I made a good one. As I will never be biologically female again (we all were once women in the womb) I have to come to terms with being somewhere in the middle... but where?

If you've ever lived (as opposed to visited) in a foreign culture, you are familiar with culture shock - that uneasy feeling that comes from being immersed in a different culture. It's like jet-lag, but for culture instead of time. It occurs each time one switches culture, just like jet-lag when switching time zones.

Well, gender dysphoria is like that too... I used to think I could get by living as the duality:

In number 69 there lives a transvestite,
He's a man by day, but she's a woman at night.
- Space, "My Neighborhood"

but the "gender-lag" from switching is ... uncomfortable. Further, it just feels 'weird' to be the male that my body is. It feels right to be the woman that is the embodiment of my Anima, and I prefer to be her... this much is certain... but who knew she was a, pardon my French, a chick-with-a-dick?

So what does integration bring? I don't know what one does yet with this knowledge, so for now, I'll just take comfort in knowing that I am what I am.

4 Dimensions of Gender

Wow, it has been a while. I've gone and missed my own anniversary! Maybe my friends will cut me some slack next time I'm a day late with the birthday card? LOL. Probably not! :)

If you've read with me for this long, I think it's finally time to post the first half of my thesis on gender. Sounds boring... isn't. Guaranteed to open your mind or your money back!

The pitch:

Most people see the people in the world as "gay" or "straight," based on what's between their legs and who's legs they like to get in between. This is overly simplistic and is a cause for much misunderstanding. In reality, there are (at least) four dimensions that make up a person's "gender" and this essay aims to unambiguously identify them and create a gender map based on these divisions.

http://prettygetter.tv/blog/4DoG.pdf


Hope you enjoy, please let me know your thoughts!

I've dated a ...

A funny little list I made while bored on a recent plane trip... it's part of a much larger list that, when presented here, could only look like the work of a self-obsessed megalomaniac. In reality, it was part of a deep, introspective quest, and I was just reminiscing over fond times with those I've loved.

I've Dated A ...

• By Career
• Beautician
• Chef
• Gypsie
• Dancer
• Psychologist
• Single Mom
• Writer/Editor
• Stripper
• Professor
• Musician/Singer
• Equestrian
• Girl Next Door
• Boy Next Door
  
• By Faith
• Christian
• Catholic
• Atheist
• Jew
• Pagan
• Muslim
• By Nationality
• American
• Korean
• Chinese
  
• British
• Italian
• Turkish

But to quote Bono... I still haven't found what I'm looking for (or what's looking for me), so, if your country/religion/profession isn't listed, feel free to ask me out... Sushi is an excellent first date! :) )

Biofuel Bandaids for Gunshot Wounds

Many of my friends think that I am against bio-fuels because I never say anything positive about them. Typically, when some unsuspecting soul tells me how great it is that Indiana is getting a resurgence from Bush's bio-fuel push, I start down the path of the Earth and Us being a closed environment, just like goldfish in a bowl, with limited Earth resources, and here I'm talking about the nutrients found in our soil that grows plants that feeds Us and everything we eat (except of course, sea-food, but don't get me started on what we're doing to the marine ecology).

I then wonder out loud if it could be considered, morally speaking, a good idea to grow corn for machines when we have two billion people on this planet starving.

Never mind that, I then wonder out loud if it could be considered, logically speaking, a good idea to grow corn for anything other than living creatures. Shrug. Just don't make sense to me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great that we might be able to process food-waste as fuel for machines and I think it's great that bio-engines emit less pollution, blah-blah-blah. I don't disagree with any of the positive aspects of bio-industry!

My issue with bio-fuels is that they are not addressing the problem. The problem is not that we need an alternative fuel source, but rather that we are over-consuming. We are treating the symptoms while ignoring the disease! To me then, the use of bio-fuels is a bandage to terminal wound, and one that makes the cut deeper at the same time.

We are over-consuming and we are wasting energy at a shameful rate; but we need not be ignorant... it is by first being conscious of the fact that we need to reduce that we can finally start to reduce! (Talk the talk, walk the walk!)

It's not so hard... the easiest way to reduce is simply not to waste in the first place.

Waste not, want not...

Wicked Little Town

Most people have never heard of the movie, "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." This is unfortunate for many reasons. First, it's a great movie, evolving from a ground-breaking NY play. Second, it touches on (in a positive and uplifting (but not cheesy) way) some very complex themes that are of significance to those outside the transgender community. Finally, the soundtrack was written by one of the best songwriter/composers since Cole Porter- Stephen Trask. The man is pure genius.

On of the songs, Wicked Little Town, is really two different versions of the same song. The first part is sung by Hedwig, and is a soothing poem to her masculine half, here represented by the androgynous Tommy Gnosis, and the second part is a response from Tommy to the feminine side represented by Hedwig.

As I said, the movie has complex themes... the soundtrack is more so. (And I haven't yet talked about the song written based on Plato's Dialogs!)

Anyway, this song faithfully represents to me both halves of myself struggling to make sense of it all, and of my experiences in Muncie (and around the world).

First, Hedwig's version to the young boy she loves who is in the same situation she was in when she was a young boy, and, the situation I find myself in now.

You know, the sun is in your eyes
And hurricanes and rains
And black and cloudy skies

You're running up and down that hill
You turn it on and off at will
There's nothing here to thrill or bring you down
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

Oh Lady Luck has lead you here
And they're so twisted up
They'll twist you up, I fear

The pious, hateful, and devout
You're turning tricks 'til you're turned out
The wind so cold it burns
You're burning out and blowing 'round
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

The fates are vicious and they're cruel
You learn too late you've used
Two wishes
Like a fool

And then you're someone you are not
And Junction City ain't the spot
Remember Mrs. Lot and when she turned around
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

And then we have Tommy's reply, also a painful realization of my present condition:

Forgive me,
For I did not know.
'Cause I was just a boy
And you were so much more

Than any god could ever plan,
More than a woman or a man.
And now I understand how much I took from you:
That, when everything starts breaking down,
You take the pieces off the ground
And show this wicked town
something beautiful and new.

You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
that can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
you've been through
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

So when you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town.
Oh it's a wicked, little town.
Goodbye, wicked little town.

Musically, the song is not like anything on the radio. Check out the chord progression on the chorus: G7/D, C, Cm, G, G7, C, Cm, G. The Beatles used to experiment with chord progressions going from major to minor of the same chord, but you just don't hear that kind of stuff anymore. Throw in some arpeggiated bass lines with right hand quarters and you've got an idea.

I'm trying to sing and play this song but am having difficulties because of the interplay of rhythmic patterns throughout the voice and right and left hands. Let alone the fact that I don't know how to sing with any known technique! But I'm trying. The song is so beautiful and the effect is so strong when I've only just barely played it, I can't wait until it's second nature and I can simply emote the song instead of actually trying to play it.

By the way, if you watch the movie, don't confuse how a transsexual looks in everyday life versus how she looks on stage... it is after all, a movie about an eastern European punk-rock band! We don't always wear metallic eye-makeup with sculpted blush! (Well, okay, we do, but there are the in-between moments when we are washing it off!) :)

Earl Gets His Freak On

From the latest episode of "My Name Is Earl." Despite often laughing at people, this show does a pretty good job of showing people a better way to live. Personally, I was impressed at how the bearded lady came to accept who she was, but more than that, how she was compassionate to Earl not understanding what it was like to be treated as a freak.

To quote, "If we leave here, people gawk at us... I don't expect you to understand... You don't know what it's like to have strangers pointing and laughing at you because of the way you look..."

Hmm... did I say that earlier or am I confusing a previous post with this week's episode? Surreal is the word for 2007, pass it on.

The natural reaction to most people treating you like a freak, once you come to terms with the fact that you aren't (anymore than anyone else, usually less so) is to want to tell the world to go procreate with itself, but that doesn't get one very far, and, if you're a tranny, it's likely to get you killed.

So how does one cope? Hiding? Well, if you can master your immediate environment, that can be a very attractive option, but ultimately, one that is infeasible. Ignoring? You can't. Putting on a show? I've seen many 'freaks' do this to great effect, but I've become too shy for now to make that happen.

You know the funny thing? Given the chance, I wouldn't change who I am. By living with respect and accountability, I live with no regrets, and I would not sacrifice the being I am today for something different... I would however take a crowbar to a few billion heads on this planet and use it to open up their minds.

The real question is ... how to do that?

Snow Job Blows!

It's always a bummer to be expecting 12 inches and only get 6.

Although getting 6" three times ain't bad.

Stay warm!

SuperTranny!

I actually remember reading this as a child and thinking, "wow, that would be SO cool!"

Boys Will Be Girls

I had a crazy day; even by my standards!

I decided to go to the mall via MITS, the local bus. It's bitterly cold, but the central hub is a block away and the bus goes straight to the mall front doors. It's a weekend, so I know that the bus will be filled with the youth of Muncie. I hesitate, but am resigned to my journey. I manage to buy my ticket ($1) and take the last open seat on the bus (it seems everyone wanted to go to the mall too!)

At the mall, I pick up a total steal: a full-length ultra-soft terry cloth robe for $15, retail $100. Score. And, I made a new friend today at Victoria's Secret. (I can't help it! Beautiful VS store managers are just naturally drawn to me. ;;)

So, I'm feeling pretty good, looking pretty, got a great deal and begin my hunt for a Colt's jersey. You can't host a Superbowl party and not sport the home team attire. Of course, Muncie doesn't have pink & white jerseys, just the blue and white ones. (I'm not completely unreasonable in my expectations) Nay, they are even out of most of the blue ones too.. just the white ones left. And expensive! Oh my!

So I've got my jersey and I'm off to the other wing to Old Navy where I figure I can get a cheap blue turtleneck. On the way, this little kid and his friends just go nuts when they see me. You'd have thought I had six heads and was breathing fire the way this kid kept circling me, pointing, saying, "that's a dude!" He follows me for a bit until I turn around and smile at him and say, "nice grill," referring to the chunk of metal in the kid's mouth. At this, he runs away screaming.

I am not making this up. Can you make little kids run away simply by saying hello, or is this a talent just for me?

On my way back from Old Navy, I run into the kid again (it's a small mall, just an L-shape). He continues this act and keeps backing away from me as I walk toward him. Unfortunately, instead of just going around, he keeps retreating to where I'm heading, and the more he retreats the louder he gets and the more he points.

Finally, the kid runs out of choices and backs himself into the same small exit wing as where I'm going and runs outside. I chose to stay warm and sat on the bench inside where I met a lovely lady who was stood up by her friends, she thinks because it was too cold. (She reminded me of my great-grandmother). I should have offered to buy her lunch, in retrospect, not just cause then I wouldn't have had to ride the bus with that kid, but eating alone didn't seem to bother her, and, before it dawned on me to ask such a thing, she gave up on her friends, stood up, and went off to eat at MCL.

As I listen to the kid and his friends jeer on the ride home, I reminisce about Talia, a transsexual I knew from the islands of Tennerife. To me, she was a typical transsexual in appearance, and by that I mean beautiful and totally passable as a woman; you'd never know her secret unless she showed it to you. However, the one segment of society she couldn't pass at as a genetic woman was with pre-teen kids. Her pet peeve was that they could always read her. How much fun she would have had today!

So I laughed and thought about Talia and the good times in London.

Shakespear in rejection

I've got the cable on the wall for no reason other than I figured since I'm paying for it, I might as well see what's out there. One afternoon at 4:20, while I'm reflecting on the fact that I just lost a boy for cross-dressing, the wall shows me images of a girl winning a boy while cross-dressing.

So... I guess it's a wash?

Sigh, no. It's so depressing to find out someone you thought was a good person, someone you thought was a cool... someone you called a friend turns out to be just another bigot.

A bigot is a prejudiced person who is intolerant of opinions, lifestyles, or identities differing from his or her own.

Harsh words from me? After being ignored for weeks, check out this IM I received from a friend:

It's not that I dont want to hear from you. It's that I don't know how to relate to people that wear women's clothing. I don't understand it , I don't like it, It's is crazy to me, and I kind of wish you had never let me see that part of you. we could have been friends without having to know this. I'm sorry, but I don't want to hangout with a thirty year old man who thinks he's a fourteen year old girl.

Ouch! With friends like that, who needs enemies? How shall I deconstruct thee, let me count the ways...

• It's not that I dont want to hear from you. Um, I'm sorry but with phrases like "I don't like it," "I wish you had never let me see that part of you," and "I don't want to hangout..." it sounds like you exactly don't want to hear from me. Please forgive me for acting accordingly.
  
• I don't know hot to relate to people that wear women's clothing. Approximately half of all humans wear women's clothing, but don't worry, relating to them is easy. Just be nice to them, take a shower, wash your clothes, maybe buy them dinner, and you might see more of them.
• I don't understand, I don't like it, It's crazy to me. Honey, you won't understand 1/50th of the knowledge contained in my brain or my experiences. You calling me crazy is like a pebble calling a mountain small; it ain't true empirically or relatively, it's just naive. Crazier is to harbor intolerance with a closed mind. You don't understand? ASK! You don't like? Find what it is within you that is causing such a reaction, and ask yourself, "Am I free to judge?"
  
• I kind of wish you had never let me see that part of you. Then you never would have met me...
  
• We could have been friends without having to know this. Not really, my friends like me for me, and not because I'm what they want me to be. But I would have still been nice to you.
  
• I'm sorry, but I don't want to hangout with a thirty year old man who thinks he's a fourteen year old girl. Ouch. That's rich coming from a man who lives at home with his parents. I'm sorry you turned out to be a bigot.

Alright, where's the Hagen-daz?

The Filles!

OMG! How could I not have known such a thing existed!

There I was, image-fishing on the web for a tri yin-yang (like this), when I came across a page that also had this movie poster... I was immediately attracted to it. It looked like it could be a musical! Gasp! A Gene Kelley movie I haven't seen? Whee! And Cole Porter wrote the music? Squeal! He's my favorite composer (he lived in Indiana too). And Mitzi Gaynor too! Not to mention it's a Sol Siegel production of an MGM film... what's not to love?

Unless you're like ... straight. I wouldn't know what straight people do for fun.

My First 9/11...

Today is the anniversary of the Challenger space shuttle disaster. I consider this to be my generation's first '9/11' experience, that is, our first collective memory of an event unfolding live on world-wide TV.

I wasn't alive when the Beatles played on Ed Sullivan, and I wasn't alive when John Kennedy was shot, but I hear that if you were alive during those events, you remember exactly what you were doing while they happened (in contrast to say, knowing what you did the day or week before/after.)

But I was alive when faulty O-rings caused Challenger to explode itself into millions of pieces, killing instantly the shuttle crew of seven. One of them was to be the first school teacher in space. I am sure their loss is still felt today and my heart goes out to their families.

Back at home, at Wilson Middle School, 7th grade, we had canceled classes in order to watch the launch. CNN was not around yet, but this kind of event got full media coverage by all three (3!) networks, so we could watch it over the airwaves at school.

Believe it or not, we even had a competition science fair where one lucky winner got to go down to Florida and watch the launch live! I'm not sure, but I think Muncie was selected for this special honor because of Ball Corp. and their role in manufacturing the heat-shield tiles used for shuttle re-entry.

1/29/2006: Update from my friend...

I actually got 8th place the first 7 got to go to Florida... I was the first alternate.... So I got to participate in everything except the actual trip.

It was called the Ball Corp Space Challenge Program...the plan(back those Naive days) was that the prize in future editions of the contest would be an actual flight into space onboard the shuttle.

All of that changed after it blew up... in fact they cancelled the whole program. However... I love the Blues Brothers picture... it is extraordinarily cool

For some reason, I didn't participate in this event, and I don't remember what I did instead, but I do remember my what my friend (then arch-nemesis) did... he wrote a computer program (in 5th grade) which taught maths skills... more or less. You see, a problem was shown on the screen, say 5+7, along with a launching shuttle, and if you got the right answer to the problem before time ran out, the shuttle launched... but if you got the answer wrong... well, I think this is where we go into the vagueness of 7th grade humor and invincibility, mixed in with a colossal cosmic dash of irony. If you got the answer wrong, the shuttle blew up shortly after it launched.

Unsurprisingly, in retrospect, he didn't win and a project of lesser skill and talent (although perhaps a bit more taste) won. In the end, the selected students didn't get to see the lift-off... they went down to Florida, but the launch was delayed several times and they had to come home before.

You mind the coincidences. While I can't say these were auspicious signs, the events made me take notice in a whole new way that kid who wrote that program. He's still in my life, and in many respects, we're still those same kids we were at Wilson middle school...

Later that year, we became friends and performed a skit featuring the Blues Brothers. It was a smash hit and cemented our friendship.


And that's how an 11-year old goes from the biggest national tragedy in their life to their biggest friend.

Stephen Trask Is A Musical Genius

Great lyrics, great music!

On Love:

But I could swear by your expression that the pain down in your soul was the same as the one down in mine. That's the pain, cuts a straight line down through the heart; we called it love. (Origin of Love)

On being a post-op transsexual:

When I woke up from the operation I was bleeding down there. I was bleeding from the gash between my legs. My first day as a woman, and already it’s that time of the month! (Angry Inch)

On perseverance:

Forgive me, for I did not know. 'Cause I was just a boy and you were so much more than any god could ever plan, more than a woman or a man, and now, I understand how much I took from you. That, when everything starts breaking down, you take the pieces off the ground and show this wicked town something beautiful and new. (Wicked Little Town)

On being transsexual:

I look back on where I'm from, look at the woman I've become, and the strangest things seem suddenly routine. (Wig in a Box)

On healing:

Breath. Feel. Love. Give. Free. Know in you soul, like your blood knows the way from you heart to your brain, know that you're whole. (Midnight Radio)

On moving from London to Muncie:

'Cause with all the changes you've been through, it seems the stranger's always you. Alone again in some new wicked little town. (Wicked Little Town)

Two Songs, One Eye, and No One (to talk to)

Chorus of the minute:

Je ne veux pas travailler
Je ne veux pas déjeuner
Je veux seulement l'oublier
Et puis je fume
-- Sympathique, Pink Martini

Roughly translated:

I do not want to work.
I do not want to have lunch.
I only want to forget.
And so I smoke.

This sums up almost exactly my feelings regarding my social life. You're probably thinking I'm a stoner or something, but the past few weeks have been rough socially and work-wise. I say, almost exactly, because I can smoke... what I want more is to smoke with someone.

But, alas, since I came out in 2007, those opportunities have withdrawn. I think I now make people too uncomfortable- get this- by just being me. Whereas before, people treated me as a freak they didn't understand, now people just seem to treat me as a freak they don't want to understand. Can you believe it? Someone as innately loveable as lil 'ol me?

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't expect to find support, coming out in MidWest America. In fact, I expected lots of hatred. The good news is that people seem to be genuinely unconcerned with Trans-folk, so long as they are beyond arms' length. What I didn't expect is this perceived alienation from friends and family.

I say perceived cause it could just be me. It *could* be... however, I can count the total number of phone calls I've received in the new year on one finger, and that ain't normal. So perhaps everyone just is super busy now. I'm sure no one is freaked out at all because everyone I know is so attentive to details, and I've only been slowly coming out now, for what, a year?

Whatever... so that's got this girl down, but we get through. We always do.

I now proudly wear my label of 'freak!'

We are freaks we are butch we are fem
We are freaks look at him look at them.
-- Freaks, Stephen Trask

Speaking of, check out this adorable little kitty! OMG, can you believe it? Unfortunately, 'Cy' only lived for a few days, poor thing... but she did live!

... and so do the rest of the 'freaks' like me. Even if the phone forgets to ring.

The Strangest Things Seem Suddenly Routine

It's surreal how moving to Muncie from London has dramatically changed my social network.

I mean, while in London, I regularly had occasion to hang out with some pretty extraordinary world citizens: heads of states, astronauts, performers, and some of the most brilliant minds and scientists of our day. This was my company. This was where I felt I belonged.

In Muncie, I get to have a cuppa joe with Wee Man.

In London, I watched David Soul give two amazing performances in "Jerry Springer, the Opera." In Muncie, I watched Eric Estrada arrest an 80-year old woman selling crack. I feel like I should go watch C.H.I.P.S. or something.

So... from mighty-men to moon-men to mini-men... "My life is such a freak show," said the half-man. Or was that half-woman? Or just half... woah, man!

Steve Jobs is Laughing at YOU!

From BBC, "Apple's 'magical' iPhone unveiled"
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/6246063.stm

Steve Jobs is selling hot air, and everyone is buying it as fast as they can. Apple creates/innovates/steals technology, makes it so that it can only be used in their Draconian fashion, colors it pretty, doubles the price, and then hypes it in a way that makes people want to buy it. And they do.

iPod. Give me a break, 20Gb mp3/video players were available for four years before Apple brought out the iPod. They were better then than what Apple offers now; however, Creative Labs and Archos were not the manipulators of public passion that Jobs is (credit where credit is due). He managed to convince people that what they really wanted (4 years ago) was a bigger, heavier device that could hold less songs smothered with Digital Rights Management (we aren't grown up enough to use our music the way we want to). Oh yeah, and it had to be White, cause, it like worked for the Beatles and all. And did I mention it connects easily to a pay-as-you-go service so that they can start making money off of artists and musicians as well?

C'est la vie. I remained smug, content in my knowledge that *I* wasn't throwing away my money on sub-par technology marketed to those who have more money than technological common sense.

I should say that I became smug rather than remaining such, but only after repeated failed attempts to enlighten others.

Case in point, I'm in the Apple Store in San Jose (after just spending the afternoon lunch in the lion's den - Apple HQ in Cupertino). I'm looking at a nice-looking (of course) sound system for the iPod. Plug and thump bass with two speakers. The issue? I'm looking all over for the technical specifications of this device.

I'm curious to see the frequency response for such a large subwoofer (how low can you go?), and curiouser still to see if there was any digital 'magic' (ie, filter processing) in the mix, since most media played on an iPod is roughly of radio quality.

I looked everywhere on the package to no avail. I then notice there aren't specs on any other audio devices they have. I finally get a poor guy to help me, but he can't find the information on their website. After we open up a package to find the answer (a paltry 60hz) the manager admits that most Apple consumers don't care about the technical specifications.

Hello? I'm sorry, but - work with me on this - it seems that if ever there was a time to care about 'the technical specs,' it would be when shopping for or buying technology!

Back to the article. Technology is not, capital EN, capital OH, capital TEE, in any sense of the word, MAGIC, yet this is precisely what Jobs wants us to believe given his incessant use of the word to describe his, ho-hum, overpriced telephone that can play mp3s and video.

It ain't magic; it's two-year old technology. If one were so inclined to have such a device years ago, one could, if one knew where to look.

So why does he call it magic? To make you think it's cool, duh. To make you think it's someone more advanced than you or modern technology. It ain't.

But let me be fair and address the 'magic' in question. The magic is in the way the software handles the new technology they are pushing... touch-sensitive displays. You know, the kind that have been on PDAs for over a decade? Only, these displays have a bit of a problem... they are susceptible to mistaken touches! You can "push a button" from merely holding the device!

So the technology is basically a faulty (by design) touch-sensitive panel. Big whoop. We've had those for years (he flat out lies when he says it's the most accurate one shipped). Jobs thinks so much of the PC-style desktop metaphor, that he thinks he's doing a noble thing by bringing it to touch-sensitive devices. His big innovation? You don't need a stylus... Erm... No. What you've done Steve, is you've worked really hard to mis-apply a metaphor to a phone.

But let's set that aside for now. What really astounds me is his claim that the interface is 'super-smart,' knowing difference when you accidentally press a button and when you intentionally press it.

In other words, the 'magic' is the operating system of the phone selectively either ignoring or processing your input based on whatever algorithms were programmed into it at Cupertino. In other words, the device has the power to veto your input!

I've used products with a similar interface. Hated it. Unless you're flying a Jet at Mach 3(where human reflexes are too slow), I don't see any reason why user input should be so complicated. You see, buttons have what we call 'affordances'. When was the last time you tried to pull a button? Probably never... that's because the button itself gives you clues on how to use it. It affords pushing. Now contrast that with how many times you've pulled a door when you should have pushed (or vice-versa). Some door knobs and handles, such as curved handles, afford pulling, while some, such as a flat plate, afford pushing. Others still are ambiguous, like a simple door knob. Do you know by just looking at it if the door opens or closes? That's affordance. The more you have, in theory, the easier your interface is to use.

But you see, what Jobs has done by putting a button on a flat screen is take a perfectly good button, and remove all of its physical affordances. Oh, he added some pretty graphics to the device, but um... your thumb is blind and relies on touch.

But Jobs wants pretty, and... wow, it sure is pretty... I want one!

But now we have to deal with the MANY limitations of the desktop metaphor (clicking on icons) on a touch-screen display. Not the least of which is unintended button presses from simply holding the device, which is why Apple has to make their device 'super-smart' in the first place. LOL

Psst- wanna know what's 'super-smart?' Not building a device that is prone to accidental touches which require unnecessary monitoring of the device to tell if it's being used or not.

Why spend good money on unnecessary technology? Ever?

It's a cell phone-mp3 player, not a health-care system. It doesn't need to be smart. It needs to make phone calls and play music/video. That's all. Any extra technology needed to accomplish these goals is the result of an inferior design. Full stop. But it sure is pretty!

Over a decade ago, when researchers discovered they could program more than computers... they could program environments ... people tried to build 'smart homes.' The idea is that if the home knew more about you and your habits, it could make like easier for you, turning on the lights automatically, regulating the AC/heating based on occupancy, automatically ordering food when stocks were low, etc.

I'll summarize my views then (as a researcher in the field) which are still the same: We don't need smarter light switches, we need smarter light switch designers and smarter light switch operators.

We don't need smart gadgets that try and compensate for poor design. What we need are gadgets that are smartly designed to work seamlessly with the real world (with us in it!)

Any device that limits your use of it or the media designed for it is ... wait for it ... BAD TECHNOLOGY. DON'T BUY IT!

But they won't listen to me... they've probably already bought an iPod mini, nano, and original, and they probably can't wait until July when they can buy at three times the price what we could get 2 1/2 years ago. But hey, this one isn't even white! Oh well, they'll just buy new iUpGrades in black.

I should end this by saying I don't hate macs or people who use them... some of my best friends... wait for it... are Mac users! But sometimes, I have dreams where I hear this guy!