Transpirational

The original purpose of this blog was to serve as inspiration, affirmation, and hope for other transgendered people. Since the very beginning, when I started researching scientific papers on transgendered issues, I was fortunate enough to find sage advice from those who had walked the path before me. I chose to document my journey so that I could, in my own way, return to the world what was given to me.

Over time, as I came out to my friends (spread out around the world), this blog began to serve double-duty as a way of reaching out to them. Thus it turned into a diary of more than just transgendered issues.

This post is specifically for all the T-girls and T-boys out there, and for the few friends that I allowed a glimpse into the depths of my years-long depression. For my transgendered kin, let this be hope for you in your darkest hours... seemingly impossible goals, over time, find a way of becoming true, and it is with all humility that I say, "If I can do it, you can too!" For my friends who have watched me struggle, know now that finally, she is beginning to feel peace.

I LOVE MY LIFE!

Just one-half a year ago, I am sorry to say I dreaded it. Bi-polar, you say? No, I was estrogen deprived! Testosterone would lead me to extremes, sure, but the overall life experience was a winning ticket in the emotional pain lottery. It took me 30 years to finally become conscious (or at least self-aware enough to know I was self-aware), and when I did, I realized something was wrong. I couldn't quite figure out what it was until I re-invented myself in London. There, I met people like me, people who I admired, and for the first time I started to realize that my mind was female!

I changed my clothes, my diet, my habits, my behaviors, even tried to change my thoughts from the environmentally-forced masculine patterns to the inner-self feminine ones. Over the course of five years I finally fully accepted my situation and became proud of who I was. This was the first major victory, and once achieved, I knew I could survive the transition process, and believe me, that fortitude was needed to survive transitioning in Midwest America!

Then six months ago, I started taking hormones. I would have taken them sooner, but I wanted to have some stability (and support) in my life before I started permanently changing my body. It's scary! Plus, there is a lot of clerical and court work... changing name, proving you're not insane... it's the point of no return and a huge step all at once.

By this time, I had already changed my body into a much more girly figure. I lost over 50 lbs (!) of muscle, grew my hair long and thick, and had just begun to find clothing styles that looked natural and convincing. The best thing to help me with this was living in London. There, from my living room window, right smack in the middle of the city, I watched women... I watched how they walked, how they interacted with people, how they dressed, how they wore their hair, their thought patterns, how they spoke, how they ate, how they drank, how they smoked... I felt like a child learning to become human all over again, and every night after work I would transform myself as best I could and practice what I learned, walking to all sorts of famous cultural places.

I was living as a lady, but I felt like I would never be seen or accepted as one and the pain it caused me from not passing was dreadful. It was even worse back home where the weather was warmer and my genes were much more common. In other words, in London, coats and long sleeve were in fashion year round, plus I was exotic. All that helped me pass, but back home, I was common and folks were better able to spot inconsistencies in my appearance.

Oh, I was frequently mistaken for a lady, but I was often unable to maintain the illusion upon closer inspection or even a brief conversation. Severs would apologize for calling me ma'am (I loved when they called me ma'am!) From across the street, I was a pretty girl, but up-close, people somehow saw right through me. It was humiliating, defeating, depressing, and had I not held true to my earlier convictions, had I not kept photos of my lovely T-girl friends for inspiration, had I not believed or had support from the trans community... I would not have survived!

Then came the hormone majik. Six months later and what a world of difference! Everywhere I go, I am Miss Clio. Sitting shoulder to shoulder with men all night and I'm still Miss Clio. Men flirt with me, they take me out to dinner, and still, I am Miss Clio!

Yes, I am still transitioning... I'm going through puberty... my breasts are still growing, my body fat is redistributing making my figure more feminine, my skin, soft as it is, will become even more supple. I still shave and exfoliate my face every day, but I can go 36 hours before there's even a trace of growth! (Before, thick makeup was required to cover my facial hair even just after shaving! I can't stress enough the confidence and success to be found in laser hair removal! Getting the shadows off my face was the most difficult physical and psychological hurdle facing me... it's hard to feel feminine with a five o'clock shadow!)

In the beginning it was so hard for me to envision the woman I wanted to become, but even six years ago, there were fleeting glimpses of her in the mirror. At first it was at night in the darkened reflection from store front windows under the faint glow of London's street lamps. Then chance encounters in the mirrors at home. I poured cocktails of chemicals in my body in an effort to find her so that I could latch on to her, so that I could remember the feeling and invoke her from within, but I am sad to say that I could not keep her. The illusion of reality was still too strong and she would leave as sobriety resumed. I resorted to making ever more changes to my body. Epilating all of my body hair, painting nails, learning to apply makeup, women's clothing... each step brought me closer and closer to the visions I had. Until one day, at the salon, Judith, finally realizing that I didn't want a man's styling, but instead a woman's, worked her majik on me. She turned the chair around and there was Miss Clio, smiling right back at me! Sober! There she was!

I continued to chase those images with every fiber in my being and now, still in transition, she's all I see looking back at me in the silver-backed glass! :)

The speed in which I went from not passing to fully passing has been surprising! I wonder if I was unable to pass as female because my body was emitting male pheromones? I take two kinds of estrogen now and two kinds of testosterone inhibitors... so maybe instead of smelling like a man, I now smell like a woman? (Or maybe only men smell... that's been my experience!... and now I don't?)

Perhaps I just feel her presence in my heart every day and it's that feeling which dictates what others see.

Maybe it's how I style my hair, or the clothes I wear, or my makeup or how I speak.

Probably it's all of those things!

I am so grateful and happy now that my physical gender matches my mental gender!

Please, take from this story hope and believe that the changes can happen to you too! It takes a lot of work to change your gender, especially in a society that culturally loads gender behaviors like ours does! It's okay to feel overwhelmed! Take baby steps and know that the path is finite! Over time even the burly man can become the feminine lady!

A warning: I was fortunate enough to be able to figure out a way to sustain myself working at home while transitioning, but the process occupied nearly all of my waking thoughts and ... I've seen it overwhelm others. Know your priorities! Food, shelter, medical, in that order. You can't transition if you are worrying about where you're going to live or how you're going to eat. Create that stability first!

During the transition, most people thought I was a hermit, but what they didn't realize was that 1) there wasn't much in small town Indiana that appealed to me after touring the world and 2) I didn't want to go out and not pass as female! So I didn't go out much. While this worked for me, it lead to an even greater depression which took even more mental thought to push through (evidenced by this blog), so I can't stress enough the importance of having a solid core of supportive people. You will need to lean on your friends!

But then one day you'll find yourself living as that woman you've always known yourself to be. The woman you've dared to dream about being... and when that day comes, all of the pain, all of the struggles, all of the heartaches, all that will turn into such a feeling of joy words can't describe! And now you embody that woman, and she's all you see in the mirror and she's all the world sees and finally... though the journey may never end... finally you know peace.