What I Saw In The Hood

Families. Dads with Moms with their young children on a Saturday afternoon. Strollers. Lots of them. Kids. Lots of them; the Mall's large centrally-located "playground" was filled with children playing. Also saw teenagers hanging out, thirty-somethings nesting, and professional people.

Outside the mall, a huge park, teeming with families and children playing. Oh yeah, down the road a'ways there were people selling... I don't know what... on the street and although the flats were in need of maintenance, the people I met were friendly and treated me like a lady.

They were a rainbow mix of minorities, both in race and cultures. The people appeared to be financially poor, but the faces were all happy on this beautiful Sunday afternoon.

Little Black Dress

Today was another milestone on my path to womanhood... I bought my first little black dress! :)

The day started basic enough; Bradly and I went to HomoDepot and gots some bolts for the bedframe in my room and then we picked up some fruit smoothies... yum! He drove me around today, top-down in his Saab! So much fun, and I must admit, I always wanted to be that pretty girl riding in the convertible, pedicured feet on the dash, music playing, enjoying the sun, and believe me when I savoured every second!

Later, after meeting his sister for lunchies, we went shopping for - ho hum - a bedskirt for the bed, now on a basic frame, but now showing the box springs. We get side-tracked at Marshalls when all of a sudden, there is was... dare I try it on?

I did!

Two ladies outside the dressing room- total strangers- complimented me on the look! Giggle! And then... a miracle occured.

For the first time, I started to feel silly for thinking that I wasn't passing as a genetic girl. Here I was, as bare in public as I had ever been, and drawing compliments no less! I actually skipped backed to the dressing room!

It may sound odd... after all, I've been passing for weeks now in the casinos, men have been flirting with me... I have no idea if I'm passing as a gg or as a tg, but the vibes have been supportive and positive... so why keep the fear of not passing? Why keep the stigma of my former gender?

No, if I can stand there in a little black dress, no makeup, hair a mess, and still be THAT GIRL... well honey, I left it all all the doubts and fears back in the dressing room. This girl doesn't have need for them any more!

The ironic part is that just 30 minutes earlier, I was feeling a bit insecure about my looks... I dare anyone not to in the company of supermodels like Brad and Lisa... but you don't let that get to you, oh no, instead, you take the focus away from you and simply enjoy being in their presence. That's how to survive around 10s... us mere mortals can't compete... so to go from feeling like Ugly Betty to Miss Holly Golightly... what a rush! B&L have a way of doing that- of bringing out the best in people!

Back at home, more housekeeping, but this time on the blog: I added labels to all the posts and a little display where the more a label is used, the larger it gets. As of this moment in time, it looks like:

Seems about right to sum up my life over the past 2-1/2 years! I'm happy that life and philosophy were more frequent than transgendered... a friend told me earlier that it was too much on my mind, but I'd say the above summary is pretty representive!

What's missing? Hmm... Sex. Not a lot of that lately. A side affect from the hormones is a decreased interest in sex, but it's ususally reversible, and I think that's finally starting to happen, so who knows?

Music is oddly missing, but that's due to simplified label management; that's under 'media'.

Where's Love?

The Very First Event...

Today was supposed to be such a magical day...

It was really hard for me not to call this post, "Throwing Money Away."

So I played in the very first event of the 2008 World Series of Poker. It was event #58 (go figure!) and was a $330 super-satellite to the main event.

Super satellites work like this. The main event costs ten large- $10,000. That's a lot. So what happens is a lot of people each put in $300 and play a tournament. Since $10,000 / $300 = 33, for every 33 people that enter, a main event seat is awarded. The tournament plays until there are as many seats available as people left.

I wanted to play the $500 satellite. Same idea, but you only have to be in the top 5% instead of the top 3%. Imagine my shock when I found out the website was wrong, there was no $500 satellite today!

Perhaps you can't imagine my shock. I was so ready for today! I slept well that night, and the day before, I relaxed, studied, and meditated. I got up early, made myself extra pretty, and even got there early, having a lovely sushi meal just outside the tournament hall.

(By the way, if you've ever seen the WSOP 2007 on ESPN/2 it looks exactly like that... they didn't change a thing! Here's a video taken from my mobile...)

"What the Muncie," I thought, and signed up for the $330 anyway.

I instantly regretted it.

Sure, I got to sit at the tables you see on TV- I got to stare at logos for Milwaukee's Best, ESPN, and Harrahs. Sure I got a chance to fling out chips- they were crappy tournament ones anyway, not like the nice ones you see on TV. The cards were kick-ass though, so at least there was that.

The initial stacks were way too small ($2000) and the structure was way to fast to do anything but pick a hand and go all-in. I.E., luck was needed.

Case in point. First hand, I'm the big blind ($50) with K8. The flop comes K72. The little blind bets $200. I call. The turn is an 8. The little blind checks. I bet $300, he calls. The river is something, I don't know... the little blind checks, I check cause like the board flushed or something. The guy has pocket 77 or trip 7s. Egad, one unlucky break and I'm 1/4 down in chips! Most players would have lost more in my spot, so I guess it was a lucky break?

What that means is, now that the blinds are $150/$300, if I make a standard raise of 4 times the big blind, that's $1200 or 3/4 of my whole stack, or, in poker tournament parlance, all my chips. In other words, the next hand I play, I'm all in! (Apologies for all the advanced tournament strategy here, just trying to make a point!)

As you'll see, losing that pot didn't matter one iota. Tournament outcomes for an individuals often depend on just one hand. Our table breaks down and I'm moved. From the big blind again, I have King-6 spades. The flop is Q83- all spades. I check, everyone checks. Turn comes ten of clubs and I bet $1000 (3/4 my stack) into a $500 pot (If a lone Ace of spades calls me, I want to get proper odds for his draw.) I get re-raised all-in ($400 more) by the little blind who I figure has the Ace of spades, but not for, you guessed it, a 5 of spades to go with it! Brutal.

Of the 1,326 specific two-card hands, there were 6 that could beat me (all them must have the Ace of spades and another spade) and the odds of him having one of those hands-- given that I had what I had-- is freakishly small.

Small, but non-zero, and just like that, swing and a miss.

I felt like Charlie Bucket, opening up a Wonka fudge bar, looking for a golden ticket and finding only chocolate. No wait, I didn't feel that good; Charlie at least got to enjoy the chocolate!

Now I'm bummed. Not cause I lost, but because, again, pardon the technical jargon, 1) the satellite tournament structure sucks, and 2) the Ladies tournament structure and starting stack is identical to what was just played. In other words, it's a crap shoot too! Well, you know the strategy I'd play, and against all ladies, it might win, but it's still a long shot.

I said it before, and I'll say it again, the main event is the only tournament where skill can be relied upon to get into the money. The structure is similar to the satellites, but the levels double 1/2 as fast and the starting stack is 10 times larger.

But now... it's going to take a whole lot more than skill to get me there!

Where There's A Will...

The piano I just bought has a lot of demo songs on it. Seriously, you can press play, and it will go through song after song for hours. Pretty cool, really...

Anyway, the first song is amazingly close to the Will and Grace theme song. One was ripped off from the other, right down to some of the fills.

I started playing it by ear, but it's like, hard and stuff, and after seeing this guy play the real thing, I became obsessed. Actually, don't watch that guy, watch this one instead, he plays it pretty faithfully. (But both better than me now!)

I searched high, I searched low, I look far, I looked close... it was such a struggle to find the (unpublished) sheet music for this song that I actually felt a sense of accomplishment when I finally found a transcription of it! (I know! Just from clicking! But to be fair, I waded through many bad searches and 19 pages of one forum before finally finding gold!)

It was such a chore to find the music, I'm putting it up here, just in case you too might want to flex your fingers on this flighty, feisty fanfare! (No charge for alliteration!)

The mp3
The pdf

Enjoy!

A Day In Her Life...

An incredible day... you can read about it here...

The Piano

About the above:
Yes, there is another blog! When I first moved to Vegas, I had the silly thought that this blog would just end, and I'd post a link to the new, Vegas blog and that would be that. Seemed simple enough in theory, but hard to put into practice.

As you know, I had planned to write a book while I was out here, but I quickly learned that writing engaging and compelling stories from nothing is something easier said than done! However, as my life is pretty surreal, (can't make this stuff up!) I thought I'd base the story on real life. Since my life is just the physical manifestations of my thoughts, it's all just imagination anyway, right? ;)

To force myself to think more like, literary-y, I started writing the new blog in the third person. At some point, there has to be other characters besides myself, right?

So it needs an editor and it's just a very rough first draft, but I'm posting it here cause, well, you might get a kick out it! ;)

Why You Can Linger At Your Online Bank

While having dinner with the cast of Follies, (teehee) I met a nice young woman named Lee. Lee was a bit concerned (rightfully so) about her online privacy, especially when looking at her bank statements.

"I logon and logoff as fast as a I can," she said, "I don't want to take any chances with anyone seeing my details!"

Perhaps I missed an opportunity to enlighten the table, but my social faux paux early warning system prevented me from explaining why that statement was ... inaccurate. Perhaps not polite (or even very interesting) dinner conversation, but excellent blog fodder!

You see, Lee, when you get online, you would be right to think that anyone could 'see' what you're doing as you send information to/from your computer through the web. That is true, even if you are connected via a wireless encrypted network!

However, when you visit a bank, you no longer send information in a readable format across the web; it is encoded in a format which makes it unreadable to humans, and for the time being, any computer that isn't yours or the bank.

So, yes, in theory, someone could tell that you're sending data to/from a bank, but they would be unable to decode that data and make any sense of it.

Finally, the danger of your 'screen being read' comes not from how long you keep it up on your screen, but rather during the time the bits travels from the bank to your computer. It's like a real letter. If you send me a letter through the mail, who knows what eyes could read it in transit (unless you encode it!), but by the time it's in my hands, no one else could then read it.

So relax, sip a cup of coffee and enjoy how much interest you've earned... you're safe from prying eyes as long as there isn't anyone with binocculars over your shoulder! ;)

E equals M times C queered

There's a lot in my head from Thursday's lunch. Did you ever see Apollo 13? I've always been fascinated with space and space travel, but cosmically, I worry that I'm like that craft spinning out of control, with rockets firing from all sides randomly, and am trying to get control. Maybe not so much out of control, but over-controlled? Not sure. I feel close, very close, but I now know enough to know that I don't know, and I feel forces I cannot explain. I am sure it all makes sense but I wonder if there is some 3rd eye discipline that is lacking, but where to start? Or maybe I need glasses? :) No doubt, there is some premature enlightenment carried over from my explorations with chemicals, but all that's there for a reason; at least we have awareness!

So it comes down to letting go or more discipline. I would not be surprised if I had to be more disciplined about letting go, or if I had to let go about being more disciplined. Intuition says to let go... the warrior instinct says discipline... and of course the sage says wait.

Yesterday was a kinda crummy day, in case it wasn't obvious. I'm always amazed at how much it still hurts to get 'sir'ed, even if, as the case may be, it was from a non-native English speaker confused about pronouns. Gotta get over that, and fast!

I pampered myself with a full-body massage but really confused Joanda, the therapist. But then, she really confused me too. Energy is a funny thing. I did explain to her the four dimensions of gender, and she got it, but she didn't get why I was where I was, and kept trying to understand why I would be on the path I'm on if I didn't just adore men. No doubt, it would be nice to be in the arms of a nice, tall, handsome, clean, not-too-hairy man, but that's not the reason one is transsexual... that has to do with being transgendered, and that has to do with the mind sex not matching the body sex. I think she got that. She explained her conviction in men by knowing that the first sight she would want to see after bliss when she opened her eyes would be a big strong man there to make her feel safe. I thought that was pretty lucid a definition of knowing your sexuality if ever I heard one! I told her for me, it had always been female and still was, but that I would not rule out a mind based on the body it was in. (How could I?)

Then she confused me, started talking about another client, saying she told one that she had a penis (the client got all interested)... an odd thing to say during a massage! Then when I was leaving at the counter, she pointed out- making me come very, very close to her face to see- that she was a bit uncomfortable with her facial hair. (She wanted me to help her become more lady-like!) That's when I saw the beard growth on her chin. Looked like a man's, having been there and felt that way. Her hands were really, REALLY strong. Hmm... Tips on being more lady-like? Had I just failed to acknowledge another tranny? No way I insult a genetic woman with such a comment, for she was already self-conscious and already looked all like a woman!

She reminded me of Talia. Both were from small islands in the Atlantic, both had fled, and both were stunningly beautiful with an equally charming accented English. I never saw Talia as a boy, and I think she liked that. So, I decided to see Joanda as the woman she obviously was.

The universe, testing me, delivers a very tall Mexican boy my way later that night. He follows me out of the hotel into the car park, totally fixated on me. (Relax, the Robin Williams show had just let out and the place was jam-packed with people!)

He was tall, handsome, and didn't speak much English. Turns out, I know more Spanish than I thought! (Mental note, learn four languages by 2010, twenty by 2020.) Though a combination of broken words and thoughts, I learn that he's here with his dad and that he wants to go with me back to my place. He was huge! It would have been fun. I told him that he was pretty bold to ask me that, not even buying me a drink or dinner first, but he was unconcerned with proper etiquette.

Living in America, one forgets the vigor in which young, non-American men pursue the objects of their affection. I allowed myself to enjoy it, knowing there was no way in Espanol he was going home with me, although I would have chatted with him in the bar, or maybe even his room if his dad wasn't already in there. Oh yeah, and he'd have to be a little more better off than being with his dad on vacation, and he'd definitely have to lose that herpes-esque looking thing on his lip. Zit? Maybe. On a stranger? To me, that's full-blown Hep-C! Still, I would have enjoyed the chance to learn a little more Spanish.

Finally I just start to repeat 'no' to the boy, and he is visibly hurt, like a puppy. Just like a puppy in fact. He watches me go up the escalator. Who knows how long he stayed there?

What a confusing day. Tears well up, but I did have to laugh afterward, having just said that I had given up on finding anyone interested in someone like me. Good bye Francisco... good luck at USC!

Transpirational

The original purpose of this blog was to serve as inspiration, affirmation, and hope for other transgendered people. Since the very beginning, when I started researching scientific papers on transgendered issues, I was fortunate enough to find sage advice from those who had walked the path before me. I chose to document my journey so that I could, in my own way, return to the world what was given to me.

Over time, as I came out to my friends (spread out around the world), this blog began to serve double-duty as a way of reaching out to them. Thus it turned into a diary of more than just transgendered issues.

This post is specifically for all the T-girls and T-boys out there, and for the few friends that I allowed a glimpse into the depths of my years-long depression. For my transgendered kin, let this be hope for you in your darkest hours... seemingly impossible goals, over time, find a way of becoming true, and it is with all humility that I say, "If I can do it, you can too!" For my friends who have watched me struggle, know now that finally, she is beginning to feel peace.

I LOVE MY LIFE!

Just one-half a year ago, I am sorry to say I dreaded it. Bi-polar, you say? No, I was estrogen deprived! Testosterone would lead me to extremes, sure, but the overall life experience was a winning ticket in the emotional pain lottery. It took me 30 years to finally become conscious (or at least self-aware enough to know I was self-aware), and when I did, I realized something was wrong. I couldn't quite figure out what it was until I re-invented myself in London. There, I met people like me, people who I admired, and for the first time I started to realize that my mind was female!

I changed my clothes, my diet, my habits, my behaviors, even tried to change my thoughts from the environmentally-forced masculine patterns to the inner-self feminine ones. Over the course of five years I finally fully accepted my situation and became proud of who I was. This was the first major victory, and once achieved, I knew I could survive the transition process, and believe me, that fortitude was needed to survive transitioning in Midwest America!

Then six months ago, I started taking hormones. I would have taken them sooner, but I wanted to have some stability (and support) in my life before I started permanently changing my body. It's scary! Plus, there is a lot of clerical and court work... changing name, proving you're not insane... it's the point of no return and a huge step all at once.

By this time, I had already changed my body into a much more girly figure. I lost over 50 lbs (!) of muscle, grew my hair long and thick, and had just begun to find clothing styles that looked natural and convincing. The best thing to help me with this was living in London. There, from my living room window, right smack in the middle of the city, I watched women... I watched how they walked, how they interacted with people, how they dressed, how they wore their hair, their thought patterns, how they spoke, how they ate, how they drank, how they smoked... I felt like a child learning to become human all over again, and every night after work I would transform myself as best I could and practice what I learned, walking to all sorts of famous cultural places.

I was living as a lady, but I felt like I would never be seen or accepted as one and the pain it caused me from not passing was dreadful. It was even worse back home where the weather was warmer and my genes were much more common. In other words, in London, coats and long sleeve were in fashion year round, plus I was exotic. All that helped me pass, but back home, I was common and folks were better able to spot inconsistencies in my appearance.

Oh, I was frequently mistaken for a lady, but I was often unable to maintain the illusion upon closer inspection or even a brief conversation. Severs would apologize for calling me ma'am (I loved when they called me ma'am!) From across the street, I was a pretty girl, but up-close, people somehow saw right through me. It was humiliating, defeating, depressing, and had I not held true to my earlier convictions, had I not kept photos of my lovely T-girl friends for inspiration, had I not believed or had support from the trans community... I would not have survived!

Then came the hormone majik. Six months later and what a world of difference! Everywhere I go, I am Miss Clio. Sitting shoulder to shoulder with men all night and I'm still Miss Clio. Men flirt with me, they take me out to dinner, and still, I am Miss Clio!

Yes, I am still transitioning... I'm going through puberty... my breasts are still growing, my body fat is redistributing making my figure more feminine, my skin, soft as it is, will become even more supple. I still shave and exfoliate my face every day, but I can go 36 hours before there's even a trace of growth! (Before, thick makeup was required to cover my facial hair even just after shaving! I can't stress enough the confidence and success to be found in laser hair removal! Getting the shadows off my face was the most difficult physical and psychological hurdle facing me... it's hard to feel feminine with a five o'clock shadow!)

In the beginning it was so hard for me to envision the woman I wanted to become, but even six years ago, there were fleeting glimpses of her in the mirror. At first it was at night in the darkened reflection from store front windows under the faint glow of London's street lamps. Then chance encounters in the mirrors at home. I poured cocktails of chemicals in my body in an effort to find her so that I could latch on to her, so that I could remember the feeling and invoke her from within, but I am sad to say that I could not keep her. The illusion of reality was still too strong and she would leave as sobriety resumed. I resorted to making ever more changes to my body. Epilating all of my body hair, painting nails, learning to apply makeup, women's clothing... each step brought me closer and closer to the visions I had. Until one day, at the salon, Judith, finally realizing that I didn't want a man's styling, but instead a woman's, worked her majik on me. She turned the chair around and there was Miss Clio, smiling right back at me! Sober! There she was!

I continued to chase those images with every fiber in my being and now, still in transition, she's all I see looking back at me in the silver-backed glass! :)

The speed in which I went from not passing to fully passing has been surprising! I wonder if I was unable to pass as female because my body was emitting male pheromones? I take two kinds of estrogen now and two kinds of testosterone inhibitors... so maybe instead of smelling like a man, I now smell like a woman? (Or maybe only men smell... that's been my experience!... and now I don't?)

Perhaps I just feel her presence in my heart every day and it's that feeling which dictates what others see.

Maybe it's how I style my hair, or the clothes I wear, or my makeup or how I speak.

Probably it's all of those things!

I am so grateful and happy now that my physical gender matches my mental gender!

Please, take from this story hope and believe that the changes can happen to you too! It takes a lot of work to change your gender, especially in a society that culturally loads gender behaviors like ours does! It's okay to feel overwhelmed! Take baby steps and know that the path is finite! Over time even the burly man can become the feminine lady!

A warning: I was fortunate enough to be able to figure out a way to sustain myself working at home while transitioning, but the process occupied nearly all of my waking thoughts and ... I've seen it overwhelm others. Know your priorities! Food, shelter, medical, in that order. You can't transition if you are worrying about where you're going to live or how you're going to eat. Create that stability first!

During the transition, most people thought I was a hermit, but what they didn't realize was that 1) there wasn't much in small town Indiana that appealed to me after touring the world and 2) I didn't want to go out and not pass as female! So I didn't go out much. While this worked for me, it lead to an even greater depression which took even more mental thought to push through (evidenced by this blog), so I can't stress enough the importance of having a solid core of supportive people. You will need to lean on your friends!

But then one day you'll find yourself living as that woman you've always known yourself to be. The woman you've dared to dream about being... and when that day comes, all of the pain, all of the struggles, all of the heartaches, all that will turn into such a feeling of joy words can't describe! And now you embody that woman, and she's all you see in the mirror and she's all the world sees and finally... though the journey may never end... finally you know peace.

Miracles in the Desert

I met my friend Joyce at a little cafe in Paris today for lunch. The food itself was exquisite- Ahi Tuna, raw, but seared around the edges with peppercorn mixed with boiled potatoes served on a bed of fresh greens and celery tossed with a light lemon vinigrette dressing. Yummy! It was the perfect accompaniment to fresh loaf of french bread, a glass of pino gris (not grigio, cause it's Paris) and a bottle of sparkling water. And for desert? Rich flour-less chocolate cake topped with a sensuous chocolate glaze. It was nearly orgasmic!

And if the food was good, the company was even better. I don't know the proper words for what Joyce does- to call her just a costume designer seems woefully inadequate because as I understand it, everything in a production that has to do with fabric or color is her speciality. In addition to providing support for Folies Bergere, the quintessential Las Vegas show (check out the costumes!), Joyce was preparing to work with Cher (CHER!) in her upcoming performances, encourage future generations to follow their dreams, and when all that was done, work her magic for Bette Middler. Yes, the Divine Miss M!

Joyce is an amazing woman! Have you ever met someone where when you are with them, you are granted frequent, deeply meaningful insights? For me at least, that happened today. After spending just two hours with her, I felt transformed. I felt like a fountain of positive energy and I reveled in spreading it!

At the poker table, I gave pleasant conversation, people smiled, and I felt as if I became a warm light transforming the sulking faces upside-down. Oh, I still took their money, but at least I was giving a good time in the process! ;) I've recently been having fun with the fact that most people at a poker table don't look like they are having a good time... many of them don't even smile after they win! I get not smiling after a loss, but if ever there was a time to smile at a poker table, wouldn't it be while raking in chips? I made it a goal to get those winners to smile, and I had fun doing it! I became that bright, bubbly, pretty blonde and I played the part as best I could and it felt good! (Is that Linda Low I hear in my head?)

As the poker room was right next to the bar, the cocktail services was amazingly fast. Since there were only three tables, service was also amazingly frequent. About the third hour into play the familiar alert of 'Beverages?' turned into an affected voice. It belonged to an older lady and it was unclear if she had suffered a stroke, but she spoke in a very slow, deliberate manner. She couldn't say 'Vhhh' as in 'BeVhhherages' and much of her speech sounded like that of one who had never heard human speech (like someone born deaf), but who had learned to speak nonetheless.

The fella to my left thought perhaps she was retarded, but when I ordered a drink from her, I saw a very bright woman in her eyes- I connected with her briefly- so I knew that wasn't true; it was only her voice that was affected. Urged by my lunch conversation, I gave her compassion. I felt what must have been a very difficult time in her life (if not now, certainly earlier) and I wanted deeply for her to have a happy day.

After winning back the losses from yesterday, and on the urgings of my stomach, I left for home and fish tacos. What a great day!

I LOVE MY LIFE!

Hee-Haw

Poker players like to call each other names.

Last night, there was a donkey at the table. A donkey is a person who only plays their own cards; they don't consider what cards the other person might be holding. You can make a lot of money off donkeys because they over-value their own hands. In fact, I took about $300 off this guy the night before (that's how I knew he was a donkey!) and I watched him lose a lot more to other players.

That said, it's hard to beat stupid and lucky when they get together. I put this one guy all-in three times last night. Each time, he was giving me even odds on money, while only having a one-in-ten chance of winning, and each time, he won!

To put things in non-poker terms, imagine we play a game where we roll a die. If the die comes up 1, 2, or 3, I'll pay you $100 and if it comes up 4, 5, or 6, you'll pay me $100. At the end of the night, who do you think will win?

If you said 'no one' you're right! You're getting even money (betting $100 to win $100) and the odds of you winning are 50-50, or even.

Now, if instead of a 6-sided die, we played with a 10-sided die, and if I only payed you if the die came up a 1, but you would pay me if it came up 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, or 10 then you might not want to play! You'd be getting even money ($100 to win $100) but only one-to-ten odds to win!

Oh, once in a while, you'd get lucky and roll some 1s, but you'd be stupid to play this game with me and you'd be lucky to win.

Mathematically, that's exactly what happened to me last night. Oh, it was couched in very clever poker plays, filled with traps and guile, but all that work I did was for naught; that donkey kept rolling 1s. Should have won over $1000 but ended up losing $400 on the night (I won money from other players).

Now, it would be very, very easy to exclaim that this person was a horrible player and that he should have been broke 3 times already, but being the classy lady I am, I used a more indirect approach. Each time, I showed my cards to the table, and each time, the table realized that he was 1) making poor calls and 2) lucky - without me saying a word. If fact, sometimes, they said it for me!

No, I handled the defeat with grace but laced with just a hint of disdain. I rolled my eyes in a cute kind of way and said, 'nice hand,' but left after that... the odds of him beating me three times in a row are 1 in 1000. The odds of him beating me four times were 1 in 10000 but the way the night was headed, it felt like a sure thing. Sometimes it's just not your night!

Life in HD

Driving through Vegas is like being in a video game. The senses are assaulted from all sides with larger than life technicolor displays... it's hard not to feel small! The displays are so big that one gets the sense of being in a small room, with the the lights out, and the overall brightness of the surroundings flickering with the intensity of the images on the screen. Except, instead of being inside a small hotel room, one is outside! Yeah, that's how big and bright (and many of) these displays are!

I think the folks out here for the County Music Awards are rubbing off on me!

They drive nice cars... in Vegas.
Every dive is a bar... in Vegas.
In Vegas there are slots that pay us,
Everyone's a winner in Vegas.

The sun is so bright... in Vegas.
As much as the night... in Vegas.
In Vegas, they just don't hate us.
Cause it takes all kinds in Vegas.

The mountains are grand... in Vegas.
And there's lots of sand... in Vegas.
In Vegas, man and wife they'll make us.
We'll get single again in Vegas.

She has her home... in Vegas.
She likes to roam... in Vegas.
In Vegas she is anonymous,
Re-inventing herself in Vegas.

Bad Moon Rising?

There is so much drama going around right now it just breaks my heart. It's also a full moon. Are moon children drawn to personality extremes from the influence of the moon? You don't have to look far to find articles on the trends between moon phases and illness or violence.

Now there were three sexes then,
one that looked like two men back to back;
called them children of the Sun.

And similar in shape and girth
were the children of the Earth,
they looked like two girls rolled up in one.

And the children of the moon
looked like a fork shoved on a spoon
they were part Sun, part Earth, part daughter, part son.

- Stephen Trask, The Origin of Love

I've noticed this trend, but while it may be true that the moon affects us in the same way as the oceans, pulling us here and there, that doesn't explain the full moon incidents... the moon isn't any closer to us when it's full than new, we just see it. The tides come and go even when you can't see the moon, so there must be some other mechanism at work.

In a world without light, I would think the full moons would be joyous times for one could see at night. Similarly, new moons would be most dangerous for walking around after the sun goes down.

Whatever the reason, there's a lot of drama going around and once again, there's a full moon.

The link between the Moon and human behavior is not a new theory; in the 17th century, Sir William Hale, the Chief Justice of England, was explicit about the connection between the Moon and a person’s mental state: “The Moon has great influence on all diseases of the brain, especially dementia.” Well, that would explain the extremes in personality, but most people aren't even aware of the moon, so it must be something deeper.

Speaking of deeper, did you know that like the Earth, below the crust, the Moon is a molten ball of iron?

In any event, the Moon affects the oceans, so it's no small stretch to accept that - at some level - it affects us. But is it always negative? Nah, can't be... it could always be going to extremes, and as we've learned, anything taken to its extreme is absurd, but perhaps there's an opportunity here...

Perhaps if we find ourselves in situations we couldn't normally get out of, going to extremes, while absurd in the long-term, might be beneficial in the short term? That is, if we can consider the direction of the extreme behavior and use the moon as wind for our psychic sails, perhaps it can always be an opportunity for growth.

And as growth often comes with pain, perhaps that's the source of all the drama.

Rest well my friends, heal, and know that when you look at the moon on nights like this, I'll be there with you, gazing in awe at the same ball of metal spinning eternally 'round our heads.

Classy Lady

On his way to the airport, William rang to tell me I was a classy lady. I squealed on the inside! Me! A classy lady! Teehee.

His departure is a poignant reminder of the transient nature of Las Vegas. Save the occasional local you meet, most people are just here for a vacation. It's great being around people having a good time; that was one of the reasons I loved living in London... it seems like here, everyone was there because they loved it.

Your body creates new skin every 7 days, and new organs every 7 years. The memories in your brain persist despite the fact that the cells that created them are no longer in your body. Kinda like the people you meet in Vegas!

Bound To Happen

Won negative money yesterday playing poorly in a game I knew to be bad. Folded when I should have called (or raised when I should have called, depending on your point of view) and lost $50 instead of flopping quads and winning $550. It's hard to call a $200 re-re-raise with pocket 8s and two callers, with one behind already all-in for $150.

I learned many things that night, but the biggest one is that I should have left a $230 winner instead of a $150 loser.

Always one to make lemonade, I made a few new contacts and let a nice, well-off man named Billy buy me dinner.

Losing money hurts me physically. I don't think I'll do it any more!

Locals vs. Tourists

On a tip from Hugh, I checked out Green Valley Ranch today. This place is a long way away, about 20 minutes (all freeway), and I wasn't much impressed. Their poker room is tucked away from all the action of the casino, which I guess makes for a less distracting environment, but I think that makes the game harder for me because I'm bothered less playing around flashy lights and noises than other people. In other words, I want them to be distracted!

The game was pretty lean, lots of locals grinding it out. All locals, save two, as a matter of fact. I got to sit next to one of the tourists, a rather nice man from DC. He helped protect animal rights in experimental settings and was considering becomming a teacher. I thanked him for being such a good guy and encouraged him.

The game was good initially, but then nearly broke up, when a few rocks left and a few loose players left for a larger limit game. The card room then transferred people wanting to play a higher limit game to our table. That's a disadvantage to most lower-limit players, but I just continued to play my game.

I cashed in for $200 and cashed out at $324 two hours later, upset at myself for making a very bad call (cost me $60) and thankful for being able to turn a profit against the rocks in the desert so far from the strip.

I also left because I began to crave the tourists at the MGM, so that's where I went next.

Wouldn't you know it, the first hand I sit down, Simon (from London!) makes it $17 to play. Well, I have 77 and there were three callers, so I decide to see a flop. Flop comes K72 and he bets me all in, so I call and beat his AK and double up on my first hand. Welcome to the table!

Met a nice lady from Nashville, Jennifer, who was a writer for a band doing a performance for the Country Music Awards. She gave me her business card... Joe, I got an in for ya! One sure meets some interesting people at the poker table!

There was a funny guy on my left named Al; he's a wealth manager from Arizona. It was a blast playing with him, we were cracking jokes and he was telling me all about the playing habits of other people at the table. A pretty cool guy he was. Later, he tried to get me to go to the Bellagio and play the 2-5 no-limit game with them. He also tried to convince me the level of play and the cost requirements were the same as the MGM. I declined, played for a bit longer, took a few bad beats, made a very bad fold (would have won $160 more dollars if I called $50) and decided to leave. I cashed in $200 and cashed out $305 in 3 hours.

Playing with the Vegas suburban locals was quite depressing. Playing with the tourists was fun! As I meander through the MGM on a very busy Saturday night, I made a deal with myself: I'll stay in Vegas as long as I love being around all these people. The moment I start dreading the crowds, the drunken laughter and shouting, and the silly behavior is the moment I make plans to leave.

I'm not planning on going anywhere just yet! ;)

Better Than The Day Job

I really wanted to venture out to the other casinos, but something about Friday night at Mandalay Bay lured me back. This is the casino where I first started playing poker in Vegas and it's still my sentimental favorite.

Hugh was on my left. He was wearing a black Harley Davidson hat and a black Harley Davidson shirt. He and his wife both liked bikes. Hugh was a good poker player from Arizona visiting for a few days. He and I shared many a fun moment together analyzing the tourists. I think he thought I was cute, and being the pretty little lady on his right, had no problem keeping him entertained.

I told him I was going to try to make a living at poker, and later he confessed that he was concerned at first, but after watching my play for a while, he said he wasn't anymore and that he fully expected me to do just fine in the World Series. :)

He also suggested I check out Green Valley Ranch, a locals casino off the strip (and far away from me). Said the play was weak; players with lots of money who weren't that good. I thanked him, said I would, and wished him luck as he finally left with his wife.

Cashed in $200 and cashed out $375 in 4 hours of play. I'm averaging as much per hour playing poker as I did working hard writing code. Poker is so much more fun, however. Guess who's decided to become a professional poker player?

Another Day At The Office

The day started off early. I got stood up by that business meeting, but that's okay- I'd already committed myself to being a professional poker player. Don't worry, I'll be writing songs, stories, and other arty things along the way, but I think I've finally turned the corner on programming for hire. :)

I celebrated my decision (and last night's win) with ... you guessed it ... fish tacos, black beans and rice with chips and mango salsa. MMmm!

On the recommendation of Jim, the fella on my left at the Mandalay game, I checked out a site which rates all of the poker rooms in Vegas. Although not yet complete, what was there was pretty comprehensive. The site ranked all of the rooms along several axes (did you know the plural of axis is axes and the plural of ax is axes? Of course you did!) One of the axes was the level of competition to be found in the card room, so rather than risk moving too quickly, I looked at all the casinos which were rated the same in that dimension as was Mandalay. Mandalay was ranked 3 on a scale from 1 (all sharks) to 5 (all fish).

I figured, changing rooms is enough of a change, why not keep the level of competition the same for now and check out the other perks?

It also dawned on me that I could probably narrow the list of rooms down to say, 14, and just rotate one day at each room, thus helping to keep a low profile. I mean, it can't hurt that when I sit down at a table, all the boys lick their chops, thinking they're gonna get my money! ;)

The MGM Grand stood out as a good choice for it was highly rated, so that's where office was today. Their poker room stands out. Whereas the others are usually in a quiet corner of the casino, this one is smack in the middle of the action, closest to the strip entrance, across from the lions (yes, they have live lions), next to a bar featuring go-go dancers on the tables, and adjacent to a sports book.

There is a lot of energy in this poker room!

Before I get there, I look at my casino comp cards and notice that MGM isn't on the three I already have, so I get a fourth. Four. I think nearly all the casinos everyone has heard about- over twenty in all- are owned by just four companies.

Back to the office. Toby McGuire's brother was to my left. I never got his name, and he was not interested in idle conversation with me or anyone else for that matter. My first hand there, we get into a little scuffle chip-wise, before I finally reluctantly conclude that he's not just not trying to bully me into folding, he's got a solid hand. It was the $100 bet on the river that tipped me. I had a strong hand too, but refusing to let ego get in the way, I surrendered my hand to what was probably a better hand. First hand in, down $55.

The very next hand, I get Ace-Queen suited and I raise it to $10. Toby re-raises me to $50. Okay, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, uh-uh. Now everyone else had folded to his re-raise and AQ is a pretty powerful hand heads-up. I figure there's a 30% chance he's bluffing, a 60% chance he has a pair lower than Queens, and a 10% chance he's got Aces or Kings.

In the first case I'll win 70% of the time. In the second case, it's nearly a coin flip, and in the last case, he'll win 70% of the time.

In other words, according to the math, heads-up against this guy, my Ace-Queen is a coin flip. Armed with the knowledge that- over the long run- I'm getting even money, I try to push the odds in my favor psychologically. I tell him, "Okay buddy, let's dance!" and I put all my chips in the middle.

It was a bold move, and I was telling this guy in no quiet way that he was not going to push me around at that table. I fully expected him to fold, but he surprised me by calling! Later, I would realize that the average pots before I got there were around $20, and here in the two hands I sat down, already we had a $120 pot and now a $345 pot! Tee hee!

He flips over Kings. I'm excited- I have an overcard, and seeing how everyone else folded pre-flop, odds were there were three live Aces in the deck. That means I had 5 chances to get 3 of 43 cards, or roughly 25%. I wasn't getting even money like I had hoped, but I wasn't dominated.

The flop comes an Ace and I collect a nice pot and cultivate a great table image. You see, even if I had lost, the entire table watched me go all-in with Ace-Queen. That means when I have AA and raise in a similar manner, they are much more likely to call me, so the long term expected value of this very aggressive tactic is generally worth the risk, but I still was counting on Toby to fold. He didn't stay much longer after that hand.

Later, I made a couple of really good folds, letting go of big hands when it became clear I wasn't going to win. It's hard kissing $60 good-bye when you expect to win $150, but it's a lot better than kissing $260 good-bye!

After the entire table dropped jaws on one monster I folded (again, to a bigger hand) the fella to my right, a nice chap from Manchester leans over and says, "It's not about how much money you win, but how much you don't lose." How true indeed. That's the secret, really, isn't it? Right smart guy he was!

So we chatted and he drank a LOT (hey, he's from the UK) and had a pleasant time. He told me about a few up-and-coming indie bands, we shared culture stories and generally took a lot of money off the table.

I bought in for $200; at my height I was up to $465, fell below $400 only to climb back over twice, then decided, after a random comment that some people don't know when to quit, that $200/day is a great wage for just playing poker, especially if it was just for 4 hours of work!

I said my good-byes, picked up a $5 comp and headed home early and tossed a salad. (No, not like THAT!)

As I was leaving the MGM, Stephen, the guy from Manchester, asked me what else I had to do. I told him that all I have to do is eat, sleep, exercise and play poker. He replied, "you just described my fantasy!"

Life is good!

First Day on the Job

Today was my first 'official' day as a professional poker player! I had played four times prior in the past two weeks, but my mind was not yet in the game as I had not yet found housing, transportation, or sustenance. Call it vacation, call it warm-up, call it minimum wage, but it was not Clio at her best.

This lovely day started with a visit to the sushi shop down on the corner. Last time I was there, I tipped the chef $5 on a $17 bill, and this time, he thanked me by giving me a huge pile of seaweed salad! Probably 3- to 4-times more than I used to get in Atlanta and Muncie! (Wakame is expensive, like $5 for a tiny plate full... so getting a big plate full is a big deal! Even if it is just ocean grass!) Whoo-hoo! The salmon and eel was cut so long and thick, each piece of nigiri gave two sensuous mouthfuls. Mmmm... sushi...

And since I live on Rainbow Blvd, and since I live with a gay roomie, I walked next door and got some Nat Sherman Rainbow fags. Tee-hee! Great smokes! If that wasn't enough... to get the condo from the strip, you take Tropicanna to Rainbow Blvd... and you'll never guess what's at that corner! A bright pink house! Haha, no kidding! I even remember seeing it a long time ago when last I was in Vegas (or maybe the time before). I always find it fascinating to realize that I now live so close to something I've seen before.

Anyway, speaking of gay, Bradly had a new boy toy stop by today, and he arrived just as I was leaving. OMG, yummy! He's a 'visual supervisor' for DKNY and totally looks the part. Italian models, eat your hearts out... total heart throb!

On a tip from Bradly's sis, I played at Mandalay Bay. Lots of young, well-off guys who weren't afraid to throw chips around. It was a slow game at first, but it livened up as the night went on. There were some fun highlights. I joined them from 4pm to 11pm, cashed in $200 and cashed out $400... all in all, a good day at the office!

Afterward, I savored the Vegas night, and on a whim, stopped at a grocery store I had not yet checked out. Ended up buying just about everything I loved from back home, which is a big deal, because it's the 5th grocery store I've been too looking for specific items and the only one that has just about everything. They even provide a channel for requesting the good stuff, and wouldn't you know it, the only fat-free tomato-based dressing in the store made without high-fructose corn syrup (evil) was the store brand! Yay Albertsons!

Oh yeah, also scheduled an interview with a company that specializes in health-care research. Someone's boss wants to meet me before they go on vacation. Not sure I want a day job, but I admired the work the company was doing, so I agreed to meet. (Why not?) Suspicious of this just being a ploy to find out if I'm really "living in Vegas" because the letter starts out, "I know this is short notice, but can you meet at 10AM tomorrow?"

It's nearly 2am now, and the water goes out tomorrow for "emergency repairs" from 8am to 2pm, so that means I gotta get up early if I'm going to look the part! Tomorrow's forecast? Light sleep, busy morning with a 50% chance of an afternoon nap. Models indicate that later in the evening there will be a strong influx of cash and a happy, thankful, peaceful night.

The Secret - Clio's Notes

Recently watched The Secret courtesy of my awesome roommie, Bradly. I was quite shocked to see in a concise and well-presented format (with an engaging soundtrack) the summary of conclusions from all knowledge gained and lessons experienced throughout my life! And more!

There is a LOT of philosophical thought that has gone into the Secret. Shades of Hedonism, a whole lot of Taoism, a good part of applied theoretical Quantum Physics, a dash of Karma, and sprinkled throughout with the Power of Positive Thinking. I fundamentally believe, with every fiber of my being that thoughts become reality (I've even written that down before!), but until now, I lacked a framework for putting that belief into practice.

That's what this video provides. And, if after all, the Secret is meant to be shared, I can only be too happy to oblidge by sharing my notes taken while watching it! My insights are in []'s... enjoy! ;)

The World's Greatest Discovery: You can have, do, or be anything you want.

The secret is the answer to all that has been and all that will ever be.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Secret is based on one fundamental law...

The Law of Attraction
Everything that is comeing into your life, you attract in your life by virture of the images in your mind... by what you are thinking!

Think of yourself as a magnet: like attracts like, but now at the level of thought.

You become what you think about most, but you attract what you think about most.

Thoughts become things. (Thoughts become reality.)

Each thought has a measurable frequency... but is grammar independent!

Problem: most people think about what they don't want, and thus, it shows up again and again. E.g., debt, being late, bad service, worries, etc. [E.g., think of debt, the universe provides debt!]

Think of what you want, and focus on it with all of your attention and the universe will provide.

Whenever you are thinking, you are invoking the law of attraction. There is no pause!

Thoughts bring about creations. Don't think about what you don't want. ;) Focus on what you want.

Postive outlooks attract positive people. Negative outlooks -> negative people.

What you think about, you bring about. Your life is the physical manifestation of the thoughts in your head.

Take heart! Postive thoughts are 100 times more powerful that negative thoughts! And, there is a time delay, which serves you, allowing you to re-assess, make new choices. (Imagine if everything appeared as you thought it!)

[But it's up to you to mind the coincidences and take action... the universe just provides... YOU must take action!]

Everything that surrounds you in your life, you've attracted. Even the bad stuff. Take responsibility, stop complaining.

Most attract by default, being auto-pilot. You may ask, "I have to monitor my thoughts?"

Yes!

Hire a researcher to build a thought-monitoring program? Maybe... but...

Can use feelings; they let us know what we are thinking. Emotions are gifts. From best to worst:

• Good
• love
• gratitude
• joy
• passion
• happiness/excitement
• joyful expectation
  
• hope
  
• satisfaction
  

• Bad
• disdain
• annoyance
• worry
• criticism/blame
• anger
• revenge
• hate
• resentment
• guilt
• depresion
• fear

[Seen this before in Power vs. Force... another book I haven't yet summarized! In that book, the author presents- convincingly- these feelings as a way of measuring progress toward enlightenment.]

Feel good? Keep doing that! Feel bad? Change! Feeling good creates a future that is on track with your desires, feeling bad is one that is off track.

Don't worry, don't have fear, it only brings more of that in your life.

Whatever you are thinking of today is your future!

You get what you are feeling, not what you are thinking about... that's why a bad start to a day spirals for most people.

Start each day feeling great!

Your thoughts and your feelings create your life.

You creat your own univers as you go along.
- Winston Churchill

Feeling good is important in order to keep attracting those things that will take you higher.

Think of a baby you love and you'll feel good. Think of your pet.

Become a deliberate creator of your life.

How To Use The Secret
Like Aladdin and the lamp. "Your wish is my command." The wishes are unlimited. The label is unimportant: higher self, guardian angel, etc.

Step 1: Ask. Make a command to the universe, let the universe know what you want.
E.g., I am so happy and grateful now that ...
Write it down!

Step 2: Believe. Believe that it is already yours. Have faith, believing in the unseen. The universe will arrange itself to bring to you what you want. You don't need to know how it will happen, it will be shown to you, you'll attract the way.

Don't become doubtful!!! Replace that feeling with one of unwavering faith: I know, I know, I know!

Step 3: Receive. Begin to feel wonderful about it, feel the way you will feel when it arrives- feel it now! It is important to feel good when doing it so that you emit the proper signal! It is a feeling universe... you have to feel it!

After turning the first fantasy to fact, you're ready to do it again, and that's the creative process. Test drive the dream car, house shop, etc.

[Or in my case, you can't be at the final table if you aren't in Vegas come July, so, MOVE TO VEGAS!]

Should not feel, "I should be doing this, but I would hate that..." that's not effective. Should feel joyous, alive, like time stops, and you can do all day.

Universe likes speed: [so does Clio, mixed with ecstacy!] don't delay, don't second guess, don't doubt... when the opportunity is there, when the impulse is there, when the intuitive nudge is there, ACT. That's your job, that's all you have to do but you must do it!

[Mind the coincidences! Another book not yet summarized - the Celestine Prophecy - also made into a movie and worth watching.]

You will attract everything you require. People, money, books. Pay attention to what you are attracted to! Thought moves into physical reality through you!

Life unfolds 200ft at a time! (Ref: to driving at night from LA to NewYork; can't see whole journey, just a few hundred feet at a time.)

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. Dr. - Martin Luther King Jr.

How long will take? Dunno. It's a matter of you being in alignment with the universe.

[Follow Tao!]

Size is of no matter to the universe, everything requires zero effort for the universe.

You provide the feelings of having it now, the universe will provide you with the means to get there. E.g., hold the image of an old friend and soon, you'll get a phone call or someone will ask you about them! E.g., visualizing car park spots and 'getting lucky' and finding one.

[The power of positive thinking... seeing the card you want flopping... visualizing that WSOP bracelet around my wrist...]

The Secret Powerful Process
Your current circumstances are just the residual outcome of your past. Not who you are, it's who you were!

Don't fear or dread bills in the mail... expect checks in the mail!

All that we are is the result of what we have thought.
- Buddha

Gratitude: make of list of things to be grateful for. Things you feel good about.

What we think about and thank about, we bring about. Get up every morning and say thank you. Not rote routine, but putting out the feelings of gratitude. Be grateful for what you have.

"Gratitude rocks." Attitude of gratitude.

Visualize: when you visualize, you materialize; the mind doesn't know the difference!
If you go there in the mind, you go there in the body.

Dwell upon the end result when you visualize.

Must feel joyous, happiness, loving, thankful when visualizing.

The seeing will be an open dooirway.

What this power is I cannot say, all I know is that it exists.
- Alexander Grahm Bell

The 'how' will show up in the belief and commitment in the what. The 'hows' are the domain of the universe. It always knows the shortest, quickest, most harmonious way for your dream. This is where majik and miracles happen. [esp. if you are used to following Tao!]

Do it daily, it should never be a chore. [like meditation]

Be high, happy, in tune when you do it.

Make a habit of using the law of attraction, remember to use it all the time.

Don't give up! Believe! Create a vision board.

Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attrqactions.
- Albert Einstein.

Decide what you want.
Believe that you can have it.
Believe you deserve it.
Believe it is possible for you.

Close your eyes every day for several minutes, and visualize having what you already want and feeling the feelings of already having it. Come out of that and focus on what you are grateful for already... really enjoy it.

Go into your day and release it into the universe and trust that the universe will figure out how to manifest it.

The Secret to Money

Whatever the mind of man can concieve, it can achieve.
- William Stone

When you have an inspired thought, you have to trust it, you have to act on it.

"I would like to win the 2008 WSOP Main Event Bracelet."

Focus on abundance. Focus on prosperity.

Mantra: Money comes easily and frequently.

Life is meant to be abundant in all areas. [Shed puritan, 'life is hard' beliefs?]

We really want happiness.

The Secret to Relationships
We are creators of our universe, every wish of what we want to create will manifest itself in our life.

Understand yourself! Enjoy your own company! Do you treat yourself the way you want others to treat you? Fall in love with yourself. As you love yourself, you'll love others, they'll love you.

Write a list everyday of the things you appreciate about the other person.

We create our own happiness through the law of attraction.

The Secret to Health
Our body is the product of our thoughts. E.g., Placebo effect.

Stress is the source of all dis-ease!

The body lets us know through dis-ease that we do not have a balanced perspective and we're not loving. The symptoms, like pain, are signs to change!

Dis-ease cannot live in a body that is in a healthy, loving state. See yourself living in a perfectly healthy body, don't create more dis-ease by discussing it with family, friends. Let the doctor worry about it. Focus on all the things for which you are grateful.

Happy thoughts = happy biochemistry.

Remove the stress and the body will heal itself.

Incurable = curable from within.

Man [woman] becomes what he [she] thinks about.

The Secret to the World
Anything we focus on, we help create by adding energy to it.

What you resist persists.
- Carl Jung

Anti-X movements create more X.

Believe in trust, love, living in abundance, education, peace.

If you're anti-war, be pro-peace instead!

When the voice and the vision on the inside become more profound and clearer and louder than the opinions on the outside, you've mastered your life.

Learn to become still and take attention away form what you don't want and all the emotional charge around it and place the attention on what you wish to experience.

Energy flows where attention goes.
[and Love flows where Rosemarie goes]

Go with the flow of the universe. [Follow your Tao!]

There's more than enough good to go around, even if everyone uses the secret... we all want different things.

Every great teacher has taught that life is supposed to be abundant.

Recognize the wonderful things around you and bless and praise them.

Empower and share with others.

The Secret to You
Everything is made of the same thing: energy.

Universe -> galaxy -> planets -> plants -> animals -> individuals -> organs -> cells -> molecules -> atoms -> energy.

You are not this finite body, you are an energy field. [Your hand is not solid, but rather appears that way due to the forces of repulsion of the electrons in the atoms of which your hand is made... there is plenty of space for you to push your hand through the table... but you can't cause of energy forces! Accepting/knowing that as truth was a first step for me in my current beliefs for it taught me to see things in the very small and also, the very large.]

What creates the world? Energy. What is energy? Physics says it is never created or destroyed, always existed, moves in/out/through form. What is God? Theologians say same thing!

We're all connected, we just don't see it.

You are God manifest in human form. You are perfection.

We are another way in which the universe is becoming conscious of itself.

All power is from withing and is therefore under our own control.
- Robert Collier

Most come from dysfunctional homes. That's called so what. The real what is what are you going to do now?

You are the designer of your destiny. The pen is in your hand, and the outcome is whatever you choose.

Begin where you are. Think and generate within yourself a tone of happiness and the universe will respond.

Break free from hereditary patterns, cultural pattens, etc.

Whether you think you can or you can't, either way, you are right.
- Henry Ford

The Secret to Life
You make your own purpose. The mission is the mission you give yourself.

If it ain't fun, don't do it. ;)

Inner happiness is the fuel of success.

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.
- Joseph Campbell

Your bliss becomes contagious.

The last frontier is mind.

You are born to add value to this world, to simply be the best you can be. Every single thing you've been through, encountered is to prepare you for this moment right now. Imagine what you will do from this day forward from what you now know! How will you seize the moment?

Who you are, what you do, begins right now.

The moment you begin to think properly, the something that is within you this power within you that is greater than the world, it will begin to emerge it will take over your life. It will feed you, it will clothe you, it will guide you, protect you, direct you, sustain your very existence, if you let it.

Head's Down 'til Heads Up

We made it... Vegas.

The WSOP starts in 20 days, just a mile down the street.

All the bills are paid; home, car, food.

All the responsibilities are completed.

Now I just need to get a buy-in.

So... the training begins. You'll find me at the office every day up to and through the main event... there's nothing left but to play some cards!

Contacting Clio

If you want to contact me, please do!

Clio loves email.
Clio does skype.
Clio has a mobile.

If you don't have any of the necessary ingredients for your communication mode of choice, send me a note here and I'll ring ya back!

So Happy...

Dear friends,

You've watched me struggle through, living the past two years in Midwest America. You've watched me make lemonade, lemon pie, lemon cookies... You've watched me struggle first with gender dysphoria, then with the prejudice from living as I truly am. Some of you even helped me through the rougher times. You've watched me despair and rejoice over big life in small town.

Whatever madness that kept me there has finally subsided. Whatever unhappiness crept into my soul is being purged. I miss my friends, but life out here is so much different than home (as was London).

Come celebrate with me now as a new wave of optimism, hope, joy, and love enter my life in this new phase of adventures. We finally reach the end of the beginning... the last page in what was a tumultuous chapter in my life.

As you know, I left for Vegas with no home, no car, no job, just a suitcase and a dream in the desert. Now, I'm in a nice apartment in a complex covered with trees of all kinds - evergreens, maples, ash, and of course, palm - plus there are bushes, and even grass lawns - all meticulously maintained! In fact, if one ignores the Spanish-style construction, it feels like inside an Atlanta apartment complex!

The miracle of it all is that this is a desert, most everywhere else has just palm trees (if any trees at all) with no bushes and rocks for grass. (Clio took trees for granted back home, but here in the desert, the shade they provide is a 'hot' commodity! Truly, she found an oasis, but not just of plants!

Oh, and did I tell you about my awesome new rommie? Brad is an amazing young man, teen-mag handsome, interesting, world traveled, and very accepting, gentle, and caring. He was there in my hour of greatest need, for true, a jewel in the desert.

The mountains, just miles away provide a sensual palette of reds and browns and at the top... blue hues and white snow-capped peaks!

Today it rained from moisture-rich clouds pushed over the mountain tops by the pacific winds, but unlike California where the sky turns gray when this happens, here in the desert, overhead remained blue with just a dark patch floating across with vertical shadows... the rain never hit the ground! Quite an amazing site, really, to be under a rain shower but not get wet!

The local sushi shop, for there seems to be one on every block, serves the thickest, longest pieces I've seen. Quite tasty, and next to a high-end tobacco shop I'll never want for 'luxury prostitute cigarettes.' On this same block is a Baja Fresh (fish tacos, fish tacos, fish tacos!!!) and a short drive away you find Whole Foods and more of my favorite shopping stores.

Oh yeah, and there's this thing called, 'the strip' nearby - maybe you've heard of it - and of course, the Rio (where the WSOP is held) and more poker rooms than I ever hoped for.

Life is good!

Loving Las Vegas,
Clio

Searching For Sanctuary

More adventures on Craigslist...

The place I was planning on staying at for two weeks while I found a place to stay for three months turned out not so good. Vedran, an otherwise awesome guy, tried to pick me up from the airport, but didn't realize I had already rented a car. He gives me directions to his place, very close to the strip in a nice little neighborhood and we start to fix pasta with veggies. Yum!

He said he was a painter, but I soon found out that he didn't mean in the 'artist' sense, rather in the 'paints buildings' sense. Okay, that's cool, I'm just excited the place is clean! Well, if it were my place, it would be cleaner, but this would certainly do for two weeks!

I noticed he inhaled his food, but didn't give it much thought. Later, I realized that at some point over dinner, he figured out my little secret, and that must have made him uncomfortable. I assumed he woofed down his food normally, but I guess he just wanted dinner to be over.

Later, he entertains me with videos of live concert footage from Ramstein (Du... du haist... du haist me- means You... you hate... you hate me) The concerts were held in London, Tokyo, Russia, and Paris; a pretty cool European band in an Eastern-block kind of way. If you've never seen the band, they are like German gothic heavy metal. Vedran's skin-head references keep growing and I suddenly noticed his shaved head.

Wanting to get started on my flat search, I leave Vedran early (probably to his relief) and when I call him back the next day on a good time to move in, he lets me know that the deal is off.

I sat in my car surrounded by beautiful mountains and clear blue sky and cried. Not because he rejected me, that was his problem, but now I was in pretty dire straits.

I only allowed myself a few minutes before getting back into survival mode. I get back to the hotel, keep the room for another week (but only after pleading for a good rate) and start looking for a new place.

This time, I don't tiptoe around:

3 Months, Cash, Upfront...WSOP player looking for a nice place May-Jul

Hello!

I'll be in Vegas for three months from May 1 to Aug 1 and am looking for someone cool (drama-free) to rent a room from as close to the office (Rio poker room) as possible. I'll pay for the entire time upfront, in cash, and I leave places better than I find them! :)

I'm professional, educated, traveled, healthy, 420 friendly, clean, and very respectful. Not that it should matter in the slightest, but since I'm not here to deal with bigots or sheltered breeders, you should know that while I look, act, and identify as a fit, attractive female, I'm really a M2F transsexual, pre-OP, 8 mos HRT.

If this sounds good to you, please respond with a phone number and I'll call right away!

Refs upon request.

And that's how I met Brad.