The Punchline

Okay, I know my last posts about Mr. Big have lacked that certain... je ne sais quoi. Sure, it was surreal enough, but was Clio surreal?

In a word, no.

Thank you, World for fixing that tonight. What happened you ask?

Well, I'm watching TV... Monday night football. Not my usual choice, but the Colts are my only real link to the culture here. I go out in my pink Manning jersey and I get instant street cred. Or sidewalk cred anyway.

So I'm watching TV... on comes a commercial for a jewelry store.

Yes... THAT jewelry store!

OMG! How funny is that?!?! I suck one dick and now, 'lo and behold, there's the owner's smiling face looking down at me from wall! Shelarious!

And then I notice all the diamonds. Wow, it's a nice store!

To be continued...

It's Genetic!

This news bulletin just in: Male Transsexual Gene Link Found!

So there's this gene which is somehow involved with how your body processes testosterone. Apparently, mine is longer than found in most males which makes that androgen receptor less efficient at doing testosterone-y things, the most significant of which is turning the female foetus that we all begin life as into a male one.

Another news article from the BBC shows that there are some tell-tale traits of transsexuals: which hand we favour, the prints on our hands - events that are known to be set down during the first 15 weeks of pregnancy. Mum was left-handed too; I got my creativity from her. The number of maternal aunts was an indicator too; there are many, many sisters on my mom's side of the family.

Now this is not new news; researchers have long suspected there was a genetic link to transsexualism; they're just now being able to prove it.

Geez, I was lucky. I was lucky I eventually figured out what was wrong, lucky to have had the internet (years ago) to research it, lucky to have met the transsexual people who helped my along the journey, lucky to be able to self medicate, and lucky that my body has been so receptive to the hormones, though we just learned, that might have a genetic component.

This research goes some way to unravelling the mystery that is the horror of being trapped in the wrong sex body.
- Professor Richard Green, Imperial College, London

Aw, it's only horrific at first. I feel pretty darn privileged to be able to experience a life on both sides of the gender divide, and ultimately, a life that transcends gender. No doubt, I enjoyed being a boy, and I love being a girl!

Unfortunately, I don't think this news will help my parents. They already feel like they did something wrong that turned me into me. If my mom found out it was genetic, especially with the aunts thing, to her it would sound like I'm blaming the whole thing on her!

And I don't mean to blame it on you ma, but tell me on that morn,
Did you chance any soft hosannas, did ya dig my daddy, when I was born?

Mama, how'd you get a child who's so forlorn?
Did you, did you love my daddy when I was born?
- J. Meltzer, unpublished single

Summer 2008 Soundtrack

Moving to Vegas, it was a beautiful scene... the Sun Is Shining... it's a Soul Heaven and the Sound of Freedom was calling me.

I realized When I Grow Up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have boobies.

I played in the WSOP, but What Hurts the Most is being so close... and not winning. I needed a Miracle, but this time there was no Angel.

Then life seemed to Speed Up. I was Back To Zero.

I became Faded. Now that the Love Is Gone, I'm Uninvited.

I Can't Help Myself... I Kissed A Girl. I kissed a man. We start to Get It On... but he doesn't know my secret. He doesn't let me stand underneath his Umbrella.

So I left Vegas, Bleeding Love, but I had to Keep On Trying, to Keep On Rising. I know I have but I don't know for why. Let Me Think About It.

I watched DeLovely and it made my heart weep for that partner that together, we'd make the perfect team. Deep I Night, I cried. I longed for someone to be with. Someone to go Chasing Cars with. You know, Being In Love? Would I ever find a Love Like This?

And so I composed an Anthem for the girl that got away. You're on my heart, just like a Tattoo, but one day we'll be Together, one heart, one mind.

And so the Journey Continues... can't wait to See You Again. After all, Don't Cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

So don't worry about me, I'll be Just Fine. Just Please Don't Stop The Music.

Mr. Big

So I don't hear from Mr. Testorosa the next day, but I'm not worried. I know he's got plenty of seductive images in his brain... he'll get in touch eventually.

And so he does!

Gary: R u a s/m?

[Am I a sado-masochist? huh? i guess it depends on who you ask! Ooooh, shemale. he must have felt me up while I was sleeping!]

Clio: Yes, I am transsexual... I live full time as a woman... passport, d/l, everything. Does that change things? People usually get to know me before putting hands down my pants. Sorry you didn't know sooner... I enjoyed your company!

[Playing innocent, for real this time.]

Gary: It's totally dif for me. I loved u sucking me, but who wouldn't. Ur a very fine, very creative n very smart person n i love that. I had a great time at ur place. I don't judge people, I judge honest n integrity.

[Of course you loved me sucking you. That means you're a man. You might have been my first, but I was more than familiar with the concept of good blow jobs. Don't judge me!]

Clio: You're sweet. I didn't tell you in bed because I didn't want you to leave. It's a long story. I was selfish, so I'm sorry 4 that.

[You know the story. I wasn't going to force him to accept my full complexity.]

Gary: It's okay. Although Id don't want to have anal sex under these circumstances, i really like u n would have that party with u. But i'm pure hetero.

[Woah. That thing of yours is bigger than anything I've ever seen come out of me. No way is that thing going in me!]

[Of course you want to party with me. I know how to party!]

[Straight? LMAO. If I had a nickel every time a straight man says he's pure hetero after a sexual experience with another man, I'd be richer than Bill Gates.]

Clio: Just treat me like a lady... that's all I ask. You're too big for me anyway! I'll get better at the sucking!

[setting the stage for bartering sex for jewelry...]

Clio: It's not a gay thing... I identity as female, not gay! Gay men are into gay men... not girls like me!

[It's true. I'm pretty girly as far as gay men go.]

Gary: Got it. Ur the best. I respect n accept u as a sexy, beautiful lady n i had a great time wed nite. I'd like to do the party, especially if several guests will suck on me.

[That's me a sexy beautiful lady... wha-wha-what? Okay sure, bring some girlfriends. Now we're really gonna party.]

Clio: You can bring girls if you want...

[Now we're really gonna party!]

Gary: I was thinking there might be some there

[We have just lost cabin pressure. Please use the oxygen mask in front of you, and return all seats and trays to their upright position.]

Clio: LOL! You want free drugs and girls? How generous are you? If I'm just a fluffer to you... Applebees don't come close!

[Okay, the ball is in your court! I've thrown you a soft one. Throw a touchdown! Hit something with a stick...]

Gary: Like i said... i had a great time with u.

[Indeed! who wouldn't!]

Clio: Is that a yes?

24 hours later, still no response.

Wow, he wants me to throw a cock sucking party where he's the guest of honor. Haha. I can't be surprised that he's a dick... that much was very obvious from the start. I just hoped to maybe get a little something out it. Eh, I was too good. He'll be back. All it takes is one text from me pretending to have a bunch of girls over and he'll be begging to visit, and he can - provided he brings a rock with him!

And if he doesn't, well, if I'm ever filming a porno and need a 12"er with a hot car, I know who to call.

Italian Cars & Fried Food

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Haiku For Two Teeth

Chip two nails today,
Smile, chip my two front teeth
A Kodak moment!

Hope my nail file
Smooths sharp edges in my mouth
Like it does fingers.

But do not despair!
Even the Mona Lisa
Is falling apart!

Probably No Busses

In the place where I want to live, where I loved to live, there are busses with signs on them that read:

There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.

Wow. You can tell they are having fun at the Church's expense too, quoting them as saying, "Bendy buses are evil." Well, maybe that's true... they did replace the double-decker routemaster busses.

Of course, the obvious parry by the Church is:

God is dead. Nietzsche (1890).
Nietzsche is dead. God (1900).

Though it's hard to pick on a man who's written a book called The Gay Science.

It's all such a change from here, where there are no busses (with or without slogans) and where I'm voting for our country's leader inside a church.

I mean, if you believe there really is a President of the United States...

Midwest Adventures

Walking to Walmart in order to procure today's food, and some bathroom supplies, it's hard not to notice the wind, for there certainly is a lot of it. Being in the sun would provide warmth if only it were a calm day. Instead, we cover up in jeans, a long top and a wool sweater. It's a otherwise perfect fall day.

The route from home brings me to the back of the store, and I walk around to the front, I decide to treat myself by having someone else cook my food, so I continue trekking across the parking lot, through a field, another parking lot, and finally to Taco Bell.

There's no one at the front counter. I'm in no hurry. Finally a young man comes up to the counter and asks for my order.

"A grilled stuffed burrito please, no meat & fresco style."

Freso-style is their code word for either "healthy" or "vegan" depending on your outlook. What it means is add salsa fresca, but remove all cheese and dairy-based sauces. You know, all the fattening, non-nutritional stuff? Their codeword revolutionized my ordering at Taco Bell; I could finally order from the menu and just add one word (two actually) and get what I want with no fuss.

He's having trouble figuring out how to make the order. A supervisor comes over to assist.

"What kind of meat did you want?"

"No meat, fresco-style please." If you say fresco-style first, it confuses them. They want meat first. Or in my case, no meat first.

The manager helps him and walks away.

"Anything else?"

"A Mt. Dew Baja Blast please, and that's all."

He punches away at his register.

I notice there's water dripping from his elbows. His hairy arms are quite obviously wet.

I'm curious. "How's your day?"

He laughs and for a second, relaxes into a comfortable grin. "It's a good day. How are you?"

"Great! The sun's shining, it's wonderfully warm fall day."

"Yeah, I get off work here soon; I want to go fishing."

I can't resist. "Oooh, gonna catch some dinner?"

"Yeah."

OMG, he going to eat what he catches! "Where do you fish around here?"

"Oh, I live up by Moresville, and there's lots of little ponds around there."

He hands me a receipt and starts to head to the back of the store.

"Good luck fishing!" I remind him I'm still there.

"Thanks. Enjoy your food."

And I am, when I notice a woman coming in with her young son. He looks immersed in his own world and she's definitely in her own world. They sit down across from me and I quickly feel sympathy for the boy, for I remember being in his shoes. His mother is being quite negative. "I don't want to sit here," was her response to where he wanted to sit. "Don't you want to look out the window instead?" she said as he picked a seat in the booth she desired. "Don't get that out now, it's time to eat." was her response when she saw him get out a book. Just after that, she got on the phone, ignoring her meal. I never had much respect for "do as I say, not as I do," and I could tell this kid was not oblivious to the hypocrisy by the look of frustration that fell across his face.

A few minutes into the conversation, I hear her say (well, the whole store could have heard it, but just I was there) that she was really mad because she asked for extra cheese and there's hardly any on there.

If you know me and my struggles to get cheese-free products from fast food stores, then you can appreciate the smile across my face as I imagine a food product that is so overwhelmed with cheese that it might as well be called cheese with X. I imaged her still being upset at this, wanting essentially a dinner of nothing but cheese.

Evidently, the boy had similar thoughts! Upon hearing his mother's comments, I watched him look over his food at her dinner and his face was priceless! His eyes bugged out and his jaw dropped. LOL. I couldn't help but giggle as he looked up to see if anyone else was in on the joke. I was, so I flashed a wide smile to him and just for a moment, we connected. We laughed together in silence before going back to our meals.

A young girl stares me down as I'm leaving. I think she thinks I'm cute. Either that or she thinks I'm a boy... it's hard to tell sometimes, except that the latter hasn't happened in a while. As I go by, return the gaze. She's pretty. I smile and catch her eye, and her eyes smile back. Her face smiles too, and like a guy, her head turns watching me leave.

Lookit me, turning heads! Teehee.

Walmart was considerably less exciting. A cute young girl, maybe 2 or 3 comes up to me and says hi as I'm looking for a red pepper. She was adorable! Just after, a lady saddles her cart next to mine and exclaims there must be a celery shortage. I point her eyes to the sorry state of the peppers and fruit and suggest that perhaps Meyers might have fresher produce. "Will you please take me and give me a ride home?" I don't ask. "Thanks, I'll try there!"

It's a simple life here in Waldeniana.

The Reality

My company is looking for new office in this bustling city square. Our competition is seated at one end and our options are either a beautiful modern building overlooking the square directly opposite, or an upper level suite in an older Parisian-style row home along the adjacent side.

We're walking as a group inside the new building when suddenly, I find myself walking alone, outside, headed away from the square, down a lane that runs diagonally to this building. (How did I get here?) Then I notice that I'm walking my parent's dogs, Pheobe and Chester. (Where did they come from?) The questions leave my mind as soon as they enter. The question of how Chester came back from the grave never enters my mind. We are going down a countryside residential road, like what you'd see in Tennessee, where people actually cluster in the hills. Everything grows wild here, and the dirt path is marked on both sides by rows of grass, weeds, flowers, and ivy. There is a wire fence which separates the road from the fields, and occasionally this is interrupted by a driveway into the occasional run-down 70s-style American ranch home.

Pheobe is staying with me but Chester has run off way ahead. I can't find him, and I'm starting to have reservations about walking alone this far away from the square, so I turn around, calling him, figuring that he'll eventually come back. Phoebe's happy to head back there too, her spirit obviously raised by the decision.

We're almost back to the square, in a modern city, nowhere near this walk through the countryside, and Chester returns with another dog. This one is white, very homely, and not altogether friendly looking. I think he's some kind of English hound. I try to pet him, but he doesn't like this. Instead of biting me however, he returns from where he came.

Suddenly, I'm transported instantly to a bedroom, like a dorm room, with concrete floors, two beds... perhaps in the basement of the row home on the side of the square that looked like it came directly from Montemartre. I have a roommate. She's doing something - I can't recall what - and we're talking about something- I can't remember that either. She's helping me with some kind of problem, but then leaves me alone and, having nothing to do, I clean the room and put away some things before lying again in bed and relaxing into a deep sleep.

I wake up from my dreams. From the amount of light coming in through the drawn shades, it's early, maybe 9am. Having nothing better to do this Sunday, I brush my teeth and get back into bed, content to just lie there. I go back to sleep, hoping to continue the dream and explore the surroundings a bit more. I've been there before, and the elements of this unexplored world are coming together into a whole, but the puzzle still misses too many pieces. I can tell though that this realm encompasses several recurring dreams over the past few years.

I wake up again, and again force myself to stay in bed... what is there to get up for?

The pattern of waking, realizing I'm depressed, and sinking back comfortably in bed continues, but this time, without the dreams.

Now the light from the windows is hinting that it's mid-afternoon. I get up and head into the bathroom. I look like a woman, but I don't feel like one. I grab the tweezers and start plucking hairs from my face - my daily routine begins. Around 100 hairs later, I disappear into the shower. Upon returning, I grab the epilator, pluck the rest of the hairs on my face, wash, exfoliate, and moisturize, and finally emerge fresh, clean, and smooth.

I put lotion on all over my body. I'm too poor now to afford the scented lotion I love so much, so instead I'm using a cheap one that is moisturizing, but doesn't smell pretty. It's game day, so I put on a pair of jeans and a pink Dolce & Gabanna long sleeve stretch under a pink Colt's jersey, #18 - Manning. Sandra gave me the shirt; I never would have bought the D&G shirt, but now I love wearing it, and it's the perfect compliment to the jersey. It has become my weekly link to her and to Italy.

I go back into the bathroom and quickly apply some makeup- blush, eyeliner, shadow, and mascara. I don't need foundation anymore because I'm pulling out my facial hair instead of shaving it. I curl my hair. I see a pretty woman in the mirror now. We smile at each other for moment. Satisfied with what I see, it's time to make lunch.

No one is coming over today, but nonetheless, I still go through same routine as I do every day. No one comes over on those days either, but that doesn't matter. I'm not getting myself pretty for anyone but me, which is a good thing, because me is all there is.

Lunch today is going to be a healthy stir-fry. Noodles, carrots, water chestnuts, peas and broccoli with a light teriyaki sauce. Not my favorite meal, but nonetheless the highlight of the day... my one meal. One meal is all I can afford now, so I thoroughly enjoy the process of cooking it and eating it. Even cleaning the dishes and appliances is a meditation to be enjoyed.

Eating one meal a day isn't not so bad; you get used to it quickly. Oh, my stomach growled at night or the first week and there were hunger pangs that came with it, but a hungry stomach to me feels like a muscle that's exercising, so in the same way that a slow burn from a workout feels good, so too did the lack of food become tolerable. The hunger gradually subsided and now it's no big deal. I'm also eating around 50% fat, 80% carbs, and 50% protein of the USRDA. There's not much activity going on here, so my body doesn't need a whole lot of calories to function.

And then I notice my nails. It's time for a manicure and pedicure. Since I can't afford to go get one, I give myself a French manicure (in tribute to the dream) with iridescent pink base. This is my entertainment while watching the Colts lose to Green Bay.

It's almost 4pm and I've started coding. Working on the weekend, sure, but what else am I going to do? I'm tethered to this house, might as well work instead of watching commercials, I mean, TV. There's nothing good on TV anymore anyway. The occasional Science Channel peaks my interest (I'm a sucker for learning) but outside of that... well, there are so many commercials, and since I can't afford a DVR, I just chose not to watch anything at all.

There are no mirrors in this house; just one in the bathroom. It's such a change from Vegas, where every room had multiple large mirrors in them. I make myself pretty and I can't even enjoy looking at myself! All this consciousness sees are the blank walls around me and Web 2.0 codes on the screen. At least the fingers making the letters appear are now pleasing to my eyes.

Welcome to my Walden. Just me and my shadow.

Desperate to feel like a woman, I ring the jewelry store owner I met at LaGuardia back when I was jetting around the country. We shared a fag, he bought me a drink, and I left for Seattle. What makes him special is that he only knows me as Clio; that cheery woman at the airport.

He's not there; I leave a message and he calls back. He wants to come over tonight! Oh dear. That means he wants sex... he thinks I have a vagina. I'm depressed all over again. I tell him I can't tonight, but that he should call me later in the week. Maybe by then I'll figure out what to do.

Strange Friends

An unemployed friend of mine, trying to be a columnist (as opposed to my colunmist friend who's trying to be unemployed) has just written an article describing his three strangest friends.

I don't make the list!

Cool!

And then I realize... I have some strange friends!

Fun With Stoners

It's been a long day. I haven't eaten because I wanted to exercise first. It's dark now, but I the streets are great for Rollerblading, so I decide to combine them with a trip down to Taco Bell.

I get there at 11:02. The dining room has been closed for 2 minutes. Now, I've never much understood how a company could discriminate against people based on whether or not they have a car, but that's exactly what Taco Bell does!

They don't want me as a customer after 11pm unless I'm in a car. I know from experiences as a kid that they won't serve me from the drive up window on blades, and I couldn't even trigger the sensor which says "ding, a customer is here."

But I didn't come all this way for nothing!

I hang back and wait for my opportunity. There's a woman in a car being a car already ordering. Now's my chance. I knock on her window.

...

You might think it's unusual to have your windows knocked on while you're in the drive up at a fast-food restaurant, but let me give you a little background into just how unusual it can be!

First off... it's late and it's Taco Bell. Odds are, the only people here are stoners. No soccer moms here! Second, it's late... they are probably stoned, which is why they are at Taco Bell in the first place. Munchies.

...

I totally freak out this lady. She looks shocked and doesn't even make eye contact. I explain to her through the window that I just want to order some food and I need her help, but she's too paranoid to care. She drives up to box, leaving me where I was. The man tells her to wait. I'm just standing there, a bit amused, but confused. She rolls down the window and summons me to her door. Oh cool! She changed her mind!

I get up there and am immediately hit by the smell of incense. I suddenly get why she was so freaked out! LOL. I wonder if stoners realize that the only people who burn incense - especially in a car - are people covering up the smell of weed. It's a dead give away. I probably could have gone back with her and partied, had I been so inclined, but she struck me as the kind of user I didn't have much in common with. You know, turn on, tune in, tune out.

I make my order and blade in front of her car. She hangs back, way back at the first booth, the one where you normally pay first. She's too stoned to realize it's closed and she'll have to pull up to the second window.

The guy at the window doesn't want to give me the food, but I smile pretty and finally he gives me the food so I'll go away.

It was so much fun, I almost wanna try it again!

Thinking Like A Child

Has a child ever asked you why the sky is blue? You could give the adult answer:

The sun's light is really white to our eyes, but the subtractive effect from the preferential scattering of shorter wavelength light removes enough violet and blue light to leave a range of frequencies that is perceived by the human eye as yellow. It is this scattering of light at the blue end of the spectrum that gives the surrounding sky its color.

Or, you could just give the 100% truthful, child-worthy answer:

Q: Why is the sky blue?
A: Because there's a lot of blue stuff up there!

Engaging Life

In my quest to better understand life, I've been learning about some incredible things. First there are the creatures that don't need the sun! Found in the darkness of caves, the troglobites have de-evolved! They lost their eyes! And in the dark, vast ocean, around the hydro-thermal vents, there is not carbon-based but sulfur-based life!

Last night, it was the insects turn. I learned how spiders have learned to use silk as many different tools: protection, hunting, transport, and more! Spiders give me the woolies. But, I forced myself to watch this show about insects to learn who does what, who eats whom, etc.

Did you know that some caterpillar larvae emit a smell that makes ants think they are ant larvae? No kidding, the ants pick them up and put them deep inside their nest, feed then, suck all the bodily fluids from their body (there's no toilets in ant hills) and generally take care of them.

Did you know that some wasps can do the same? Plus, they can actually find the nest with the invading caterpillar, fly in, and inject it (sting it) with it's egg. The caterpillar cocoons as normal, but when it hatches, a wasp flies out instead of a butterfly. Downright macabre, that is!

Insects were around long before we were, and they're everywhere, just below our feet. No place is that more evident than suburbia Indiana, where all you have to do is look out your window or step out your front door!

There is nature everywhere here. All kinds of life. Compared to the desert and New York, it's teeming with life. Crickets play a nightly symphony, letting us know how cold it is. Owls hoot away in the distance. Birds chirp overhead, other insects make noises. A cicada punctuates the canvas, there's a frog's croak, butterflies flirt through the yard, a colony of ants is on the move, grasshoppers are hopping, beetles are beating, and spiders guard every square inch of the house where light leaks through at night.

Now, spiders creep me out, but we have a deal. They stay outside, away from all human footpaths, and eat all the bugs coming in the house. In exchange, I won't kill them or destroy their webs. Big spiders... with hairy legs. Fur, almost. Creepy. Like small animals instead of insets.

So far, it has been an amicable relationship.

Today, as I was outside on the porch contemplating life, I noticed a praying mantis, perfectly disguised on the shrub, giving me the eye. I look at it for a little while from the corner of my eye, and then... I don't know why... I started to play with it.

I moved so that the branch it was on was between it's head and my head - so it could no longer see me. Then I played 'peek-a-boo' with it, moving left to where it could see me, then in the middle, then right, then middle, etc.

That bug watched me! Then, when I quit, IT DID THE SAME THING!

Woah. Communication. Cool. So next, I extend an arm toward it and wave gently. Guess what it did? The same thing!

Woah! I reached even closer to it, and it climbed to the top of the branch and extended its entire body toward me. I wanted to be like Sir Attenborough and pick it up and play with it, but I was too scared of it. Big 'ol giant scared of a little bug! Well, the way this girl was eyeing me, I didn't know what to think. She might have dumped a whole load of eggs on my warm skin or something, so I just stayed there a bit as we checked each other out.

Later, Light came by to say hello, as she usually does whenever I'm out front. She's really starting to warm up to me, wanting me to scratch her head and pet her. She'll get close to me, flop over on her side and start purring. Cute! Sometimes, she gets all regal and stands guard with me. It's adorable.

She seems declawed, so I'm a bit worried about her, especially with winter coming. I hope she has a home.

Smilestone(d)

A big anniversary today; I've been on HRT for exactly one year now!

Status update:

Skin - soft and supple! Very happy. Yay!

Legs - not quite where I want, but decidedly much more feminine. At least they look like a lady's legs now.

Breats - see legs; can almost fill an A-cup! Groooooooooooow breasts! Yay!

Hair - able to epilate face; only minor pain left (upper lip). Yay!

Hips - what hips?

Butt - see hips.

It really is fascinating watching my body change. So happy.

Of course, this year has been about more than physical changes... major life changes have occurred as well. New identity, passport, driver's license; new home (again, again, and again); and new friends. What a year!