Leap of Faith

I've been preoccupied lately, mostly with trying to fight the rotting away of my soul in this spirit-sucking swamp, all the while slowly biologically dying on the inside. I fear it's a losing battle. Please bear with me while I seek higher ground.

My only joy comes from playing an old digital piano. It doesn't sound like a real piano, or even a cool digital one, and it makes me miss the one I left behind in London, but it's all I got and I play it for hours on end. Recently, as I started to compile all the songs I've written, I came across one that I had nearly forgotten about, "Leap of Faith."

I wrote it at the end of a three semester-long humanities course in college. In that class, we read - I kid you not - a stack of books 6 feet tall ranging from the oldest known human texts, to standard religious and political texts, and also the works of notable scientists and philosophers... as well as your basic world literature. No doubt it was the beginning of my consciousness, taking a small town hick mind and exposing it to the greatest minds of Western history. Thank you, Dr. Jennings.

Anyway, at the end of this course, we had to write a long dissertation - a what we learned kind of thing - and at the time, I was less fond of writing and typing and more prone to composing music. So, this being a new-agey kind of class, I got permission (commisioned?) to write three songs - one for each semester - summarizing my experiences in lieu of a (mere) 20-page paper.

Leap of Faith was one of those songs, and represented that tipping point in human history where man dared to say, "God is dead," but before (Western) man had developed any alternative philosophies to choose from. In other words, the song represents man's struggle to find meaning in the darkness he just created. (At 19, my world-view did not yet encompass pagan and Eastern philosophies, so experientially, for me, it was also a period of spiritual darkness.)

As I look over the words I wrote oh so long ago, and as my fingers remember thousands of notes and rhythms they once knew, I am forced to wonder, "Have I discovered another timely message to my future self from my former self?" I mean, I don't care who you are, 6 months of bible-thumping believers holding hands and praying before every meal will get to you ... eventually.

I'm reminded of that young mind who wrote the song, obsessed with nothing but getting the fuck out of dodge. And here I am, nearly 15 years later, back where I started.

Here's the original recording featuring a good friend of mine, David Hines on vocals.

Leap of Faith

words and music by Clio
vocals by D. Hines

(verse A)
Poor little man, someone's
Taken you by the hand,
Told you nothing you could ever do
Would make a difference at all.

But don't you know that
Soon we all must go?
And the world will go on existing
As though you never did.

(verse B)
So now you fear that every
Thing you hold so dear is gone,
And you won't let go of them.

Well I guess
From the looks of your mess,
That they won't let go of you.

(bridge)
Can you make another day,
Or do you have to stay home and pray
That the world will make some sense to you somehow?
Can you take the leap of faith?

(chorus)
If you don't know you'll be safe
In a world that makes no sense to you at all?

We just have to start anew,
Redefine what is true,
and take nothing for granted anymore.

(verse A)
Oh I heard you shout,
You had to let it all out,
"How can I go on when every thing
I ever knew is no longer true?"

Hey little man,
You have to understand
That faith is not logic
And knowledge is not faith.

(verse B)
Did you run and hide and scream
From inside your fortress
When you heard that God was dead?

Your soul is free,
Why don't you let Him be
From the thanks for your daily bread?

(bridge)
But will you help your fellow friend,
And will it matter in the End,
When we're ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
What's the point in tryin' at all

(chorus)
When everyone is building walls
With signs on them that say, "Go Away from me."

(piano solo, repeat 1st chorus, end)

Thoughts On Media Programming Languages

I've been preoccupied lately. You see, I've been trying to see if I could develop applications in Flash the same way I do in Java. That is to say, I wanted to be able to build complete Flash programs from simple text files, without using fancy GUIs. I wanted to see how flexible Flash really was.

You see, Flash is great for a few things, most notably for making web commercials and prototyping user interfaces. But what most people don't realize, is that Flash is a very powerful media programming language. Want to write a program that plays three mp3s at once set to nine simultaneously playing video clips? What about a program that 'samples' video clips to let you create new videos from pieces of old ones? Well, I've put a lot of work into similar programs in Java and C++ and it's not easy, but for Flash, these kinds of things are child's play.

So, as a future computing researcher, I hoped I could use flash to build some crazy interfaces I've been wanting to play with. The trick, though, was to determine if I could develop in Flash the way I do in Java and C++. Specifically, I wanted to be able to create 'classes' or 'objects' that were general and reusable, and most importantly, I wanted to deal with text files; not GUI editors.

Well, this week I've figured it all out! I've created a template for building applications in Flash that mirrors building media applications in Java. Sweet. I've written two applications, starting both with only a blank text editor; one is a dynamic slideshow application (complete with cross-fades and panning and zooming), and the other is a dynamic mp3 player. Both applications are impressively short in terms of lines of code (< 50). Even better, the language allows the simple elegance of the program's design to show through. (It would be obfuscated if written in Java.)

It's times like this I wish I had my computers and websites online so I could post that code. Anyway, these 'modules' will go into an Electronic Press Kit I'm building for my friend, the Jazz Singer.

In other events, I started creating a post called "12 Genders," but what I thought would be a few paragraphs has turned into a 16 (!) page paper, and I'm still writing. I'm now up to 192 genders. I guess I have a lot to say about that subject, huh?

Well... stay tuned!

Their Eyes Closed

It's a shame we never really see people how they really are, choosing instead to see them as we want them to be, or as we remember them. And, when that happens, we prevent their growth; we hold them back, we stifle them. We do it because we encourage them to be what we know; what we are comfortable with - usually, at a great discomfort to them.

I have tried many times, in many ways, to merge friends from one world of mine to another... failing always. For it seems from where there was one, there cannot be two. Les jeux, ils sont faits.

Those who think they know me can never accept the real person inside; it is impossible for me to express her to them ... they simply refuse to see anything but what they already know. My friends live with their eyes closed.

As such, they will never know who I am or the gifts I bring. I don't blame them for that... and I don't fault them for it. It must just be too hard, too complicated, or too uncomfortable.

I am, however, finished with the pain of this life, and finished with trying to build a bridge between the two ... for it is a gap that cannot be crossed unless taken down through the valley, and it is clear that I walk it alone.

I know I am not unique to continue to have evolved my consciousness for 33 years; to have continually made myself a better person in every way I am aware of through diet, exercise, knowledge, and self-examination... to me, that's the point of being alive.

"An unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates

It seems that to most people though, the person you are at 16 is the person you are at 60. Such people are doomed to never reach wisdom.

I have thought long and deep about this and with every train of thought, the tracks always come to the same conclusion:

You can never know the real person I am as long as you keep alive the memory of the one I was.

My friends have failed to keep up with the person I am, and I can no longer be the person they remember, so I say farewell to the normals.

I hardly knew ye; but ye hardly knew me.

Ascent into the 3rd Standard Deviation

Here's a fun chart about IQ, borrowed from here:

Practical Significance of IQ

IQ Range	Frequency	Cumulative Frequency	Typical Educability	Employment Options
Below 30	>1%	>1% below 30	Illiterate	Unemployable. Institutionalized.
30 to 50	>1%?	>1% below 50	1st-Grade to 3rd-Grade	Simple, non-critical household chores.
50 to 60	~1%?	1.5% below 60	3rd-Grade to 6th-grade	Very simple tasks, close supervision.
60 to 74	3.5%?	5% below 74	6th-Grade to 8th-Grade	"Slow, simple, supervised."
74 to 89	20%	25% below 89	8th-Grade to 12th-Grade	Assembler, food service, nurse's aide
89 to 100	25%	50% below 100	8th-Grade to 1-2 years of College.	Clerk, teller, Walmart
100 to 111	50%	1 in 2 above 100	12th-Grade to College Degree	Police officer, machinist, sales
111 to 120	15%	1 in 4 above 111	College to Master's Level	Manager, teacher, accountant
120 to 125	5%	11 in 10above 120	College to Non-Technical Ph. D.'s.	Manager, professor, accountant
125 to 132	3%	1 in 20 above 125	Any Ph. D. at 3rd-Tier Schools	Attorney, editor, executive.
132 to 137	1%	1 in 50 above 132	No limitations.	Eminent professor, editor
137 to 150	0.9%	1 in 100 above 137	No limitations.	Leading math, physics professor
150 to 160	0.1%	1 in 1,100 above 150	No limitations	Lincoln, Copernicus, Jefferson
160 to 174	0.01%	1 in 11,000 above 160	No limitations	Descartes, Einstein, Spinoza
174 to 200	0.0099%	1 in 1,000,000 above 174	No limitations	Shakespeare, Goethe, Newton

The earlier link uses the normal distribution to break down your average consumer at Wal-Mart. It's either funny or scary, depending on your perspective!

The thing that makes a 'normal' distribution interesting is that 99.73002039367% of the population (nearly everyone) is within three standard deviations of the average. In other words, if you know the average IQ and the standard deviation from that average, than you can be 99.73% sure that anyone you meet at Wal-Mart has an IQ higher than the average - (3 * STD) and less than the average + (3 * STD).

But not everyone you meet will fall into that range! In fact, 0.13% of them won't! Welcome to the top 10% of the top 10% of the top 10% (if you believe in IQ tests)! I'm not just talking about me; there are many friends here, and chances are, (against statistical odds) you're probably one of them! Let's get together and create statistical aberrations! :)

Big Night Out

I wonder if we are all aware of the impact we have on others. I wonder if I underestimated my impact on a nice young man tonight, call him, Pad A. Wan. Paddy was to my left in a poker game, and he and his buddy (Mr. Shane E. Head, 1 seat to his left) were out having a break from their local games. By talking to him and observing his play, I determined Paddy and Shane probably outclassed their peers back in the home game. This was their big night out. These guys had no idea what they were getting into.

Peception of reality warning #1: To me, it's just a dumpy little tournament, in a dumpy little bar, in a quiet little town, filled with mostly regulars who play just well enough to not go broke quickly. To others, it is a big night out to swim with the regional sharks.

To be fair, the poker games are run by two guys who have the best tables (literally) in the tri-county area and I wish them luck, but it's an outrageously steep rake and not nearly as glamourous as it thinks it is. I only go because a) usually, I'm the prettiest one there, and b) my friend likes to go, and c) it's 8 minutes away.

Anyway, Shane was drunk and winning heavily for a very simple reason, in two parts. The first part is that he was betting big on every hand. The second part is that people were folding. If they had been watching his play, they'd know Shane+Budwiser would go all in with Jack-three offsuit. Maybe they would stop folding then.

But, as it was, only me and my friend noticed.

Next hand, I have Ace deuce in the big blind. Paddy calls, Shane raises 2 1/2 times my blind bet and everyone else folds. At this stage in the tournament, it was not wise to play recklessly, so I didn't put the drunk all in, but of course, I called, and Paddy calls. I figure Shane on trash, and Paddy, perhaps with two high cards, but not one of them being an Ace (he would have raised with an Ace).

Flop comes something, I don't know, it didn't matter. What matters is that it was obvious to me that the flop didn't help either of my two adversaries. I'm first to act however, so I check to verify what's going on. Checks all around. Further proof.

Turn comes something that continues to not help. I'm starting to think my Ax is going to be the best hand. Now, if I bet and they don't have anything, they will fold and I can win a small pot. Looking toward that final table, however, I want more chips. Instead, I play on my belly, hoping to trap Shane into betting because he thinks we're all weak. So, I check meekly, trying to encourage his rash bet, and when he does, I'll put him for a decision for all of his chips and he'll fold and I'll win a nice pot. Paddy checks; he doesn't have any of the board. Shane CHECKS.

Wow, he's flat too - and playing more straightforward now that he's in a three handed pot with his buddy.

Looks like I should have bet!

River comes worthless and yet ... did I just see tension in Shane? I act like I'm thinking about betting and watch Shane through peripheral vision. I reticently check, Paddy checks, and Shane makes a perfect-sized bet. Big enough to think he was bluffing, small enough to want to sherrif it. The pot was worth calling the bet (even with just Ace high), but if I was wrong, and that tension meant he did have a pair, I'd be crippled in the tournament.

Clearly, I needed more information from Shane before I could call. So, I put on my acting hat, and narrate, "that was a big bet for a little card!" I look him square in the eye, and say, "But you didn't know I had THIS!" As I say the word, "this," I flick up with an audible 'SNAP!' one of my down cards (the Ace of spades)

His face fills with tension as he considers that I'm saying this because I have a very stong hand. He looks down to see my card, reads it's an ace, and the tension disappears.

Shoot, I should have bet the turn; he caught the river. Okay, so I fold. Paddy folds, Shane takes down the chips. Yeah, I played cautiously, but ya gotta play carefully with drunks.

Now, this play, some may call it ... immoral ... provoked a minor stir (I knew it would). The dealer certainly didn't like it (I didn't anticipate that), and I don't think anyone else at the table appreciated the show, save my friend. But if the table didn't take well to my play, Paddy liked it even less. Accusations of cheating and "that not being legal" fly toward me like bullets fired from untrained insurgents. I let them fly.

After a few awkward moments of grumbling, Paddy insists on wanting some explanation for me doing what I did. I explained (politely) the reasoning that you now know. It went something like "blah blah blah ... i knew you were going to fold, so ... blah blah blah"

After about 2 minutes of steaming (I didn't notice; I was watching the game), he leans over and whispers, almost petulantly to me, "you didn't *know* I was going to fold!"

I was in the middle of a hand, so I leant over, smiled, and looked at him square in the eyes and asked, almost dismissively, "what did you do?" before returning to the game to make a bet. He starts to say something and then stops. then stammers... then ... silence. At that moment, he is called to another table.

I didn't think much of this interaction until my friend told me how badly I rattled Paddy with that move. Now that I think about it, I probably ruined his night. He steamed away over at another table - shaken that he was so read by me - and not long after, h e exited the tourney.

My friend took care of Shane the next few hands, releaving him of the responsibility of protecting his chips.

I know I'm supposed to be encouraging players like this to come play poker.

I guess that's why I don't want to do it for a living.

The Tao Of Poker

Poker is really just a metaphor for life. I've learned that the lessons learned on the green felt are almost always applicable to the situations that occur in everyday life. Successful poker players are often successful in life not because of their knowledge of poker, but rather, because their outlook on life carries over to the way they play their chips.

Lately, I've been experimenting with developing a solid technique for winning massively multiplayer poker tournaments (900+ players). I have been playing poker for over 15 years, I've played with the best players (the ones you see on TV) and I've read dozens of books on technique, strategy, mathematics, and psychology of poker. I've even written computer programs to aid my play dynamically. I've become obsessed with finding THE winning strategy for this game of skill.

And it's working! In the last month, I've placed 2nd, 14th, 41st, 71st, 7th, 3rd, 40th, and just last night, 22nd. (Usually the payout starts at 110th place, and gets progressivley larger as you move to 1st.)

Last night I lost a hand that if I won, I would have more than likely won the tournament. It was textbook. I had pocket AA with a board of KQ5 and my opponents pushing all their chips in with AK and K8. There was only one card (of 43) that could lose the game for me. The turn was a 2, making me a 99% favorite to win ... until the case K fell on the river. I only won 12x my entry fee. ;)

Now, I've also been trying to advise a friend on how he can better play in these tournaments ... with poor results. You see, his style of play --- in my viewpoint --- is reckless, relies on luck, and is succeptible to large deviations. It's a fantastic style of play ... when the game is right ... but without "changing gears," I deem it too costly. By contrast, --- in his viewpoint --- he might say of my style that it is too conservative, predictable, and not prone to win big. And we'd both be right!

However, to prove a point, I adopted his strategy for a few tournaments and recorded my results. What emerged was that, all things being equal, I was extremely unlucky. I lost big. So last night, I played my game and came up with a play-by-play rationale for every move, thinking of course, of how I might finally open my friend's eyes and get him to the final tables.

Then I realized that he too loses big when he adopts my style of play. I was so lost in the belief that there is (as suggested by the pros) ONE style of play which in the long run, wins the most chips, that I forgot that most people don't play for "the long run."

So as each person's path to enlightenment is uniquely their own, so too it seems is each person's style of poker. My friend wins big when he plays instinctively, but loses when he tries to play "with the percentages." I win big when I play smart, and lose when I get reckless. I continue to believe (for me) that there is an optimal winning style of play, and I endeavor to play it, but I'm no longer worried about my friend's style of play; he'll figure it out eventually ... and why would I want to deny him the pleasure of finding things out?

This is such a hard lesson to learn.

Besides, as long as the "long run" and the "short run" go along the same path (at least momentarily), why not just enjoy the company?

[HCI] Does not compute...

I was challenged today, by a computer, to prove that I was a human. Not challenged to confirm my identity, but instead challenged to show that I was merely a human.

We interact with dozens, perhaps hundreds of machines each day and yet most of us aren't even aware of our interactions with them other than a vague feeling of a program or device being "easy to use" or -- worse -- "impossible to understand." Truth is, there are a LOT of bad designs and interfaces out there, but ironcially, it's not the designer's fault! I know this because I teach these people to build better interfaces.

The designer is the person who ultimately is responsible for building the machine code which will interprate your interactions as input, and conversely, the machine's representation of data into something that is recognizable to your eyes and ears. That is to say, the designer handles all of the Human-Computer Interactions. Problem is ... those very people who are best apt to build such things are often more likely to see things from the computer's point of view ... rather than the Humans! It's the 21st century version of a greek tragedy.

The result of this are interfaces that make perfect sense to technophobes, yet remain uncomprehensible to the masses.

Occasionally however, even geeks can get stumped... Can you figure out what the middle character is?




Sometimes a computer needs to check there really is a human on the other end of the internet. The current vogue is for the computer to take some letters, distort them a bit, and ask the person (or another computer!) on the other end to TYPE them back. The computer knows what to expect, so if you get it wrong, it assumes you can't read and type and therefore, are not human.

To understand fully the reasons why this is easy for a human and complicated for a computer would involve a computer science course on computer vision, which would itself rely on a strong background in college-level mathematics and computer science; ie, "it's really complicated and not that interesting." Suffice it to say then, that for the moment, the ability to write such a program has not yet been found among the pool of eligible people who might profit from doing so. In other words, it's not a fool-proof test.

And sometimes, it's just foolish.

Introduction to Drugs♦

Disclaimer:

I want to make it perfectly clear that I do NOT condone the use of drugs! Not because drugs are bad per se, (they aren't) but because the overwhelming majority of people I've encountered simply are not ready for them (because their mind is too troubled) and/or cannot control them (because they can't control themselves).

So I repeat: "do not try this at home!" If you are going to ignore my warnings, at least have the common sense to experiment in the presence of seasoned, skilled guide or shaman. If you do not have the patience or willpower to do this simple thing, it is proof you are not yet ready (in the eyes of this urban shaman).

That said, I think drugs are great! They give us perspective, enlightenment (albeit premature), attitude adjustments, and enhanced powers such as self-awareness, empathy, and egolessness. They are great for 'partying' with friends on special occasions, for spiritual questing when seeking God, and for obtaining inspiration from your muses.

I find it amusing that most of the people I meet who are anti-drugs also find admirable in me, those very qualities I've discovered through using them.

Unfortunately, most people only think drugs are for two things: losing inhibitions, or partying, and running away (or taking a break) from reality (versus getting a new perspective on reality).

In this introduction, and in posts to follow, I would like to clearly explain the effects of the many drugs (some of them illicit in some countries) I've sampled and how to obtain maximum benefit and enjoyment from them. If you are an American, it's okay to freak out. Our culture has bred us to immediately shut down and say, "Drugs are bad, m'kay?" Mix in a healthy does of fear-based lifestyles with a lack of self-control and you have a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Drugs are powerful, m'kay? You need a clear head, a healthy body, and a relaxed, comfortable environment to take them. If you think "drugs are bad" (they aren't) or if you have unresolved psychological issues, you should not be taking drugs! I'm mostly talking about hallucinogens and entheogens, but the same argument can be said for marijuana and alcohol - it's just times 100 for hallucinogens and entheogens.

Unfortunately, the plain fact is that most people simply cannot handle drugs. I cite as evidence for this the millions of people addicted to drugs that they don't even consider drugs. Everyone who needs their morning cup of coffee -- you're an addict! Everyone tokin' on those fags -- you're an addict! (For the Americans, fags are cigarettes.) Everyone eating when their body isn't hungry -- you're an addict.

And I haven't even gotten to what most people consider drugs yet! Yes, I put alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, sugar, aspirin, and the like squarely in the category of 'drugs' which also include psylocybin (magic mushrooms), Cocaine, THC (marijuana, hash, kif), LSD & other hallucinogens, etc.

Whatever the substance, be it chemical, natural, or produced in our bodies (like adrenaline) people seek it for the changes it produces in our bodies and minds. Alcohol makes us feel invincible. Aspirin makes us feel numb. Pot makes us feel relaxed. MDMA (X, E, ecstasy) makes us feel love. Cocaine makes us feel power. Caffeine makes us feel energy. Psylocybin makes us feel god. Yes... GOD!

This is all well and good as long as one maintains a healthy dose of "the right time and place." Problem is, like the dog who eats everything put in front of it, people have a tenancy to overdo a good thing.

This is a shame, because it has earned all drugs a bad reputation -- a misconception that I hope to correct. You see, I think drugs are a great way to enhance life, experience levels of consciousness we could never attain on our own, and break down barriers to happiness. But I do drugs, so of course I would say that.

I *do* drugs, I don't *use* drugs. Don't get me wrong, when I party, my body is a machine and together, we go through -- safely, and only after significant experiments -- we go through vast amounts of substances which leave lesser mortals lying on the kitchen floor, twitching in ecstasy. (You know who you are! ;) At least they are having a good time!

I miss all my friends, but I miss those friends the most. It's not everyone you can, on a whim, jet off to Amsterdam for a weekend of inner enlightenment and fun. Wherever you are, I dedicate this joint to your memory. Party on!

A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single click!

Welcome to my blog! Since this is my first entry, I'll provide the basics and move on to the advanced stuff in later postings.

Ingredients: (Topics to be discussed)

• Enlightenment
• Religion (ancient, pagan, Eastern, Western, modern)
  
• Sex
• Gender
• Fetishes (branching away from "vanilla" sex)
  
• Drugs (tools of the Urban Shaman)
  
• Music
• Poker
  
• Happiness
  
• Success
• Work
  
• Family
  
• World Affairs
• Politics
• History
• Memes
• The Collective Unconcious
• Randomness (as in, non-predictability)
• Intelligent technological consumption
  
• Great Theories from Great Thinkers

... all this and more!!! Should be fun! :) I also plan to include postings on "Things all enlightened creatures should know." These special postings (complete with video and powerpoint!) will be my contribution to all of the souls that have made possible my existence. If you don't know me, think of them as my gift to you.

Who Am I?

Well, that will be fleshed out in many more postings, but let's get a few things out of the way. I was born and raised in the MidWest of America. By the time I was 30, I had a Ph.D. in computer science, a luxury car and home, yet I was not happy. Realizing there was no future for me here, I decided to give up everything (and I do mean everything that Americans come to enjoy and cherish) and move to London, England on a 3-year vision quest for enlightenment. There, my eyes opened.

To put it another way, I embarked on a search for the ulitmate question to life, the universe, and everything. I was the shaolin monk; I had learned everything I could in this land and school system and it was time for me to proceed on to other realms of existence and consciousness.

Now, as Plato has written of Socrates, it is time for me to return to the cave and illuminate the shadows. Of course, I realize that one person's path to enlightenment is just that ... ONE person's path, uniquely my own. However, I hope that by sharing the stories of my life, my friends, my quest, and my ongoing struggles with life in the valley of the masses, you too will find the resources needed to climb your mountain (and find your way back down again!).

Guide to the Guide

If you are of the persuasion to read these entries in chronological order, then you will be happy to learn that I will be writing them in the same way! However, you should also realize that time and space being relative, what I write will not necessarily comply with temporal (or spatial) restrictions. So read front-to-back, back-to-front, or just skip around. I'll try to be friendly to both kinds of readers.

... and writers!!! Please feel free to leave your comments! As we are all in this together, from time to time, I hope to sollicit ideas from you, dear reader, to guide the collective journey.

Discliamer: the names of the innocent will be changed to protect them. No promises for the guilty. ;)